I Don’t Love You

January 9, 2011

All you need is love. Love is all you need. I wonder about that. No I don’t. I’m not a cynic. It happens. It has happened. It may happen again. I’m talking about romantic love and relationship love. There’s plenty of love amongst my friends and family. Not in the dating. romantic, or relationship department for me in a long time. I almost had it last year but nope. It didn’t happen.

 

I just read a blog written by an optimistic 21-year-old girl talking about her perspective of love. Her boyfriend’s 40-year-old friend says he is too old for love. “Too old for love” I read and re-read. I wonder if that’s what’s happened to me? Is that what I believe? Of course the young girl doesn’t believe it to be true. She believes in love. True love. Love at first sight. Love is forever. Love is all you need. I believed in it too when I was her age and most of my life.

 

I believed it every time I fell in love, lusted, had an obsession or infatuation. Time and time again I would feel that this woman was the one for me. I guess for the time we had together she was the one for me. After going through this over and over again it makes me question what the point is of trying again. Is there one for me? “The one?” Maybe I had several “ones” already and I missed out. Maybe it’s out there. I don’t know. I’m slowly reaching a point where I don’t care. I’m pretty sure that I am there.

 

I look at it like this: I’ve had many girlfriends, relationships affairs and even a marriage. I’ve loved more than most people I know. I’ve also been rejected more than anyone I know. That’s life. If I never have mutual love with a woman again I won’t die. It won’t kill me. Nobody has ever died from lack of love. Maybe if they dwelled on it and gave up on living but physically they haven’t died. You get my point.

 

Maybe, I’m finished with love. Maybe I’ve had my share and it’s time to move on and worry about me. Maybe I should worry about my mental, spiritual, creative and physical health. I’d like to say I don’t give it any thought. Of course I do. I’m just not obsessed with it like I used to be. I’m just not interested right now. I have a lot of things to do and it’s not on the top of my priority list right now.

 

I’ve changed a lot the past 2 years and I’m sure I’ll be changing again. I am finally comfortable with who I am right now. It was slow acceptance but I feel like I am alive despite my new found anti-socialism. I enjoy being alone most of the time. When I don’t enjoy being alone then I go out. Sure, I have anxiety problems among other mental and physical ailments to deal with. I deal with them on a daily basis and move on. I know love won’t help me anyway. If I don’t take care of myself first then I am in no position to love anyway.

 

Who knows I might write about a girl I like or am attracted to next week or even tomorrow but for now love isn’t for me. I’m not for love.

 

I don’t know if I’m too old for love or maybe love is too old for me.


The Right Sex?

July 27, 2010

“I don’t think I’m the right sex for anyone right now.” I said.

My friends laughed. It was a joke, right? Hmmm. Was it?

I was talking to two guys I know the other day. Guy talk. Don’t get all upset ladies. You do it too except you call it “girl talk”. It was a “she’s cute, she’s hot, etc.” the one guy said “You’re not the right sex for her?” implying that the woman we were talking about is gay. I just answered with what I was thinking. “I don’t think I’m the right sex for anyone right now.”

It’s an unwritten contract I have with women right now. I don’t get involved or interested in them and they don’t get interested in me. It’s a mutual agreement that seems to be working against my secret desires, my inner attractions, and basic needs.  For now it’s working. Right ladies? What was that? I didn’t quite hear you. I can’t be wrong can I? Ok so maybe I secretly or not so secretly have a crush or a desire or something. So what? What are you going to do about, huh? Not sure? Me either. Ok.

So let’s move on. I’m focused on my isolated world of creativity right now. Right? I think I am. I tell myself I am. I am working at working at it. I’m writing now, right? There’s a good start. Thank you. I have a book that’s almost published. Maybe some self-esteem will come from that. Will it? I did publish a book that collected my poems, stories, blogs and journals from 2004-2008. That was a good start. I do have self-esteem. Don’t I? Of course I do. So shut up. I was talking to me not you. You haven’t said a word yet. Or was I too busy talking to hear you?

Who am I trying to impress? Me or you? Are you impressed? I’m proud when I’m not worried about what you think. That’s more than not. Isn’t it? Say something will you? Validate me a little bit please. No. Never mind. I feel better now. I am happy with my progress and station in life at this moment. This moment too. I’m going to be ok. I am ok. You’re ok. Are you ok? I’ve been thinking about you in between my long-term self-absorption. You are there. Don’t worry. You’re not worried are you? You are? You’re not? Hmm. Interesting. I can’t tell the difference anymore. What is the difference? I’m stumped once again. Here we go again. No we don’t. I do. You?

Maybe I’ll figure it out and tell you about it. Maybe you won’t be there to hear me but I’ll say it anyway. Whatever it is. You can be damned sure that I will say it. I think I just said it, didn’t I? Were you listening?


Good Day Vs Bad Day

June 30, 2010


Every Girl (wants to be my friend) Music Video

June 30, 2010

I wrote and recorded this song in 2003. The album title was No More Punch Lines because I was always known for writing funny things and acting as my friend called me “the jolly joker” This song is about the place I was at with women. Teh ole “just friends” bit that I suffered. Sometimes it creeps back these days but over all I feel much better now.


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