Existing in Pain – Daily Rant 2 Days Late

July 15, 2011

Note: I wrote this on Friday but haven’t had the chance to post it. I’ll give you an update at the end.

Woke up way too early. Trouble breathing. Asthma? Then the stomach turned and I had to go. To the bathroom. Funny. I have no bath but I call it the bathroom. I went. Felt a little better.

Face hurt. A little at first. It always starts with a little. It got worse.

Trouble breathing. I was smoking. Maybe I smoke too much. Then the racing thoughts and the heart followed. I made coffee. Good for asthma. I heard. I heard a lot of things so I drank coffee and a lot of water with my 4 morning meds. The stomach and heart beating anxiety kicked in as I tried to watch Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

I had to be somewhere to help a friend with a ride this morning. The meds were kicking in. I started to feel a little better as I got dressed and mapped the address of my friend. The breathing was like hyper ventilating. It came and went. It went when the pills kicked in. Pills. Have to take ‘em if I don’t want pain or anxiety. I did.

I got a text just as I was psyching myself up for a long ride. It was my friend’s boyfriend canceling the ride I was to give. The long trip. Over. Now I can stay home and try and relax. Or feel pain and anxiety.

It goes away eventually. Drugs kick in. Feel better. Wear off. Feel worse.

Need a nap. No nap. I guess the stress is up there. Anxiety.

Watched a couple of movies. Did a few tings on the internet. Hurt. Can’t breathe.

All over the place. God. Bad. Breathe freely. Breathe naturally. Breathe short and slow. Loss of breath. Chest pain. Face pain. It’s all running together.

I look up the symptoms and talk to friends that have similar conditions. They confirm that it’s just a panic attack. Combined with my face pain. It hurts.

Don’t want to complain. Complain. Complaints. Revealing my pain to you and everyone else is  . . .  like getting a mew therapist.

Just repeating my day out loud. No answers. Just venting.

Conclusions come after solutions after diagnosis. Am I sure it’s not just  another panic attack in a way I haven’t experienced.

Experienced. Weird pain. Something different.

Do I need a hospital or not?  Go to bed and sleep. Get up early tomorrow to do some work for my uncle.

Good. I’m falling asleep as I write this.

Note: Aftermath- I was hoping that a good night sleep would be the cure. It wasn’t. I woke up at 6:30 am with the deep breaths and panic for no reason. I was tired but that was normal. I drank less coffee and took my morning meds, More face pain. I took pain pills. Everything kicked in by the time I got to help my Uncle at cleaning offices. I was just tired from all of the pain and anxiety the day before. I made it through the work hours. Then I had to go home shower etc and pick up a model for a photography project. It was an all day event but now and then I felt the anxiety and shortness of breath but had to keep going and took anxiety meds. I got through the day and went to sleep early. Woke up today feeling a little bit of the breath thing and anxiety and it slowly went away and I helped my Uncle again and now I just feel emotionally hungover. Tired blah. I made it.

STOPLESS: an Almost All Girl Nude Band

August 25, 2010

STOPLESS was a band consisting of several girls and myself that played secretly during my hiatus from


the music business from 2008 – late 2009. Because the girls made me sign a contract I wasn’t supposed to mention that I was in the band because they didn’t want my fans of the past that were into serial killers following us around. The only reason I joined to be honest was because they were all hot and they played naked. I figured even if I couldn’t get with any of the girls I could at least look at them nude a few times a week.

Janie - She hated me

I got to be the front “man” which of course disappointed our make audience but there were always a surprising amount of


females at the shows that liked my nudity. It was a fun gig. Although the girls didn’t like my serial killer songs they didn’t mind the fake blood and my cowboy hat.

There were 4 guitarists: Emily, Karen, Johanna  and Kim plus the one that quit, Janie, 1 bassist, Sue and 1 drummer, Bailey. It was big band and despite our interests in GG Allin, The Mentors and


Antiseen we wrote, played and performed power pop, the girls thought it was a good idea because we’d get more of an audience since we’re a band of naked members.

We wrote about 20 songs and performed the 10 best of them. Unfortunately, we never recorded anything before we broke up. We were doomed from the start anyway. Janie lasted 2 shows and said she couldn’t stand seeing me naked and quite. I wore boots and a cowboy hat. I wasn’t totally naked. The other girls thought I was the gimmick and would appeal to a straight girl and maybe a gay man audience. I’d like to look back and think that I did.

Our performances were usually limited because most venues don’t allow nudity where they serve alcohol so we played a lot of


dives, parties and Go-Go bars.

Emily was more or less the leader of the band. She’s the one that played the acoustic guitar giving us a


unique sound. It seemed like all of the girls had ego issues as well as body issues and there would always be arguments about the way we played songs, who is going to write what and the major issue was the nudity. Emily explained over and over that was out niche. That is what separated us from other bands. Hot naked girls and a dude to balance it out.

Luckily, they had no issues with me until the end. They seemed to adore me. I even had a brief


affair with Johanna. She was a real doll. I really wanted to get with Bailey the drummer but she was always with a different guy it seemed.


I started gaining weight from medication I was taking and the girls had an issue with it. They gave me a month to start losing weight or they were going to move on without me. I didn’t and they did. Moved on without me. It was down hill from there. I hear the fighting got worse without me in the band to negotiate for them. Then the real drama kicked in when Karen started dating Emily’ ex-boyfriend. The ended it almost a year ago.

Emily has been wanting to do a reunion show for the past few months but I’m not into it. I still keep in


touch with the girls but separately and don’t mention the other ones. I’m friends with them all on faceboook.  should be resentful at all of them but I’m not. My life moved on and so did theirs.

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