Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap But I’m Having a Super Savings Sale on Good Deeds Done Even Cheaper

July 14, 2010

I was taught that you are supposed to be doing the right thing at all times. Take actions against my will. Help others. Do unto others as you would have done unto you. Treat people the way you want to be treated. What goes around comes around. It’s not about me. The best feeling in the world is to do something for someone else and expect nothing in return. It is even better to do something for someone else and not tell anyone. I try to live up to these sayings and a positive way of life.

Here are some thoughts on the subject of doing good things that have been rolling around in my head for a while. What if a person does good deeds for the wrong reasons such as ego or grandiosity? Say he or she wants the world to know how great he or she is? Many people think this is a horrible way to go about doing good deeds. I think that it doesn’t take away from the deed itself. For example, if you save a person from a burning building just so that you will be a “hero” in the community and not because it’s the instinctual right thing to do, does that take away from the fact that you saved someone’s life? I don’t believe it does. You do it for the thrill or the glory or the need to be recognized I think you’re an asshole but I’ll also appreciate the fact that you saved someone’s life.

As everyone knows I go to AA meetings. In the program, as we call it, we are taught to help others whenever the opportunity arises. We are taught to be humble. We are taught to do the wrong thing. So of course there a lot of people that like to show off and brag about the deeds they have done because it is in their alcoholic make-up. If a person does something good for another person just for the vainglory of it, it doesn’t take the good deed back. The deed is done just like the many bad things that we’ve all done. Unless the motives and bragging hurt someone besides just aggravate people, this person still did a good deed.

I’ve met a lot of people that are full of shit and hypocritical through the years that also do good things for others. They help other people on a daily basis and then are miserable towards everyone else. They contradict themselves in their behavior on a daily basis. They don’t practice what they preach and they want to be appreciated for the good they do. I’m not saying they help someone out then go home and beat up their wives or kids. I just mean that they don’t have much control of their negative feelings. My point is that no matter how despicable a person is, if they are doing good deeds then the deed itself is good. In a sense it doesn’t make them all bad. Just mostly bad. Ha.

I love to gossip. I get involved in conversations sometimes and we criticize people’s behavior and their character left and right. Then I always feel obligated to say at the end “Yeah, but look at the good things that person has done for other people”. I usually proceed to cite examples then some of my friends agree and some don’t.

I’m beginning to wonder if there was a point to even making my point but it’s an important. topic to me. Not because I run around doing good things for the wrong reason but because I like to see the good in people. Maybe that’s selfish too. Maybe I want them to see the good in me. In the end it really doesn’t matter. No good deed goes undone.


Happy, Joyous and Free . . . Weeeeeee!

July 8, 2010

“I want what all those happy joyous & free mother fuckers have..” she wrote in a message to me.

I got news for you- nobody is happy, joyous and free all of the time. It comes in waves. We are all human, ya know. We all have our crosses to bear. We all have our fears, insecurities, failings, and crashes. Some more than others but none of us would be human if we didn’t.

I’ve been attending these meetings for over 18 years and I’ve heard a lot of great things but most of the people are full of shit. They talk it and don’t walk it. That’s human too. I don’t hold it against them. Nobody is happy, joyous and free 24 hours a day. No one. Did I say no one? No one.

There was a line from Jason Lee’s character in Vanilla Sky “the sweet wouldn’t be as sweet without the sour”. If I didn’t have the sour I wouldn’t appreciate the sweet. It doesn’t have to be all bad. I don’t have to focus on the bad but I do have to go through the emotions whether I want to or not. Otherwise I’m repressing it and telling myself and others a huge lie. “I’m ok”. No I’m not. I am this moment but not all of the time. It’s ok to not be ok sometimes. It doesn’t mean that I am not spiritual enough. It doesn’t mean that I’m not working the 12 steps hard enough. It just means that I am human and life is happening and I have to face it instead of running from it like I have in the past.

When my friend died of Aids in 1997 I sat with his mother at the funeral. She said that everyone is telling her “everything is going to be ok”. She said, “it’s not going to be ok.” I agreed with her and said, “You’re right. It’s not going to be ok.” It was probably the most honesty I’ve ever given and she’s ever received. It’s better than lying to her. She seemed to feel more comfort knowing that someone recognized her right to feel that way than hearing  “It’ll be ok”.

There’s this one guy that says “I’m happy, joyous and free today because I choose to be” at every meeting he goes to. Yet he seems pretty miserable when I’ve tried talking to him after the meeting. Abraham Lincoln said, “you are as happy as you make your mind up to be”. I get the general attitude there but it’s not that easy all of the time. Every morning I wake up and pray and ask God to guide me through my day. Some days I get aggravated or depressed almost immediately after. That’s life. I can choose to stay there or find a way out. On the average I do a little of both on a given bad day.

I don’t trust people that act happy every time I see them and always share and talk about positive things. I don’t like people that tell me how great they are doing when they’re really not. I love to hear people share from their heart about themselves and their lives whether it’s good, bad or average and what they are doing about it. What’s really going on?

I hear a lot of people say, “I’m livin’ the dream” in some circles and it seems so fake like a Stewart Smiley affirmation. I’m good enough, I’m smart enough and gosh darn it, people like me. Maybe they are “livin’ the dream” but it just seems so fake. This is just my personal opinion. If it works for them then more power to them. I understand the general sentiment in the term. In a sense I am living the dream too. I understand the point they are making which is I never dreamed I could live with my addictions in some sort of control. I never dreamed I would have and utilize a higher power that helps me if I ask. In that sense I am living the dream. It’s just when that’s your rehearsed answer to the question “How are you?” it bothers me. Then again, any rehearsed answer to a greeting can bother me. I like honesty. Although I’m not always the most honest person myself, I aim to be.

It upsets me sometimes when people fool other people into thinking that his or her life is happy, joyous and free at all times. It gives people a false hope of something they may never live up to. I admit that I am happy joyous and free over all in the general sense. I am grateful. I am also sometimes sad, angry, lonely, depressed, and anxious. I guess what I’m saying here is that it’s ok for me or you or him or her to feel that way. You have the right to feel. You own your emotions. Yes. There are ways of pulling out of it but most of the time I believe that a person has to feel the emotions whether they are good or bad and deal with them. Don’t dwell on them. Deal with them like a human being. Talk to people about it. Most of the time I tell someone I’m close to how I feel they understand. They’ve felt that way too whether they are an alcoholic or bipolar or not. The oddest people I’ve met in my life are the ones that seem perfect. They seem happy all of the time. I’ve learned through getting to know a lot of people like this that they are just as human as the rest of us. They have defects of character and fears just like the rest of the human race. They just hide it better.

Enough of my rant. I just hate when people live a lie. I’ve put many a person on a pedestal through the years and every one of them has fallen. Why? They are human. Super men are in comic books and movies. Now I know that it’s ok to be human. It’s not ok to dwell in any emotion. I live one day at a time and enjoy every moment I can. Some bad moments and some good moments. I hope you do too.


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