Blink

June 15, 2012

 

Angela was over again and we were happy for the minute. My parents were there from the dead and from the life. I haven’t seen my dead father since the last time I dreamed he was alive. He had never died in the last one. This time I knew he died and came back over and over. Sometimes I acknowledged he was back from the dead. Like this one. They were mad at me and they kept riding my ass. Angela was there and I didn’t want to say or do anything stupid so of course I did. I started screaming at my parents about all and nothing. When my father started back on me I yelled back.

 

“Yeah, well you’re the one that keeps coming back from the dead!” I screamed.

 

Angela was crying. Everything stopped. I felt so bad.

 

“You know I hate when you yell at your parents. You know I have problems with that.” She said.

 

Angela walked to my porch as if she was leaving. I kept apologizing to her and turned my head to apologize to my parents.  I felt so bad my knees cracked with tears. My bones trembled with fear of loss of what I might have had if only I was a tolerant kinder person. She. She was breaking up with me and I was helpless like in those dreams when I find my self naked in the middle of a department store.

 

Blink.

 

Angela and I are at an old movie theater and all is swell. Swollen you can say. I said. No kinks in the love. All smiles whilst holding hands like professional lovers that have been at this game longer than each of us has lived. I catch her catching me catching her looking at me and we laugh until we smell smoke. Someone burnt popcorn I thought. Flames came up through the floors I carried her down the charred rippled weak stairway to uncertainty. She held me tight with a magical look of “if we go down at least it’s together.” We made it just in time as the Fire People squirted. Squirted the last flame out.

 

Out of nowhere a white man dressed as Jimi Hendrix appears in the lobby as Angela and I are trying to leave the burnt building. It turns out to be my friend Tony and he is with Rolland and Jesse. I didn’t question why he was dressed in his garb or colored face. I accept too many things at face value (no pun intended) too much. Too many times. Like why was I with this beautiful girl as my eternal lover out of the blue pink and red?

 

“I wonder if I can buy the posters and movie star cut outs in the movie theater?” Rolland asked with no greetings or concern of our health or the fire.

 

Jesse was silent and patted us on the back with a “it’s going to be ok” vibe.

 

It was ok. I still had a friend and I had Angela.

 

I’m so grateful in my dreams.


Guardian Angel Protection

December 9, 2011

Oh guardian angel

With long black hair

Big brown eyes

Who only appears in my dreams

I beg of you to help me in real life.

 

Oh guardian angel of mine

I cannot decipher your

Messages in my dreams

I beg of you to explain

Even if it’s not part of

Your job description

 

Oh guardian angel

You save me in dreams

Where are you now?

I know you’re here with me

When I’m awake

So please guide me.

 

Should I stop praying directly to God

And pray to you or both?

Please tell me or show me the way.

I will follow. I promise.

 

Oh guardian angel

Don’t hide your wings

Don’t hide your halo

I know it’s there

I know you’re there.

 

I love you.

Please love me

And show me the way.

 


I Already Ate

October 2, 2010


Spirituality

June 12, 2010

I have spirituality today that flows through me most of the time whether I want it to or not. I prefer having it. Many people judge me by the subversive art, writings and music I create and don’t think that it’s humanly possible for me to be a spiritual being. At times I’ve struggled with the outwardly contradictions of my creations and my spiritual beliefs. I’ve had people ask me “YOU believe in god?” I always laugh it off and say yes. They either accept my answer or they don’t. Usually it’s not an issue.

What is spirituality? Merriam-Webster online dictionary has several definitions.

