Happy, Joyous and Free . . . Weeeeeee!

July 8, 2010

“I want what all those happy joyous & free mother fuckers have..” she wrote in a message to me.

I got news for you- nobody is happy, joyous and free all of the time. It comes in waves. We are all human, ya know. We all have our crosses to bear. We all have our fears, insecurities, failings, and crashes. Some more than others but none of us would be human if we didn’t.

I’ve been attending these meetings for over 18 years and I’ve heard a lot of great things but most of the people are full of shit. They talk it and don’t walk it. That’s human too. I don’t hold it against them. Nobody is happy, joyous and free 24 hours a day. No one. Did I say no one? No one.

There was a line from Jason Lee’s character in Vanilla Sky “the sweet wouldn’t be as sweet without the sour”. If I didn’t have the sour I wouldn’t appreciate the sweet. It doesn’t have to be all bad. I don’t have to focus on the bad but I do have to go through the emotions whether I want to or not. Otherwise I’m repressing it and telling myself and others a huge lie. “I’m ok”. No I’m not. I am this moment but not all of the time. It’s ok to not be ok sometimes. It doesn’t mean that I am not spiritual enough. It doesn’t mean that I’m not working the 12 steps hard enough. It just means that I am human and life is happening and I have to face it instead of running from it like I have in the past.

When my friend died of Aids in 1997 I sat with his mother at the funeral. She said that everyone is telling her “everything is going to be ok”. She said, “it’s not going to be ok.” I agreed with her and said, “You’re right. It’s not going to be ok.” It was probably the most honesty I’ve ever given and she’s ever received. It’s better than lying to her. She seemed to feel more comfort knowing that someone recognized her right to feel that way than hearing  “It’ll be ok”.

There’s this one guy that says “I’m happy, joyous and free today because I choose to be” at every meeting he goes to. Yet he seems pretty miserable when I’ve tried talking to him after the meeting. Abraham Lincoln said, “you are as happy as you make your mind up to be”. I get the general attitude there but it’s not that easy all of the time. Every morning I wake up and pray and ask God to guide me through my day. Some days I get aggravated or depressed almost immediately after. That’s life. I can choose to stay there or find a way out. On the average I do a little of both on a given bad day.

I don’t trust people that act happy every time I see them and always share and talk about positive things. I don’t like people that tell me how great they are doing when they’re really not. I love to hear people share from their heart about themselves and their lives whether it’s good, bad or average and what they are doing about it. What’s really going on?

I hear a lot of people say, “I’m livin’ the dream” in some circles and it seems so fake like a Stewart Smiley affirmation. I’m good enough, I’m smart enough and gosh darn it, people like me. Maybe they are “livin’ the dream” but it just seems so fake. This is just my personal opinion. If it works for them then more power to them. I understand the general sentiment in the term. In a sense I am living the dream too. I understand the point they are making which is I never dreamed I could live with my addictions in some sort of control. I never dreamed I would have and utilize a higher power that helps me if I ask. In that sense I am living the dream. It’s just when that’s your rehearsed answer to the question “How are you?” it bothers me. Then again, any rehearsed answer to a greeting can bother me. I like honesty. Although I’m not always the most honest person myself, I aim to be.

It upsets me sometimes when people fool other people into thinking that his or her life is happy, joyous and free at all times. It gives people a false hope of something they may never live up to. I admit that I am happy joyous and free over all in the general sense. I am grateful. I am also sometimes sad, angry, lonely, depressed, and anxious. I guess what I’m saying here is that it’s ok for me or you or him or her to feel that way. You have the right to feel. You own your emotions. Yes. There are ways of pulling out of it but most of the time I believe that a person has to feel the emotions whether they are good or bad and deal with them. Don’t dwell on them. Deal with them like a human being. Talk to people about it. Most of the time I tell someone I’m close to how I feel they understand. They’ve felt that way too whether they are an alcoholic or bipolar or not. The oddest people I’ve met in my life are the ones that seem perfect. They seem happy all of the time. I’ve learned through getting to know a lot of people like this that they are just as human as the rest of us. They have defects of character and fears just like the rest of the human race. They just hide it better.

Enough of my rant. I just hate when people live a lie. I’ve put many a person on a pedestal through the years and every one of them has fallen. Why? They are human. Super men are in comic books and movies. Now I know that it’s ok to be human. It’s not ok to dwell in any emotion. I live one day at a time and enjoy every moment I can. Some bad moments and some good moments. I hope you do too.


The Future is Today or Get a Job

July 6, 2010

Yep. It’ll be six weeks tomorrow since I was fired. Let go. Freed. It’s been up and don since. Sometimes I am so relaxed and productive writing and putting my books together and other times it’s been depressing. I collect unemployment but not much since I didn’t technically make much on my checks. I’ve been living off of my savings but it’s going fast. Living with my mother doesn’t help much either. She doesn’t nag but there is an unsaid pressure for me to be looking for a job. A job. I don’t really want a job but all of this free time for an unorganized person like me can be hell sometimes. I get filled with anxiety and depression from the unsaid pressure and from being un focused. I want to write and that’s it.

Even dating has fallen to the bottom of my list. As I’ve said many times before I am a flake with dating and even my relationship with my friends. It’s become worse since I’ve become unemployed. I don’t want to do anything except write and make videos with the occasional half assed job hunt thrown in here and there.

The few times that I make the effort to sit down and think about what I want to do with my life I come to the same decision. I want to write, I want to make a living from writing. It’s possible but I there’s a long road of rejection and waiting first. I have to keep going at it. Write everyday. Try and get published every day.

I have so many connections to get into the writing field but it’s writing articles and reviews. This isn’t my strong point yet. I usually write journal or blog style or fiction and poetry. I tried writing reviews before and it ended up being stories about my experience with the movie, live band or cd. It worked for Hunter S Thompson in many of his writings so who knows?

As far as jobs go I’ve been keeping my ear out and talking to people I know because you can get the better jobs through word of mouth. That’s how I got my last 3 or 4 jobs. I use the word kob rather than career because that’s all they were. Telemarketing, retail and food service.

I had an opportunity last week that sounded great. I ran into someone I know that works at a pretty big alcohol and drug rehabilitation center. It hit me that I could really get a lot out of doing that. I’ve considered it in the past and it hit me that I should try and get into it. I asked her how I could get into counseling. She replied with enthusiasm. She said that they are always looking for new people. The pay is average but the benefits are great and you get raises often. The only requirement is to be 2 years sober. Shit. I’m 3 months short. She said to mention her name and maybe it wouldn’t be a problem.

I was nervous and excited about calling the next day. I called and talked to the woman in charge and she said that they couldn’t bend on it. I had to have 2 years sober. She said to call back in October. I was disappointed but I figured it was God’s will so I went back to my part-time online surveys and writing.

Everyone I told about this said that I should have lied. It was only 3 months. Besides I had 16 years sober before my relapse in 2008. I didn’t bother mentioning that to the lady hiring because that could be considered a bad thing. How could I in good conscience lie about my sobriety time so I can get a job working with alcoholics teaching them honesty? It made no sense to me.

Now I have to find a “job” to hold me over hoping that they will still be hiring in October.  At least the experience gave me an idea of what I want to do besides write. Meanwhile, I’m going to give it to God and take one day at a time like I’ve been taught. It worked today.


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