Miss You (A Poem)

December 20, 2011

NOTE- I wrote this over a month ago when a special someone in my life seemed to have disappeared. It’s much better now but this poem is based on how I felt at the time. You know who you are.

 

Miss you

I do

Seriously

I keep thinking it’s something I did

Or didn’t do

 

I thought we were mates

Of the soul

Unconditional love

Now you’re gone

 

I understand you have a life

You have problems too

I’ve been too self-centered

To notice

 

I notice

I do

Seriously

Are you gone forever

Or just for a little while

 

Unreturned text messages

Phone calls

Over and over again

Not even a “I’m going through something”

Or a

“I can’t talk now.”

 

Maybe it’s a hint that

You don’t want me

Like me

Love me

Or miss me


I Don’t Love You

January 9, 2011

All you need is love. Love is all you need. I wonder about that. No I don’t. I’m not a cynic. It happens. It has happened. It may happen again. I’m talking about romantic love and relationship love. There’s plenty of love amongst my friends and family. Not in the dating. romantic, or relationship department for me in a long time. I almost had it last year but nope. It didn’t happen.

 

I just read a blog written by an optimistic 21-year-old girl talking about her perspective of love. Her boyfriend’s 40-year-old friend says he is too old for love. “Too old for love” I read and re-read. I wonder if that’s what’s happened to me? Is that what I believe? Of course the young girl doesn’t believe it to be true. She believes in love. True love. Love at first sight. Love is forever. Love is all you need. I believed in it too when I was her age and most of my life.

 

I believed it every time I fell in love, lusted, had an obsession or infatuation. Time and time again I would feel that this woman was the one for me. I guess for the time we had together she was the one for me. After going through this over and over again it makes me question what the point is of trying again. Is there one for me? “The one?” Maybe I had several “ones” already and I missed out. Maybe it’s out there. I don’t know. I’m slowly reaching a point where I don’t care. I’m pretty sure that I am there.

 

I look at it like this: I’ve had many girlfriends, relationships affairs and even a marriage. I’ve loved more than most people I know. I’ve also been rejected more than anyone I know. That’s life. If I never have mutual love with a woman again I won’t die. It won’t kill me. Nobody has ever died from lack of love. Maybe if they dwelled on it and gave up on living but physically they haven’t died. You get my point.

 

Maybe, I’m finished with love. Maybe I’ve had my share and it’s time to move on and worry about me. Maybe I should worry about my mental, spiritual, creative and physical health. I’d like to say I don’t give it any thought. Of course I do. I’m just not obsessed with it like I used to be. I’m just not interested right now. I have a lot of things to do and it’s not on the top of my priority list right now.

 

I’ve changed a lot the past 2 years and I’m sure I’ll be changing again. I am finally comfortable with who I am right now. It was slow acceptance but I feel like I am alive despite my new found anti-socialism. I enjoy being alone most of the time. When I don’t enjoy being alone then I go out. Sure, I have anxiety problems among other mental and physical ailments to deal with. I deal with them on a daily basis and move on. I know love won’t help me anyway. If I don’t take care of myself first then I am in no position to love anyway.

 

Who knows I might write about a girl I like or am attracted to next week or even tomorrow but for now love isn’t for me. I’m not for love.

 

I don’t know if I’m too old for love or maybe love is too old for me.


Friends

October 21, 2010

Friends. Friends. What are they good for? Absolutely nothing. I’m exaggerating but very few people stay in each other’s lives forever unless they are related and even relatives can disappear. People come and they go in our lives like our housing, clothes, cars and jobs. Everyone changes and can grow away or towards other people. Grow out of jobs, houses, clothes and cars. The loss of these things by choice or by circumstance. Why am I talking about this?

 

I’ve just been reflecting on old friends that have either come back in my life or come to my mind. Old girlfriends and even a wife have been going through my dreams. It seems that everything and everybody in my life have become distant memories that harbor no strong emotion or difference. I’m sure that they’ve had their place and served their purpose in my existence. I wonder why I once held these things in such high regard. No. I wonder even more as to why I don’t care as much anymore.

 

I’ve been told that it’s part of growing up. Or is it part of growing old? None of my current friends really care about me. I really don’t care about them. These seem like harsh statements but they’re true. I care about people at times to a certain extent. I pray for the people in and out of my life past and present. I care on one level but I don’t on another level. When I see or talk to some friends I have a good time but its not like it used to be. We all leave each other and go back to own self absorbed worlds.