Spirituality

1 : something that in ecclesiastical law belongs to the church or to a cleric as such

2 : clergy

3 : sensitivity or attachment to religious values

4 : the quality or state of being spiritual

It defines Spiritual

1 : of, relating to, consisting of, or affecting the spirit : incorporeal <spiritual needs>

2 a : of or relating to sacred matters <spiritual songs> b : ecclesiastical rather than lay or temporal <spiritual authority> <lords spiritual>

3 : concerned with religious values

4 : related or joined in spirit <our spiritual home> <his spiritual heir>

5 a : of or relating to supernatural beings or phenomena b : of, relating to, or involving spiritualism : spiritualistic

I believe it’s a personal thing. It’s a personal relationship with a “higher power”. It’s something outside of me that flows inward. It is relative to a “spirit” but not a standard definition for me. I believe in keeping in close contact with this “spirit” through prayer, meditation and through some of the people I hang out with that I can maintain a spiritual balance. It also requires action. I can pray and meditate all that want but nothing is going to change if I don’t make an effort in living my life the best I can. Hopefully I can help others in the process.

In the past year and a half or so I have learned some key elements that have helped strengthen and maintain my spiritual being. First of all “God” as I chose to call him, has become more important everyday. He is the most important part of my life and if I expect to have a useful pleasurable life I need to grow spiritually. I’ve learned that I must take actions against my will on a daily basis. Do what my selfish brain doesn’t want me to do like be there for friends and family and even strangers. Helping others is an important factor to my spiritual well being as well. I’ve also learned that it is not about me. Despite my self absorbed projects and creative ventures I must remain aware of contributing to society and my fellow man.

I believe in karma. Whatever happens to me is a result of something I did. If I do the right thing in most situations then the right thing will happen. The while do unto others as you would have them do unto you way of living is the best way to go. If I treat everyone well then I usually get treated well and feel good. If I treat people like shit then I get the same back.

These are pretty simple concepts. I don’t want to debate religion or God. I am merely expressing my views that grow everyday I act on them. Overall, I appreciate life today. I am grateful for my God, friends, family and you.

My art, writings and music are merley pains and darkness within me being released. Once I get them out creatively I usually feel better. It doesn’t matter whether I draw pictures, write stories or songs about serial killers, Satan, demons, sexual perversions, and if I curse. It’s part of who I am and I am still a spiritually developing human being finding my voice and my way through this sometimes-crazy thing called life. I love it and wouldn’t have it any other way.


No Guilt for Fate

June 6, 2010

Fate. God’s Will. What is meant to be is to be. Call it what you want but I believe things happen for a reason. I believe in this more and more every day. Everything that has happened in my life has lead me to who I am now. For better or for worse depending on the day and my spiritual condition or mood. It’s all about today for me, today.

I don’t have any regrets of my past and what I have done or haven’t done. It is what it is. I try to make the best of each moment and when I’m down I just ride it out and it goes away eventually.

My recent unfair job loss has freed my mind up a bit. For now. I’m in a position to move on creatively and try to improve the quality of life for myself. By losing my “job” I got to thinking about what I really want to do. I’ve known it for a long time now but I want to write. I want to write and make a living off of writing stories, novels and poetry. I might get sidetracked here and there but I know deep in my heart what I want to do. What I’m good at.

Recently (but before I lost my job), I wanted to recreate myself as an artist. I’ve been toning things done a little here and there. I created a new blog page online to help promote me as a writer. I was going ot only post the less offensive writings. I’ve been holding back on my online social networking pages as well because family and people I know casually are on there. You know what? I don’t care anymore. To quote the great Popeye “I am what I am”. I did what I did.

I was worried about future employers googling my name and finding out about the xxx movies I’ve made, the serial killer songs I’ve written, recorded and performed, the sexual or offensive stories I’ve written and the “sick” drawings I’ve done. At one point I was considering deleting everything I could off of the internet. That’s impossible. I did what I did. Some things I’m proud of and some things I’m not but it all contributed to making me who I am today. It’s all part of who I am. People will see it and choose if they like it or not from there.

Anyone that knows me well knows that I am perverted, dark, and weird. They also know that I am a decent person that doesn’t revolve my life around my darkness or perversions. There is another side to me.

It took another loss of a meaningless “job” to open my eyes to see who I am again. To quote Patti Smith “I am an American artist and I have no guilt”.

Today I will either create something perverted, dark, or light and funny. Whatever it is I am on a mission to constantly create no matter what anyone else thinks or says about it. Amen.


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