NIGHTMARES ON SALE – GET 2 FOR THE PRICE OF 1

April 1, 2012

I TRY TO IGNORE THE WHISPERS LOUDER THAN THE SCREAMS. IN DREAMS I WALK WITH YOU. You Roy.  I AM TRAVELLING. Always traveling. Moving. New apartment. New house. New CCITEE-Y. NEW STATE. STATE OF MIND. Party goers and house warmers and birthday goers and CHRISTmas mass attendees gather. I know some then I know everyone. I am no one. They don’t see me this way. He doesn’t see me this way. She. You.

 

MR SANDMAN BRING ME A DREAM.. I know you. I love you LOVE! I carry buckets of paint to your house and the party has just begun. I GET NO KICK FROM CHAMPAGNE either Frank, baby. Seven sisters of love pies stare at me and glare at ME AND THAT LOOK. THAT LOOK. IT SENDS CHILLLS DOWN MY SCARS- inside and outside that run against my heart. Let’s get this CHORDETTEONIAN PARTY STARTED MR JIMMY!

 

I put my arm around Grandmom to say I love you. People STARING. People caring. Empty people fill the crowded party. Acting hearty. Listing their character defects. Last chance. MY DEAD GRANDMOM TURNS HER HEAD AND SAYS “I KNOW WHAT YOU DID!”

 

 

I wake up smoking and drift back along the sea of asphalt, scraping my fat ass and ripping my favorite dream jeans still wondering what I did. WHAT DID I DO THAT GRANDMOM KNOWS I DID? Was it last summer Jennifer Love?

 

I am alone. ALONE. MY NEWEST OF THE NEW HOUSES. Sir Raleigh comes with news. I thought he said PRESIDENT REAGAN HAD DIED OF INDECENT IMPLOSURE. I didn’t care until I realized he wasn’t just dreaming about my Dream girl locked in his dungeon TIED UP WITH VINES and THE SISTERS OF REJECTION.

GIVE HIM TWO LIPS OF HATRED AND VIOLENCE. RESTRAINING ORDERS, BRIGHT LIGHTS AND SIRENS.

 

“SHE’S A COKE HEAD” HE SAYS.

“SHE USED TO GIVE BLOW JOBS TO HERMAPHRODITES.” HE SAYS.

 

My throat fills with vomit and joy. IN DREAMS I DO COKE WITH YOU.

 

Stolen emotions and borrowed gifts are shared at the airport and train stations and parking lots and I’M STILL NOT SURE WHICH IS WHICH. IN DREAMS I TALK TO YOU. Us is back and you is cornered and still slip away. Reptilian monkeys bred become bread for the children of Elizabethan peasants but I grab two of them and hand them to the girl with ruby slippers and she vanishes like the Dark Knight into the dark night when she hears Bruno approach.

 

“I’ll whip you now my pretty and your LITTLE MAN too! Hahahahaha” Bruno yells but not enough to find her. I find her in her Old Kentucky home with three wooden porch steps away and I go into seizures. Jules Vern hides Tu-Tu Hundred Feet Under The Sea Under The Porch. I pass out. DUM DUM DUM DUM DUM DUM DUM DUM –DUM DUM DUM DUM DUM. MR SANDMAN WAKES ME. The ape lizards have grown by the time I reach the inside. The Dark Huntress awaits me wearing a smile and a bra. I am excited to see her but worry about poor Mr Vern. Guilt reddens my pink face knowing that I shouldn’t be THERE. The Queen would be quite jealous and take away my deconstructed addictive Kingdom. SHE IS THERE AND SHE IS THERE. IT WAS A DUBIOUS PLAN OF THE HUNTRESS OF DARK TO HAVE Mr Vern under the porch and watch my web of lies unfold. The evil one IS not Bruno and I NOW KNOW WHAT GRANDMOM KNOWS I DID. I JUST DIDN’T DO IT YET WHEN SHE TOLD ME.

 

Caught in the trap admiring the salamander gorilla’s ability to change in size determined by the cage they are in. I imagine if they were let loose if they could grow bigger than the entire world. My Darling Queen and my Miss Huntress dance and change clothes despite the height and come out laughing at me and yet forgiving me and I feel a calm as MY DEAD GRANDMOM SAYS “ I STILL KNOW WHAT YOU DID.”


New Job? No Day two! No Job for You!

January 21, 2011

I wasn’t going to post this but my pains, mistakes, shame and illnesses are an open book for me as far as writing goes. I leave myself vulnerable but I’m strong enough to handle it. Here it goes folks. A lesson on how not succeed at life.

If you read my previous blog I wrote about my new job and the excitement and fears etc. I had high hopes. I went to bed at a decent hour for me. My Trigemingal Neuralgia was acting up so I took my prescribed pain meds and fell asleep. I woke up occasionally but had a good sleep. I woke up at 6 am or so and was going to stay awake. I didn’t. I fell asleep and woke up 12:10 pm. Almost 2 hours after I was supposed to be in wor for my 2nd day of training. I immediately called the boss and left a message on his cell phone. No call back after a half an hour I called again on the business line. I left another message.

