Do You Love Me? Really Love Me?

September 5, 2010

Do you ever wonder what your “image” is t other people? I do. Do you ever wonder how they perceive you? I do. I’ve spent a good part of my life figuring out how to get people to like me or love me. It worked. They at least appeared to like me. Not always n the ways I wanted them to. I hit a point a while ago where I stopped caring. Not entirely, but enough to focus on my dreams and loves.

People tend to have an image of themselves that they present and another side to them that they don’t present to others. They way they talk about themselves and dress and walk and even look at you is one side but is it really who they are and how they feel about themselves? It is really easy these days to create an image of yourself with the internet using social networking sites, webs sites and blogging sites. You can take your time in choosing what photographs you want to present, what you say, and who you associate with. So, I wonder sometimes what my image is to others: people that know me personally and people that only see what I present on the internet.

I’ve tried to maintain a high level of honesty when writing or speaking with others while still trying to get them to like me. Now I just try and be true to myself and honest when I write. Sometimes I censor myself so I don’t offend anyone but most of the time I let people see the real Rich and what’s really going on.

I’m not ashamed of my defects of character, my emotional problems, my sexuality, my spirituality or even the way I look. Of course I get down on myself sometimes and feel good about myself other times. That’s human. Don’t you do the same thing?

I’ve done some weird, strange, perverted and even self-destructive things in the past and I am not ashamed. Maybe I get embarrassed sometimes about my actions or thoughts but never ashamed. I’ve come to grips that I am what am. Still there’s a lingering curiosity as to what you think about me, honestly.

What do you think of me? What is my “image” to you? Do you love me? Really love me? I love you.


No Guilt for Fate

June 6, 2010

Fate. God’s Will. What is meant to be is to be. Call it what you want but I believe things happen for a reason. I believe in this more and more every day. Everything that has happened in my life has lead me to who I am now. For better or for worse depending on the day and my spiritual condition or mood. It’s all about today for me, today.

I don’t have any regrets of my past and what I have done or haven’t done. It is what it is. I try to make the best of each moment and when I’m down I just ride it out and it goes away eventually.

My recent unfair job loss has freed my mind up a bit. For now. I’m in a position to move on creatively and try to improve the quality of life for myself. By losing my “job” I got to thinking about what I really want to do. I’ve known it for a long time now but I want to write. I want to write and make a living off of writing stories, novels and poetry. I might get sidetracked here and there but I know deep in my heart what I want to do. What I’m good at.

Recently (but before I lost my job), I wanted to recreate myself as an artist. I’ve been toning things done a little here and there. I created a new blog page online to help promote me as a writer. I was going ot only post the less offensive writings. I’ve been holding back on my online social networking pages as well because family and people I know casually are on there. You know what? I don’t care anymore. To quote the great Popeye “I am what I am”. I did what I did.

I was worried about future employers googling my name and finding out about the xxx movies I’ve made, the serial killer songs I’ve written, recorded and performed, the sexual or offensive stories I’ve written and the “sick” drawings I’ve done. At one point I was considering deleting everything I could off of the internet. That’s impossible. I did what I did. Some things I’m proud of and some things I’m not but it all contributed to making me who I am today. It’s all part of who I am. People will see it and choose if they like it or not from there.

Anyone that knows me well knows that I am perverted, dark, and weird. They also know that I am a decent person that doesn’t revolve my life around my darkness or perversions. There is another side to me.

It took another loss of a meaningless “job” to open my eyes to see who I am again. To quote Patti Smith “I am an American artist and I have no guilt”.

Today I will either create something perverted, dark, or light and funny. Whatever it is I am on a mission to constantly create no matter what anyone else thinks or says about it. Amen.


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