Excerpt from My First Novel Yellow Socks Confessions of a Non Don Juan

June 4, 2012

An Excerpt from my 2010 novel Yellow Socks- Confessions of a Non Don Juan

 

Skeleton Woman or Things Like Me Don’t Happen To You

 

Christ it happened again. Another notch in my “girls that want to be my friend” belt. It made sense. We were perfect friends and she was real cute too. I kept thinking that I was ok with it. I’d be happy just being a friend again. I keep turning to God for strength to accept my fate as “Friend to all women” that I’m attracted to. My acceptance level seems to be ok. I go to my happy place. I go to my cave. I say the serenity prayer over and over I am sure that I will be ok with this. Yes I will. (no I won’t)

 

Cut to a scene from Fight Club

 

TYLER

Stop it! This is your pain — this is your burning hand. It’s right here! Look at it.

 

JACK

I’m going to my cave. I’m going to my cave to find my power animal!

 

TYLER

No, don’t deal with this the way those dead people do. Come on

!

JACK

I get the point, ok, please!

 

TYLER

No, what you’re feeling is premature enlightenment.

 

Ok. I get the idea. Feel the pain. Feel the hurt. Feel the rejection saturating my heart until I bleed more than just these words all over the place and finger my open sore of a brain as it wants to dwell on her over and over again. Screaming and roaring her name with anger and grief and sometimes a slight relief that it’s done and I know that she will not reject me again unless I go back for more and more or less or a little bite of her cheeseburger and a sip of her Pepsi to tide me over until the next one comes along with better food and spirits for my, for me for. Four scores of seven years itch as I scratch the weathered tired out mongrel of an ego that was left stray years ago in a pound for wayward hearts and letches that can only love and never be loved.

 

The pain of being a friend. A friend. I’ve heard that “Let’s just be friends” millions of times in my life as I gargle a new mouthwash and toothpaste hoping my breath will be the answer to my problem. My problem is as follows: me, myself and I. We altogether are the problem. We want to be loved so bad that we give off the vibe that scares the shit out of women so they just want to be friends. Friends. Friends. I think to myself that will be fine. Friends is ok. It’ll do. I can accept that. Bullshit! Feel the pain I tell myself. Embrace it. the pain is your friend. To hurt is to be alive. I’ve never been so alive. I’m alive. So alive.

 

“Did you ever hear about the skeleton woman?” Morton asked.

 

“Was that a Glam rock band from the seventies?” I ask.

 

“Ha. Ha. Nah. It’s an ancient Indian story. This guy was fishing in the middle of a lake. He was totally into it. He was relaxed. Not a care in the world except catching the next fish. All of a sudden he feels a tug on his line and he yanks it up. A skeleton appears on his line. He doesn’t realize that it’s attached to his line and he gets scared. He starts paddling his boat away from it but it follows him. He still doesn’t realize that it’s attached to his line. He gets out of his boat and runs into the village and he is carrying his fishing rod and the skeleton is still right behind him. He jumps into his Tee Pee and it follows him in. He lies down and tries to hide not looking at it for a while. When he finally turns to look at the skeleton it has changed into the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. She is his. The moral of the story is that he was minding his own business doing something he enjoyed and that’s when the right woman came along. In other words when you are not looking for love is when it will find you. ”

 

“I know that but it’s so fucking hard to stay focused on other things without thinking about how much I want to be loved. Fall in love. Ya know?” I responded.

 

“I know. I know.” Morton said.

 

“We’re a generation of men raised by women. I’m wondering if another woman is really the answer we need.” Tyler Durden

 

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A Sneak Preview of The Best of The Serial Killer Coloring Book

August 8, 2010

Here’s a small sample of whats in The Best of The Serial Killer Coloring Book.

Order here.

Order Now!!

http://www.lulu.com/product/paperback/the-best-of-the-serial-killer-coloring-book/12104405


The Best of The Serial Killer Coloring Book

August 7, 2010

At last after seven years of waiting The Serial Killer Coloring Books are available again in one collected volume. From the crude drawings and bios in the first issue to the more polished work in later issues. It includes letters from killers, activities like crossword puzzles and find a word, interviews with famous authors and the killers themselves, artwork from the killers and much more. Only available online through LuLu Books.

http://www.lulu.com/product/paperback/the-best-of-the-serial-killer-coloring-book/12104405

Buy The Best of the Serial Killer Coloring Book now!


Change and Serial Murder

July 21, 2010

Change. Like it or not I change. I grow even when I don’t want to. Sometimes I slip down and fall and have to climb back up but it’s still a change and it always leads to more growth. They say hindsight is 20/20 but I disagree. Personally, my hindsight is delusional. I look back and see things better than they really were. Thank God I’m a writer. Thank God I can look back and read what I was thinking and how I was behaving in the past. Thank God I have friends and family that remind me of what I was.

One of my close friends is always telling stories about things I did to him in the past. Not to put me down but because he finds the humor in it now. I don’t even remember half of the stories until he is halfway through. He was a less tolerant person full of anxiety and I apparently was an insensitive prankster. I won’t tell you the specifics because: a) they aren’t important and b) you might talk to him one day.

The reason this topic came to mind today is that I am going through my infamous Serial Killer Coloring Books and looking at these sometimes vivid drawings I did and the drawings the murderers have done and the crimes they have committed. I am compiling all of the issues into one book and have been going through them page by page looking and reading. I was shocked by some of the things that I’ve said and the drawings I’ve done. Imagine that. Me? Shocked. It happens. It made me question whether I want to re-publish it or forget about it. I worked so hard on those comics that I hate to see it go to waste. I poured my heart and soul into it.

