Polaroid Snapshot Memory

January 30, 2012

Polaroid snapshot memory caresses me from the inside out. Transcending candles light my way to the past and the joy and freedom I was unaware of at the time. Bizarre incantations of what life is and could be. Pass by and die. Pass by and let the fate of the Deities decide or roll the dice or not.

 

Freedom’s just another word for everything ahead. Wasted youth having a great time. Love. Sex, drugs and rock n roll baby. I lived it and didn’t know I was living. Love was everywhere. Free love was dead but I re-animated it. Acid trips and connections to worlds I wish I could have stayed in. Money was nothing to me and I thought it was everything. Carry the plight of darkness on my shoulder with a wicked smile.

 

Aging. Losing. Gaining. Winning. At the same time in my mind. I created it and I had no control of the inevitable events that lead me to me and back around the block. A haircut and a shave and a shower cures the common ME. Cut snip CUT. Parties over and starts again. Imobile as I travel and dream of travel and you.

 

Bulbous characters running in and out of my entire life. I call it life today. Tomorrow? Fuck tomorrow. I’ve always hated tomorrow. Diseased decaying tomorrow. Yesterday is where it’s at. Live today like it was yesterday and I feel fine. Crimes committed without my knowledge and I weep for you. For me.

 

Granite accelerator in the fastest carpool lane of a Lynchian progression. Up down. Freeze.

 

Tag.

 

You’re fucking IT.


Delete Me: A Poem & Spoken Word Video

July 31, 2010

I wrote the following loosely based on my last entry. I also made a vido for it you can find on the bottom of the page.

Delete me. Go ahead delete me. Delete. Delete. Delete.

Carry your gun in the waist band of your stretch pants that won’t stretch any more if your tried and you tried. A gun that you use in the wrong places with the wrong people and the wrong intentions. It’s not even loaded. The gun. Not you. Loaded.

Delete me from your world from your cancer from your bloody sounded heart that you think is screaming but it only cries for more love. Love you can’t have.

Stick your pencil between your eyes and twist it as you open and close your eyelids slobbering my name while kissing a tree that will never understand you like me.

Delete me. Delete. Go ahead. It’s ok. Delete me.

Push the panic button and no one comes running anymore because they’re tired of your boy cry wolf mentality. Too many false alarms for anyone to understand. I understand. It’s ok. You can let go now.

Delete me from your heart and fill it with vengeance and hatred. Kill. Destroy.

Run for the hills little one while you still have a chance to get away from me. Or do you? Am I always there?

Distracting yourself with THINGS that keep you busy. THINGS that do nothing for anyone except distract you from me. Me. THINGS.

Delete me as you drive over the speed limit racing to anywhere that you don’t have to feel anything.

What kind of God allows you to feel this way? What are you doing? Why? Who do you think you are? Ok so maybe even a broken clock is right twice a day. Maybe you can self help yourself and forgive God for leaving you alone. Maybe your cancer isn’t so bad. Maybe the wounds will heal. Maybe your heart will soften over time. Time. Time to reveal yourself to the ancient ones in a language you don’t speak. Time to stop running. Let go. Let go!

Delete me. Delete me. Delete me.

Are you finished yet?

I am still here.


The Right Sex?

July 27, 2010

“I don’t think I’m the right sex for anyone right now.” I said.

My friends laughed. It was a joke, right? Hmmm. Was it?

I was talking to two guys I know the other day. Guy talk. Don’t get all upset ladies. You do it too except you call it “girl talk”. It was a “she’s cute, she’s hot, etc.” the one guy said “You’re not the right sex for her?” implying that the woman we were talking about is gay. I just answered with what I was thinking. “I don’t think I’m the right sex for anyone right now.”

It’s an unwritten contract I have with women right now. I don’t get involved or interested in them and they don’t get interested in me. It’s a mutual agreement that seems to be working against my secret desires, my inner attractions, and basic needs.  For now it’s working. Right ladies? What was that? I didn’t quite hear you. I can’t be wrong can I? Ok so maybe I secretly or not so secretly have a crush or a desire or something. So what? What are you going to do about, huh? Not sure? Me either. Ok.

So let’s move on. I’m focused on my isolated world of creativity right now. Right? I think I am. I tell myself I am. I am working at working at it. I’m writing now, right? There’s a good start. Thank you. I have a book that’s almost published. Maybe some self-esteem will come from that. Will it? I did publish a book that collected my poems, stories, blogs and journals from 2004-2008. That was a good start. I do have self-esteem. Don’t I? Of course I do. So shut up. I was talking to me not you. You haven’t said a word yet. Or was I too busy talking to hear you?

Who am I trying to impress? Me or you? Are you impressed? I’m proud when I’m not worried about what you think. That’s more than not. Isn’t it? Say something will you? Validate me a little bit please. No. Never mind. I feel better now. I am happy with my progress and station in life at this moment. This moment too. I’m going to be ok. I am ok. You’re ok. Are you ok? I’ve been thinking about you in between my long-term self-absorption. You are there. Don’t worry. You’re not worried are you? You are? You’re not? Hmm. Interesting. I can’t tell the difference anymore. What is the difference? I’m stumped once again. Here we go again. No we don’t. I do. You?

Maybe I’ll figure it out and tell you about it. Maybe you won’t be there to hear me but I’ll say it anyway. Whatever it is. You can be damned sure that I will say it. I think I just said it, didn’t I? Were you listening?


Now For Something Completely Different: A Blog About You

July 23, 2010

This is about you. You are a most beautiful creation of God. Your hair, your face, your smile all captured me from the moment I met you. You speak so effortlessly. Your words are magnificent. You are beyond everything I ever expected. You laugh and it makes me laugh. Sometimes I even laugh out loud.

You intimidate me yet I feel comfortable around you. You put me at ease by just being you. You. This is about you.

You give.

You love.

You cry.

You smile.

You are giving.

You are caring.

You are faithful.

You are loyal.

You are you.

You make me forget about me.

You are  . . .

This is about you.


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