I Woke Up with a Boner

February 11, 2012

I woke up with a boner (Written a couple months or so after my heart surgery in September 2011)

I woke up with a boner

This morning.

It was my first boner since

I was admitted to the hospital

Almost 2 months ago.

Since sex wasn’t on my mind,

I just wanted it to go away

So I could pee.

I peed and it went down.

I forgot about it until now.

My entire life I’ve been

Infected with sexual thoughts

And desires.

Occasionally going away as I

Grow older.

Older.

It seemed to have gone away

Entirely

After my hospital stay.

I noticed my lack of desire

But didn’t care.

Still don’t

Care.

I’d rather write

Or draw anyway.

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Chainsaw Suicide

June 10, 2010

I knew Nadia briefly when we worked together at Starbucks. She was a decent barista but a real good person. When everyone else was making fun of me or avoiding me she was always nice and sometimes even flirted with me. I guess you could say I had a little crush on her. She was a petite girl with beautiful brownish hazel eyes and long dark hair she kept tied up at work. I never saw her out of her Starbucks uniform but imagined her to have a nice body. I never had the balls to ask her out even though we took breaks together and ate lunch together.

That was years ago and I haven’t thought much about her in years until I was reading the paper the other day. There was an article with a headline that read “Chainsaw suicide 27 year old Nadia Clifford takes her own life with a chainsaw.” I was shocked and I cried a bit. Wow. I knew her and what a way to go. After the shock wore down a little and I finished the article I realized it never explained how she pulled that off.

How does one kill them selves with a chainsaw? Did she hold it in front of her and chop off her own head? Did she thrust it into her chest? Did she secure it on a table and run head first into it? Or run neck first? Chest first? Maybe she secured it on a table and ran backwards into it so she didn’t have to see it coming? I wanted to know for some morbid reason. I needed to know.

I wrote the newspaper and haven’t heard back yet. I was going to look up her family and ask them but that would be in bad taste. The funeral is this week maybe I’ll go and see if I can find out there.

I should be praying for her family. I should be wondering why a nice young good-looking woman would end her own life. I should be mourning her in some way but I just keep wondering how does someone commit a chainsaw suicide? My curiosity will probably never be satisfied.

NOTE: I just googled “chainsaw suicide” and there apparently many cases of this form of killing one’s self. I thought I’d heard about everything.


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