I called my friend who got me the job and he said to go in and see what happens. I have never experienced this without a “being fired” or a “come back tomorrow” so I was hesitant. I called another time before I left. The boss answered and told me he “was very disappointed in me. It was an important day for training.” then we were disconnected. I immediately called him back. No answer. I called again. No answer again. I got the message. The tone in his voice was that of a man who was going to fire someone.

I’ll skip the whole denial depression, anxiety, anger, shame, embarrassment etc If you know me or read my blogs you can only imagine.

I didn’t want to tell anyone but I broke down and told told 2 friends. The first suggested I go in tomorrow as scheduled and see what happens. Of course apologize and try to move on. This didn’t sit right with me so I told another friend about the suggestion and he agreed. He said I have nothing to lose except a long ride to Delaware and back. I still question this. My friend who works there(that happens to be on vacation) reacted a little differently. He thought the phone conversation sounded like bad news and said it the idea of me showing up tomorrow “shuld be interesting.” I’m not sure what he meant by that.

I keep telling myself that I am going to go in tomorrow but I have reservations and loads of fear.

I am trying not to dwell on it. I can analyze the shit out if this. Was it the pain or the meds that made me sleep too long? Was it my Bipolar depression? Was it a sub-conscious self sabotage? Is it a self fulfilling prophecy? Do I secretly not want to work there? Work anywhere? I did put a load of energy into my other projects and plans to make money elsewhere all day.

I don’t know the answers and I don’t know what I am going to do tomorrow. What if? What if? I am cursed with the what ifs?

Anyway, if you want to help a starving artist out buy a book or 2 or 3 of mine at http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/richhillenjr

and join my new Unrestricted Social Community at http://novaboon.com Join right now. It only takes a minute and it’s free. It’s been growing and we’ve been having fun.

Thanks. Wish me luck tomorrow. I hope my decision is the right one.


How to Avoid Life Through Self Absorbtion

July 20, 2010

I used to wish that I was one of those artists that was so self- absorbed that he didn’t give a shit about anything else. Dedicated his every waking minute to his art regardless of the outcome or what anyone thinks. No social life. Not many friends. The one that stayed in and did his craft day after day.

I’ve gone through periods of my life where I’ve been able to do that. I was able to focus on my art and that was it but there was always an inherent need to be loved and liked especially by women. There was a time that my entire identity was based on how much I was loved in a relationship. As I got older and more confident in myself I started to go through periods of working and caring only about my art, writing or music. It’s when I feel my best. Alone and creating.

I think that’s why I have been so anti-social lately. All I want to do is write, edit, create and promote. I hardly want to leave the house or look for a job or date or have sex or anything except write, write and write. Create, create and create. What’s really odd is that the loneliness is there. My need to be loved is there. I want to fall in love and date but instead of allowing myself to feel it I repress it and keep moving on my projects. My projects are my self-absorbed escape from my true feelings. I’ve turned my fear of rejection and loneliness into productive creativity.

Almost everyday I force myself out to a meeting so I maintain some sort of connection with the world besides the online community that only aids my anti-social behavior. It also keeps me grounded, spiritual and away from a drink or drugs. I try and keep as close as I can to my God as I can even when I am alone creating. Especially when I am alone creating.

Despite my fears of rejection, abandonment, loneliness and looking for employment I am quite happy with my life because I am using them to fuel my creativity. Hmmm. I guess I’m not entirely avoiding these feelings. I know that they are there. I’ve just taken the wasted energy worrying and put it into something positive. Life is good even when it’s bad.


Women & Me

June 14, 2010

I’d rather be rejected than not know or be avoided entirely. I don’t even look at like a rejection anymore. It’s more like a “I’m not interested in you in that way” kind of thing. I’ve been in and am on the other side of that a lot and I wish I had the guts to be upfront. How do you tell someone you are not interested? That’s why I ask directly if I can’t tell. I should go with my gut. If I’m not sure and I can’t tell then 99.9 % of the time she isn’t interested in me. Otherwise it can become an unnecessary distracting obsession. Not the specific girl. It’s the question of whether she likes me that can consume me.

I’m too old and in too good of a place in my head lately to waste time obsessing over girls and playing games. Girls. Ha. I mean women. Even though I don’t have a “career” oriented job, hell, I have no job right now, and I don’t have a lot of money I am pretty confidant in who I am on most days. I’m an artist first and foremost and that’s given me problems in the past and it’s also given me great pleasure and self esteem. I am constantly involved in some kind of creative project and it keeps me confident in who and what I am.

So as far as dating goes, I’ve been taking it with a grain of salt. I talk to women that I’m interested in and sometimes vice versa. It either works or it doesn’t and I move on. Hopefully, I make a new friend or in some cases maintain a friendship I already had. This doesn’t hold true all of the time. Sometimes in moments of weakness I may obsess a little here and there but who doesn’t, right? Overall I’m at least trying to enjoy people for who they are and move on from there. It’s been fun and I’ve been growing as a person and an artist.


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