Mental Illness, Death & Buffy the Vampire Slayer

April 2, 2011

It’s been a while since I wrote anything personal or what’s going on in my life and posted it. So many changes and so many things staying the same.

 

I’ve been a shut in. I’ve been anti-social. I’ve been out of my mind with my Bipolar. I’ve had the face pain from the Trigeminal Neuralgia (TN) on and off.  My anxiety Disorder has been acting up. My thoughts and feelings about life in general have fluctuated so much that it’s been rough to focus and complete anything. I have so many writings started and then I get distracted from my ailments. So, I’ve been pretty much working on various novels I’ve been working on forever and watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Ha.

 

It might sound funny but that’s what’s been getting me through the past month or so. I’ve been watching the series from season 1 on. Honestly it is a fantastic show. Well, it was a fantastic show. Underneath the goofiness, the vampires and demons etc., there is depth to the characters that I’ve been able to relate to and I’ve been opening up my feelings about life to myself.

 

I’ve been so disconnected for a long time that my emotions and relationships with people have died. I literally stopped caring about anyone or anything. My memories started cooperating. I started losing memories. My entire life experiences became a distant fog.

 

The final blow was when I started training for a job after 6 months of unemployment and I blew it on the second day. My TN acted up and I was up  all night and took my pain meds. I woke up 2 hours after I was supposed to be there. Since I was 14 or 15 I have always had a job. I’ve even had my own businesses. It was a real blow to me that my illnesses might be severe enough to keep me from holding a steady job. I fell deeper into my denial fog.

 

When I started watching Buffy I started to relive personal experiences that I’ve repressed and didn’t want to deal with. Lost loves, lost relatives, lost jobs, etc. It still seems corny that a cult TV series would start bringing me back to life but it did.

 

A few days ago my Aunt died. She was the one that helped me stop drinking and got me into “recovery”. I stopped going and believing in the 12 steps months ago and now that she’s gone it brought up everything. I remembered everyone that I’ve lost. I am questioning my part in life. In other people’s lives. In the 12 step program itself.

 

It’s tough to lose someone again. Someone I love and had such a strong impact on my life. It’s been really painful lately both emotionally and physically. It’s also been a good thing because it makes me feel human again. Although I can give a good appearance most of the time, overall, I have been out of my mind and almost completely numb. I’ve been repressing my fear, doubts, pains, my very existence. I was beyond hopeless in my mind.

 

I finally feel human again. Just by letting go emotionally I came out of hiding. Vicariously living in this TV show I actually woke up from my fog. Memories, feelings and motivation are surging through me now. I feel like I have a chance at life again.

 

I’m going to go finish watching Buffy save the world again and get another recharge. Ha.


Trouacdof

January 21, 2011


Sarah Silverman and Cheese

January 13, 2011

A blog a wrote last year that never made it here.

I just watched a movie called I Want Someone to Eat Cheese With starring Jeff Garlin from Curb Your Enthusiasm and Sarah Silverman. I rented it because I found a clip on YouTube with Sarah Silverman in a dressing room trying on underwear. I’ve been a fan of hers for a while and I guess I have an obsession for her. Despite seeing Sarah in her underwear the movie made me a bit depressed. ….

It’s about a 39 year old over weight barely working actor named James that lives with his mother and over eats. He gets dumped by a girl that isn’t really his official girlfriend, He gets dumped by his agent. He eventually gets dumped from his acting jobs one by one. So he comforts himself by eating.

James meets Beth played by Sarah Silverman in an ice cream parlor. She gives him free ice cream and he falls for her. They end up on a really funny and strange date that leads to sex on the second date. James is in love. Beth seems to accept him for who he is and likes him. Things are looking a little better for James so far…..

The next day he shows up at her apartment and rings the bell. A man’s voice answers through the intercom and hangs up. He rings it again and Beth answers and says that she’ll be right down. She answers the door wearing a sheet like she’s just getting out of bed.

James hands her flowers and she didn’t want them. She explains that there is nothing between them and it was a one-night deal. He is surprised to say the least. Then she tells him she just wanted to see what it was like to have sex with a fat guy. He leaves depressed and turns to food again.

The movie gets a little more positive but it hit me hard. I’m over weight. I live with my Mother. I have no writing, acting or any creative job. I haven’t had a girlfriend in over a year. I used to be rejected a lot like the main character. Despite the fact that I’m not like that now, it brings back those feelings. I am James. ….

I hope I didn’t spoil the movie but I don’t think anyone will watch this movie anyway except for the Sarah Silverman perverts like myself who wanted to see her in her underwear. If that’s all you want you don’t have to bother with the movie. You can find the entire scene on YouTube-

 


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