New Job? No Day two! No Job for You!

January 21, 2011

I wasn’t going to post this but my pains, mistakes, shame and illnesses are an open book for me as far as writing goes. I leave myself vulnerable but I’m strong enough to handle it. Here it goes folks. A lesson on how not succeed at life.

If you read my previous blog I wrote about my new job and the excitement and fears etc. I had high hopes. I went to bed at a decent hour for me. My Trigemingal Neuralgia was acting up so I took my prescribed pain meds and fell asleep. I woke up occasionally but had a good sleep. I woke up at 6 am or so and was going to stay awake. I didn’t. I fell asleep and woke up 12:10 pm. Almost 2 hours after I was supposed to be in wor for my 2nd day of training. I immediately called the boss and left a message on his cell phone. No call back after a half an hour I called again on the business line. I left another message.

I called my friend who got me the job and he said to go in and see what happens. I have never experienced this without a “being fired” or a “come back tomorrow” so I was hesitant. I called another time before I left. The boss answered and told me he “was very disappointed in me. It was an important day for training.” then we were disconnected. I immediately called him back. No answer. I called again. No answer again. I got the message. The tone in his voice was that of a man who was going to fire someone.

I’ll skip the whole denial depression, anxiety, anger, shame, embarrassment etc If you know me or read my blogs you can only imagine.

I didn’t want to tell anyone but I broke down and told told 2 friends. The first suggested I go in tomorrow as scheduled and see what happens. Of course apologize and try to move on. This didn’t sit right with me so I told another friend about the suggestion and he agreed. He said I have nothing to lose except a long ride to Delaware and back. I still question this. My friend who works there(that happens to be on vacation) reacted a little differently. He thought the phone conversation sounded like bad news and said it the idea of me showing up tomorrow “shuld be interesting.” I’m not sure what he meant by that.

I keep telling myself that I am going to go in tomorrow but I have reservations and loads of fear.

I am trying not to dwell on it. I can analyze the shit out if this. Was it the pain or the meds that made me sleep too long? Was it my Bipolar depression? Was it a sub-conscious self sabotage? Is it a self fulfilling prophecy? Do I secretly not want to work there? Work anywhere? I did put a load of energy into my other projects and plans to make money elsewhere all day.

I don’t know the answers and I don’t know what I am going to do tomorrow. What if? What if? I am cursed with the what ifs?

Anyway, if you want to help a starving artist out buy a book or 2 or 3 of mine at http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/richhillenjr

and join my new Unrestricted Social Community at http://novaboon.com Join right now. It only takes a minute and it’s free. It’s been growing and we’ve been having fun.

Thanks. Wish me luck tomorrow. I hope my decision is the right one.


Catch of the Day

August 10, 2010

“She want’s me”  My friend used to say.

“She just doesn’t know it yet.” He’d say right after.

I’m on a mailing list of a few “pick up artists” sites. I subscribed a long time ago when I thought I needed help meeting women. Well, maybe I did. I just didn’t practice their principles in all of my affairs. Ha. I did need help at times but they didn’t always have the answers. I even read a book called the Game which was more of a good read than a “how to” guide. It was the author’s story of how he got involved at first as research to write a book and he got sucked into the “pick up” scene. Remember that show that ran briefly on VH1, The Pick Up Artist? Mystery, the star of the show was also the central character in the book.  The book takes in the human factors despite the fact that they call it a “game” and the “pick up artists” play these games. The nature of men and women are different and our needs and wants are different. Deep down we are no different than primitive man. We’ve been conditioned to act accordingly to what our society dictates and dating, relationships and sex have become more obscure and difficult as far as communications go. Obviously, my initial interest in the subject wasn’t to learn human behavior but I am interested in that too.

Personally, I’ve been highly successful at times with the opposite sex at times and I’ve had rough patches other times It always depends on my own self worth and self-esteem. When I was young man my self-esteem was based on how much a woman liked me. I had this idealized concept that if all women didn’t think I was attractive then I was no one. I was a loser. I grew out of that theory but still had spurts of low self-esteem. Maybe I still do. I just don’t care as much these days.

