I’m Not the Guy

September 4, 2011

 

I am not the guy your mother warned you about if she warmed you about anyone. I am not the guy your father would play golf with. Your mother and father couldn’t even conceive a person like me. My attitude. My lifestyle. My perversions. My ugliness. My beauty. The delightful deceptive motives and intentions I have about you.

 

Your mother would never dream in a million billion trillion years that a man like me exists. Soft to the touch and rough to the heart. I am a God. I am Satan. I am everything you desire and everything you despise. I am crippled. I am invincible.

 

I love. I hate. I cry. I laugh.

 

I am rage. I am kind.

 

I am you.

 

I am human.

 

I am no one.


I Don’t Love You

January 9, 2011

All you need is love. Love is all you need. I wonder about that. No I don’t. I’m not a cynic. It happens. It has happened. It may happen again. I’m talking about romantic love and relationship love. There’s plenty of love amongst my friends and family. Not in the dating. romantic, or relationship department for me in a long time. I almost had it last year but nope. It didn’t happen.

 

I just read a blog written by an optimistic 21-year-old girl talking about her perspective of love. Her boyfriend’s 40-year-old friend says he is too old for love. “Too old for love” I read and re-read. I wonder if that’s what’s happened to me? Is that what I believe? Of course the young girl doesn’t believe it to be true. She believes in love. True love. Love at first sight. Love is forever. Love is all you need. I believed in it too when I was her age and most of my life.

 

I believed it every time I fell in love, lusted, had an obsession or infatuation. Time and time again I would feel that this woman was the one for me. I guess for the time we had together she was the one for me. After going through this over and over again it makes me question what the point is of trying again. Is there one for me? “The one?” Maybe I had several “ones” already and I missed out. Maybe it’s out there. I don’t know. I’m slowly reaching a point where I don’t care. I’m pretty sure that I am there.

 

I look at it like this: I’ve had many girlfriends, relationships affairs and even a marriage. I’ve loved more than most people I know. I’ve also been rejected more than anyone I know. That’s life. If I never have mutual love with a woman again I won’t die. It won’t kill me. Nobody has ever died from lack of love. Maybe if they dwelled on it and gave up on living but physically they haven’t died. You get my point.

 

Maybe, I’m finished with love. Maybe I’ve had my share and it’s time to move on and worry about me. Maybe I should worry about my mental, spiritual, creative and physical health. I’d like to say I don’t give it any thought. Of course I do. I’m just not obsessed with it like I used to be. I’m just not interested right now. I have a lot of things to do and it’s not on the top of my priority list right now.

 

I’ve changed a lot the past 2 years and I’m sure I’ll be changing again. I am finally comfortable with who I am right now. It was slow acceptance but I feel like I am alive despite my new found anti-socialism. I enjoy being alone most of the time. When I don’t enjoy being alone then I go out. Sure, I have anxiety problems among other mental and physical ailments to deal with. I deal with them on a daily basis and move on. I know love won’t help me anyway. If I don’t take care of myself first then I am in no position to love anyway.

 

Who knows I might write about a girl I like or am attracted to next week or even tomorrow but for now love isn’t for me. I’m not for love.

 

I don’t know if I’m too old for love or maybe love is too old for me.


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