Pre-Game Jitters (Performance Anxiety)

July 3, 2010

What the fuck? What is this? Anxiety week for Rich? Now I have performance anxiety. I think that’s what’s causing it today.

I started off with my spiritual rituals and gave my day to God. I think I did anyway. I basically chilled out after that. I wrote a little bit. I did some of those surveys I was talking about in another blog. I practiced my set for the show I am playing tonight. I worked on some video and networking and stuff. I didn’t get much sleep last night so I went to lay down in the nice air conditioning and all of a sudden a panic attack crept up on me. I came back downstairs and outside to have a cigarette after taking some anxiety medication that my Doctor prescribed for such situations. I lit up a smoke and called a friend. It helped slightly. I can barely focus n writing this.

I have never had the “pre-game jitters” before. Sure, I’ve been nervous before shows but I never had an anxiety attack before one. Now I’m panicking that I might have one on stage.

I’ve really lost interest in playing out the past year or more. I don’t like to practice. I don’t like the bar crowds. I have no patience to sit (stand actually) through a bunch of bands even if I like them. My live band show tolerance has decreased tremendously in the past few years. Maybe it’s because I have seen too many over the years between booking bands for almost two years straight or playing out so much for three years or more. I’m a decent performer. I used ot love being in front of people. I’ve had the charisma and stage presence thing down but I’m not real interested in playing out anymore.

Last month I played for a friend’s birthday. He was a fellow band mate who has done a lot for me and my former bands. I couldn’t say know and it was a pleasure to play for him. I ended up spending most of the time there with another former band friend that doesn’t drink talking outside for a few hours. I really like the people that show up for the bands. I like the bands and the members too. I just don’t enjoy the entire experience like I did years ago.

Tonight I am playing because it’s a benefit for a friend and former band mate to raise money for his medical costs because he is very ill. It starts earlier than usual and ends later than usual. He will probably only be there for a short while because he is sick. I am only playing tonight because of him. I don’t want to sit there for hours just so I can do my fifteen-minute set and then stay even longer.

Maybe all of the pressure of the night is building up combined with the fact that I barely practiced and am barely prepared. Maybe seeing my sick friend has something to do with it too. Whatever it is I am trying to take it easy. Take one moment at a time. Whew. I pray I get through this.

Just Another Day of Email Anxiety

July 3, 2010

I wake up every morning and do my daily rituals. I urinate, make coffee, then sit and read through my three prayers and meditate briefly on my porch and light a cigarette waiting for the coffe to brew. I pray for people I know and don’t know and then I’m allowed to sit back and relax while checking my emails before I venture into my morning writing.

I’ve been getting close to 100 emails a day not including my spam folder the past few days. Ugh. Mostly because of a few thought to be simple actions I took last week.

A friend of mine sent me a link to a web site last week. He told me he was considering it right before he got his job after a year or so of unemployment. The site was a listing of numerous ways you can make money at home. At first I read through the call center jobs you can do from home and then I spotted a section about doing online surveys for cash and prizes. I jumped right into the surveys.

It explained briefly how to weed the scams from the real deal. The site has many links to various survey companies to start with. I started with a couple and made few dollars here and there. The only way to make a decent amount of money is to sign up for multiple surveys and jump on them as soon as you get them in your email. So I spent a few hours here and there filling out surveys and made a few dollars here and there. Some pay as low as 20 cents and as high as 8 dollars for 10 – 20 minutes of your time.

I’m still trying to get the hang of it. If you don’t get to the survey each company emails you fast then you may lose the opportunity to do it. The surveys fill up fast. Also, some surveys weed you out after about 5 minutes of work. I thought it would be easier than it is. Like any job, you have to go through trial and error and a training process to get good at it.

A few days this past week I was going crazy. I’m getting close to 1oo emails loaded with surveys and I have to jump right in ready or not. Coffee or no coffee. Writing or no writing and some of these product surveys can tire you out.

I love being on the computer whether I’m social networking, reading blogs, checking out unusual articles, downloading music, making videos or writing. I usually can spend most of my day on here and e content, The overload of emails has been wearing on me this seek and I’ve actually had to take breaks and watch movies to clear my head. I’ve even had panic attacks over the magnitude o emails that I have to address.

I force myself out of the situation and go out to meetings, talk to some friends, and watch a little TV, mostly movies and I feel better about it. I take a deep breath in the morning after my meditation and prayers and worry about it one email at a time. One survey at a time. I haven’t sat down to figure out how much I’ve made yet but I’m sure it’s not much. I decided that I’ll give it a month and see what happens. The worse that can happen is that I make a little bit of money which is more than what I was doing since losing my job.

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