I’ve spent years defending myself as to why I took an interest in serial killers enough to draw, write and form a band that sings about them. I understood why completely. Even in my delusional state of mind I have some awareness of what’s really going on in my head and heart. I always looked at what I did as an over the top exploitation of the exploitation of murder and true crime. I never thought that they were cool like I’ve been accused of. The truth of the matter is that I was secretly identifying with the serial killer. I didn’t identify with the desire to murder but with the common obsession and addiction. I have many addictions but most are harmful to myself. I have no desire or even fantasy of raping, murdering or cannibalism. I found it fascinating that there are real life “monsters” out there that not only fantasize but act out on it. Why? What makes them different?

I’ve believed that anyone could be a serial killer under certain circumstances. We are all just one gene or one spanking in our childhood away from it. I have mental illness in my natural family genes so of course I have a mental illness. A treatable one. A controllable one but I still have it. After being raised by a paranoid schizophrenic mother for 8 years I found  myself seeking other “crazy people in my life especially girlfriends.

As I grow older I find myself dealing with my issues and growing away from it. I’ve also lost interest in serial killers. I don’t write about them or draw them or even think about them except when I perform because most of my songs are about them. I look at it differently now. Now I’m going through some of my drawings and I can’t believe that I’m the same person.

The big question on my mind is do I abandon my previous creations? Ignore them like they never happened. My gut tells me to embrace my past and everything I’ve created good and bad. I don’t really think that anything I’ve done has brought any bad energy or karma into the world. I still don’t think that writing, drawing or singing about murder is going to influence anyone negatively or make them do bad things unless they are already inclined to do so. I used to say “serial killers don’t have time to read about or listen to songs about serial killers. They’re too busy serial killing.” It’s true. True crime buffs don’t commit murders. It’s usually the seemingly “nice” guy that lives next door to you, sits next to you at work, rides the train with you to work, cooks your food at a restaurant or maybe even your lover or family member.

There has always been an internal struggle with me as to letting go or holding back in my creative endeavors. I’ve mentioned this over and over. I always come to the same decision. I always do the same thing. I decide that I will be an open book and talk and write about anything and then I hold things back anyway. Sometimes I censor and sometimes I don’t. Hopefully, my work is appreciated either way. Hopefully, I keep appreciating my work either way. After all, I am my biggest critic and my biggest fan.


Spirituality

June 12, 2010

I have spirituality today that flows through me most of the time whether I want it to or not. I prefer having it. Many people judge me by the subversive art, writings and music I create and don’t think that it’s humanly possible for me to be a spiritual being. At times I’ve struggled with the outwardly contradictions of my creations and my spiritual beliefs. I’ve had people ask me “YOU believe in god?” I always laugh it off and say yes. They either accept my answer or they don’t. Usually it’s not an issue.

What is spirituality? Merriam-Webster online dictionary has several definitions.

Spirituality

1 : something that in ecclesiastical law belongs to the church or to a cleric as such

2 : clergy

3 : sensitivity or attachment to religious values

4 : the quality or state of being spiritual

It defines Spiritual

1 : of, relating to, consisting of, or affecting the spirit : incorporeal <spiritual needs>

2 a : of or relating to sacred matters <spiritual songs> b : ecclesiastical rather than lay or temporal <spiritual authority> <lords spiritual>

3 : concerned with religious values

4 : related or joined in spirit <our spiritual home> <his spiritual heir>

5 a : of or relating to supernatural beings or phenomena b : of, relating to, or involving spiritualism : spiritualistic

I believe it’s a personal thing. It’s a personal relationship with a “higher power”. It’s something outside of me that flows inward. It is relative to a “spirit” but not a standard definition for me. I believe in keeping in close contact with this “spirit” through prayer, meditation and through some of the people I hang out with that I can maintain a spiritual balance. It also requires action. I can pray and meditate all that want but nothing is going to change if I don’t make an effort in living my life the best I can. Hopefully I can help others in the process.

In the past year and a half or so I have learned some key elements that have helped strengthen and maintain my spiritual being. First of all “God” as I chose to call him, has become more important everyday. He is the most important part of my life and if I expect to have a useful pleasurable life I need to grow spiritually. I’ve learned that I must take actions against my will on a daily basis. Do what my selfish brain doesn’t want me to do like be there for friends and family and even strangers. Helping others is an important factor to my spiritual well being as well. I’ve also learned that it is not about me. Despite my self absorbed projects and creative ventures I must remain aware of contributing to society and my fellow man.

I believe in karma. Whatever happens to me is a result of something I did. If I do the right thing in most situations then the right thing will happen. The while do unto others as you would have them do unto you way of living is the best way to go. If I treat everyone well then I usually get treated well and feel good. If I treat people like shit then I get the same back.

These are pretty simple concepts. I don’t want to debate religion or God. I am merely expressing my views that grow everyday I act on them. Overall, I appreciate life today. I am grateful for my God, friends, family and you.

My art, writings and music are merley pains and darkness within me being released. Once I get them out creatively I usually feel better. It doesn’t matter whether I draw pictures, write stories or songs about serial killers, Satan, demons, sexual perversions, and if I curse. It’s part of who I am and I am still a spiritually developing human being finding my voice and my way through this sometimes-crazy thing called life. I love it and wouldn’t have it any other way.


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