No internet? “No Money”?

August 22, 2011

So, my internet is down at home. Ugh. Great timing when I’m starting up a new web site, maintaining current sites and selling my art etc has been over 25% of my monthly income. I’ll be doing what I can once a day if I’m not too sick to get to a coffee shop or something to check in.

I’ll sum up my life right now.

I am completely broke. Can’t pay the rent. Obviously can’t pay the cable. Can’t pay car insurance. Can’t pay phone bill. Etc etc etc.

I’ve been in and out of a deep depression some days I cant move when the face pain is added. I have 2 doctor appointments this week with a psychiatrist and a neurologist for social security. All of the hoops and the time it takes or this disability shit is causing me more stress, depression, anxiety, and face pain than a job. Just when I think it’s over and they made a decision I get another letter that I have to jump through another hoop. I have never been this broke in my entire life. I’m almost ready to crack from the pain of the SSD process.

I hope I’ll be posting soon. I hope you keep reading the decline of the bipolar disabled self absorbed artist named Rich Hillen Jr

I Feel Much Better Now Video by Rich Hillen Jr

June 26, 2010

When I wrote this in 2003. The title and chorus came from  a line from a 1984 -1992 TV show called Night Court. The main character, Judge Harry Stone (Harry Anderson), had a crazy father played by John Astin (Gomez from the Addam’s Family) that would appear every so often. He would say all kinds of delusional and crazy things about his past and always ended it by saying “I’m much better now”. That line just stuck with my and I changed it to I Feel Much Better Now and wrote the song based on my crazy life. I feel Much Better Now. Enjoy.

Nowhere Man

June 18, 2010

He’s a real nowhere man. You know the song. If not I’m posting it here. I’m a real nowhere man too. It’s a great thing.

I’m not one to analyze Rock n Roll lyrics, even my own. I just enjoy listening to music. When I was a kid the Beatles were the greatest band in the world to me. I even liked them more than Kiss. That’s a big deal for a ten-year-old Kiss freak to like something else better. I think it’s because my natural Mother, paranoid schizophrenic Mother, used to listen to the Beatles a lot. She would sing All My Loving while giving me a bath when I was a wee little one. It sparked something in me.

So, when I first heard Nowhere Man, I thought it was about this loser who was going nowhere and doing nothing. As I got older I thought the same thing except for the line “isn’t he a bit like you and me?” I realized they were writing about themselves. The part of themselves that they don’t like. We all have a nowhere man in us.  I loved the song as I do most Beatles’ songs and stopped thinking about it’s meaning until I watched the movie Yellow Submarine. There was a character in the movie that they referred to as the Nowhere Man. He seemed like and unfocused out of his mind creature that they felt sorry for.

I just watched this clip from the movie after listening to the song and thinking about it. Nowhere Man is actually a happy creature or person. He’s ok with creating and doing and living and breathing without the rest of the world’s approval. It sounds appealing. I listened to the lyrics and realized that I am a Nowhere Man.

I used to think that the line “you don’t know what you’ve been missing’ meant that he should be out in the world and see everything that society thinks he should see or experience. Now I interpret it as he’s not missing much. “The world is at your command” because you are a nowhere man. That is me. More times than not anyway.

At the end of the musical segment of Yellow Submarine Ringo wants to take the Nowhere Man with them. John says “He’s happy enough running in circles.” That’s the way I feel sometimes. I’m happy living in my Nowhere Land making nowhere plans for nobody. Then once in a while I get to ride the Yellow Submarine of life with friends and enjoy myself but deep inside I am a nowhere man. It’s really not that bad of a thing. I get things done. I’m happy. I’m a bit like you and them.

%d bloggers like this: