Narrator’s View

October 26, 2010

Your not so humble narrator has been out of it for a bit. Not keeping up on the blogging. He’s been writing but not anything for the site. For you to pity or indulge in. For you to read, dear reader. Seems like there was nothing to say and too much to say at the same time. Doing nothing and everything at the same time.

 

Almost a month in the new house and everything has settled for him. He is not having the freak outs and anxiety like before the move. It took a few weeks for him to get back in the groove of writing. Busy unpacking, enjoying the new HD 40’ flat screen TV, getting rejected by women, reading and pretending to look for work. He still wants to avoid it as long as possible. Some days the day is seized and productive and other days are wasted away but overall your self-absorbed narrator’s life is pretty good. Living a day at a time and pretty much working on one project or another.

 

He sees great things in the horizon and knows it’s not going to happen over night and without hard consistent work. Stubborn and determined to see it through until the end and then maintain. New business ventures. New books to be written. New stories to be told. For such an isolating loner your narrator certainly has a lot of stories based on life and fantasy. Thank God. If it wasn’t for art he would have no purpose.

 

Stay tuned as he says “I did it again.” What he did or does or is doing is yet to be determined but I’m sure it will be documented for all to read and see, That’s you the reader.

 

“Thank you for reading and I hope you keep it up.” Says the narrator.


Women & Me

June 14, 2010

I’d rather be rejected than not know or be avoided entirely. I don’t even look at like a rejection anymore. It’s more like a “I’m not interested in you in that way” kind of thing. I’ve been in and am on the other side of that a lot and I wish I had the guts to be upfront. How do you tell someone you are not interested? That’s why I ask directly if I can’t tell. I should go with my gut. If I’m not sure and I can’t tell then 99.9 % of the time she isn’t interested in me. Otherwise it can become an unnecessary distracting obsession. Not the specific girl. It’s the question of whether she likes me that can consume me.

I’m too old and in too good of a place in my head lately to waste time obsessing over girls and playing games. Girls. Ha. I mean women. Even though I don’t have a “career” oriented job, hell, I have no job right now, and I don’t have a lot of money I am pretty confidant in who I am on most days. I’m an artist first and foremost and that’s given me problems in the past and it’s also given me great pleasure and self esteem. I am constantly involved in some kind of creative project and it keeps me confident in who and what I am.

So as far as dating goes, I’ve been taking it with a grain of salt. I talk to women that I’m interested in and sometimes vice versa. It either works or it doesn’t and I move on. Hopefully, I make a new friend or in some cases maintain a friendship I already had. This doesn’t hold true all of the time. Sometimes in moments of weakness I may obsess a little here and there but who doesn’t, right? Overall I’m at least trying to enjoy people for who they are and move on from there. It’s been fun and I’ve been growing as a person and an artist.


He Pushed Me Away

June 3, 2010

I wrote the following on Sunday December 13th 2009:

I was paid a visit by my former self. The one from a few years ago that was constantly creative and productive and full of life and charisma and confidence. He looked amazing in his cowboy hat and wife beater and jeans and boots. We sat down and had some coffee and smoked cigarettes and chatted for a while. The meeting started with small talk like “what have you been up to?” and “How’s your family and friends?” and things like that.

Then we got down to the nitty gritty.

“Why did you leave me?” I asked,

“I thought you left me.” he said.

“No, man. You pushed me away when you started seeing a Psychiatrist and taking medications.”

“That’s when I thought you ran away to leave me to deal with this shit on my own.”

“You further abandoned me when you started abusing the pain pills and went to less and less AA meetings and working your AA program.”

“Really?”

I thought about this for while sipping my hot coffee and taking long drags on my cigarette. Maybe he’s right. Maybe I did leave him. Maybe with everything that was going on I just gave up on him and wanted less and less to do with him.”

“You turned into the walking dead, man. All drugged up and barely making it to work or anywhere else. I’m surprised you still have friends and family.” He said.

“Hmmm. I did lose a girlfriend and almost lost my job.” I said
“See. You left me in the dust, Rich.” He said.

“What do you think I should do about it? Do you want to come back to me? Be together again?”

“Nah, man. Not yet. You’re not ready for me yet. You’ve got bills out of your ass. You’ve got too much anxiety and depression for me to handle. You have issues with women and sex. You just got a year sober a little while ago. You need some heavy duty work before I’d consider being part of your life again.”

“But I miss you terribly sometimes. I don’t feel complete without you sometimes.”

“Well, if you don’t take care of your sobriety and mental health properly then there’s no chance of me getting involved with you again.”

He had so much energy and confidence in what he was saying and it hit me hard. He’s right. I do need to work on myself harder. Work the 12 steps in my life more. Settle my debts. Get a decent Psychiatrist that’s not going to Zombie me out yet help me with my depression and anxiety and Bipolar disorder. I need an emotional, physical and spiritual over haul. I agreed with him.

“You deserve better than this. You deserve to have me back but you’re not ready yet. Yet.” He said.

He left into the rainy day like he was never here. Yet, I thought. At least there was a glimmer of hope in voice.

So, here I sit smoking and drinking coffee contemplating the conversation. I think I’ll pray on it and see what tomorrow brings. Meanwhile, I’ll be the best new Rich I can be today. Just for today.


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