I still receive these emails from various “pick Up” sites with articles and then they want me to buy something. Sometimes I delete them without reading them sometimes I read them if the subject is catchy. Ha. Catchy. That’s what caught my eye the other day. The subject read “Are You a ‘Catch’ to Women?” I wanted to find out and I opened the email. It was interesting. They defined a “catch” as a “high status” male. A high status male is a man that has his shit together and has many qualities that women desire. Of course that varies depending on the woman.  I sat down and thought about it. I wonder if I am a “catch” to women.

Over all I have to say that I am a “catch”. Not to all women like I fantasized as a young man but in some women’s eyes. More importantly I am a “catch” in my eyes. I can look in the mirror on most days and think or even say out loud “you’re alright, Richy boy.”  Or something like that. Ha. Not to sound conceited or cocky but I do like myself today. I like the way I look, dress, act, and feel on most God given days.

I feel uncomfortable writing it like this for several reasons. Fist of all it might ruin my “self loathing” image that I seem to portray in my writing and spoken word. When I write about my spiritual or mental sufferings they are true human experiences that are only a small part of me. They are not the entire make up of Rich Hillen Jr. I tend to feel more motivated to write when I’m in a bad mood, upset about something or depressed than when I’m happy and confident. Second, I don’t want to come off as cocky. There’s a huge difference between being cocky and being confident yet there is a thin line between them. I don’t think I’m better than anyone. I’m simply aware of my strengths and weaknesses and feel confident most of the time. Also, feel slightly embarrassed to be reading articles from the so-called “pick up artists”. Who wants to admit that? That is one of my strengths and weaknesses. I am honest with what’s on my mind at least when I know what’s going on.

Hopefully, I’ll be the “catch of the day” for you today if not “there’s plenty of fish in the sea”


I am a Slug

June 20, 2010

A little something I wrote on April 11th 2009.

I am a slug. I move slowly and eat and shit and sleep and for a few hours a week I move slowly through a job I hate so I can afford to eat and shit and sleep. I’m stuck in this prison shell of a body that looks like a man. An over weight, hairy, balding, middle aged, hunch backed, foot dragging man. I wasn’t always like this. A slug. I was once a young man full of energy that did things. I moved and shook like the best of the movers and shakers. Now I can feel my skin loosen and my limbs get weaker as I slide freakishly slow through a day as if one day everything will fall off my body and the transformation will be complete.

I am a slug. I move slowly and eat and shit and sleep. Love, passion, romance, creativity are not for me. Not this slug. Hope is not for this slug. Dreams are not for this slug. This ole slug is already set in his ways. Eat and shit and sleep. Eat and shit and sleep.


Women & Me

June 14, 2010

I’d rather be rejected than not know or be avoided entirely. I don’t even look at like a rejection anymore. It’s more like a “I’m not interested in you in that way” kind of thing. I’ve been in and am on the other side of that a lot and I wish I had the guts to be upfront. How do you tell someone you are not interested? That’s why I ask directly if I can’t tell. I should go with my gut. If I’m not sure and I can’t tell then 99.9 % of the time she isn’t interested in me. Otherwise it can become an unnecessary distracting obsession. Not the specific girl. It’s the question of whether she likes me that can consume me.

I’m too old and in too good of a place in my head lately to waste time obsessing over girls and playing games. Girls. Ha. I mean women. Even though I don’t have a “career” oriented job, hell, I have no job right now, and I don’t have a lot of money I am pretty confidant in who I am on most days. I’m an artist first and foremost and that’s given me problems in the past and it’s also given me great pleasure and self esteem. I am constantly involved in some kind of creative project and it keeps me confident in who and what I am.

So as far as dating goes, I’ve been taking it with a grain of salt. I talk to women that I’m interested in and sometimes vice versa. It either works or it doesn’t and I move on. Hopefully, I make a new friend or in some cases maintain a friendship I already had. This doesn’t hold true all of the time. Sometimes in moments of weakness I may obsess a little here and there but who doesn’t, right? Overall I’m at least trying to enjoy people for who they are and move on from there. It’s been fun and I’ve been growing as a person and an artist.


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