 

I ran into an old friend the other night and he went right into busting my balls the way he used to. I was hurt. It put my view of friendships in perspective. I don’t want to be friends with an asshole who puts me down. I got back in touch with another friend a few weeks ago when his sister died. We both changed and got along really well.  He has a full life now so we won’t be seeing much of each other. Other friends I’ve let go of in the past because they weren’t growing but going backwards. I like to think that I am growing but it’s at a much slower rate the past few years.

 

I have family members of my natural mother’s side that have cut me off and want nothing to do with me because of my past interests in subversive arts and serial killers etc. I’ve made many attempts to get in touch and no response. It’s on them. People are people. People come and go including family. Family isn’t always blood. My adopted family accepts me as I am and including my eccentricities. I still wonder if anyone really cares or if I care for them. I appreciate them.

 

Love, lust, and crushes all come and go too. How many times have you said, “This is it. I’m in love. This is the one for me”? I’ve said it to myself countless times. Sometimes these thoughts lead to relationships that last years then they go. I could write on and on about the “what is love” question. This is about friends. Friends.

 

I’ve learned through the years that you have to be a friend to have a friend and I haven’t put out that much so it makes sense. I don’t think anyone cares because I don’t care. I’m not bitter or resentful I believe people are in their own worlds and the people in their world are just people in their world. I have my world too. You are just another person in my world. Sure I can name special things about people. I’ve been supportive to others and I’ve had other’s support, I do it because it’s the human thing to do. The right thing. I just can’t say I care much right now.

 

I’m numb to strong feelings about anyone right now and it’s ok. This will change with the next romance or the next close friend I bond with. I know that future relationships will most likely end. People, places and things come and go. Friends. Friends.

 

It would be easier if I re-define what a friend is. I’m not sure I ever defined it to begin with.

Then again, I’ve been told, “it’s not about me.”

 

Want to be my friend?


Frustrated – digital art

August 13, 2010


How to Avoid Life Through Self Absorbtion

July 20, 2010

I used to wish that I was one of those artists that was so self- absorbed that he didn’t give a shit about anything else. Dedicated his every waking minute to his art regardless of the outcome or what anyone thinks. No social life. Not many friends. The one that stayed in and did his craft day after day.

I’ve gone through periods of my life where I’ve been able to do that. I was able to focus on my art and that was it but there was always an inherent need to be loved and liked especially by women. There was a time that my entire identity was based on how much I was loved in a relationship. As I got older and more confident in myself I started to go through periods of working and caring only about my art, writing or music. It’s when I feel my best. Alone and creating.

I think that’s why I have been so anti-social lately. All I want to do is write, edit, create and promote. I hardly want to leave the house or look for a job or date or have sex or anything except write, write and write. Create, create and create. What’s really odd is that the loneliness is there. My need to be loved is there. I want to fall in love and date but instead of allowing myself to feel it I repress it and keep moving on my projects. My projects are my self-absorbed escape from my true feelings. I’ve turned my fear of rejection and loneliness into productive creativity.

Almost everyday I force myself out to a meeting so I maintain some sort of connection with the world besides the online community that only aids my anti-social behavior. It also keeps me grounded, spiritual and away from a drink or drugs. I try and keep as close as I can to my God as I can even when I am alone creating. Especially when I am alone creating.

Despite my fears of rejection, abandonment, loneliness and looking for employment I am quite happy with my life because I am using them to fuel my creativity. Hmmm. I guess I’m not entirely avoiding these feelings. I know that they are there. I’ve just taken the wasted energy worrying and put it into something positive. Life is good even when it’s bad.


Indifference is the Word of the Day

July 18, 2010

Mediocrity is the worst. No. Indifference is the worst. I sit here in my usual spot doing my usual things feeling indifferent. I don’t care today. I sit and I wait for inspiration. Not sad. Not happy. Not angry. Not joyful. Not feelings one way or the other. I just do my thing. I go through the motions and wait. Wait for a feeling. For something.

The things that would usual aggravate me or excite me aren’t having an affect on my today. Luckily I am in the habit of doing things. Positive and negative things. Productive and nonproductive.

I write. I wait. I create I wait. I waste time on the internet. I wait. I talk to you. I wait. I have faith it will come. I just don’t know when.

I try and seize the day and not let the day seize me. It doesn’t. I’m indifferent today. I feel mediocre. It’s worse than depression or joy. At least then I have passion.

“Oh dear passion please come to me.” I say.

Then I don’t care again.

I don’t care today. Just for today.


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