Life is Changing and Changing

November 14, 2010

Life is changing and changing. I heard that if your not changing and growing then you are dying. If you are a creative person and you are not creating then you are dying. The past few months have been different to say the least. The past few years have been unusually different to say the most. Some days I’m so focused on  my goals and dreams and other days I’m off the races in my mind and can’t function. I don’t know f I am growing but I am changing.

It seems like I keep waking up and everything that has happened in my life was a dream. Good dream and bad dream. One day I’m living in an apartment I can’t afford even though I had a job and I was whacked out on pain meds, psych meds and life in general the next day I’m clean and sober with less Psych meds living with my parents helping my sick father who eventually died. Then I’m in house with my mother and I lose my job but I have money in the bank and a little unemployment coming my way so it was comfortable.

I published not just one novel but three books within a moth. I felt great creatively and spiritually. I believe those are connected. Life is rolling along one day at a time. Then the pressure starts hitting me to think about a career. A job. Something. My mother and my friends think it’s time I go to work. I secretly disagreed.

What I thought was an epiphany turned out to be a fantasy and an unrealistic reality. I thought that I wanted ot get into Drug and Alcohol counseling. I talked to some people and researched half assedly. I found out I needed two years of recovery to get into the particular places I was looking for. I used it as an excuse not ot look for anything else.

I woke up one day and I am suddenly renting a house from a friend and out of my mom’s house. I still have no job and my savings are dwindling. No muney and more bills. I have a house mate. We started a business venture that may or may not pay off but we at least started it.

I went form no job plenty of money living with mom creating every day to sharing a house with a friend and business partner with no job and no money and less motivation to write and create. My energies are in the business. No income is expected for a while but I refuse to work. Sure I do a little part time work for an uncle but nothing serious.

My anxiety levels and agoraphobia keep me house ridden for days sometimes. I hate socializing. What happened to “good time Charlie” as an old friend once called me?

It seems I went from mr social guy to hermit overnight. It did take years. Some say it’s part of me growing up. Some say it’s my mental problems. Some say “get a job, ya bum”. Some say nothing at all. What can they say?

It’s not easy being human. I was going ot say me but I know everyone has problems. They just don’t wear them on their sleeves or like merit badges on their chest like I do sometimes.

I never thought that I’d be at a place in my life where I refused to look for a job. I’m not sure if it’s stubbornness, fear, my determination to succeed in other areas, or my mental illness and anxiety.

I went from having a job and lots of money living with my mother to no job, no money, paying rent etc. I keep waking up everyday in a different state of mind with a different focus and different awareness. I wonder who am I? Where am I going? What am I doing? Then I run away and hide in other thoughts that either thrill me or upset me fro the day.

The only thing I know is that tomorrow is another day. I never know what is around the corner and if I at least try at life I will feel a live. I hope. I always have hope.


Happy, Joyous and Free . . . Weeeeeee!

July 8, 2010

“I want what all those happy joyous & free mother fuckers have..” she wrote in a message to me.

I got news for you- nobody is happy, joyous and free all of the time. It comes in waves. We are all human, ya know. We all have our crosses to bear. We all have our fears, insecurities, failings, and crashes. Some more than others but none of us would be human if we didn’t.

I’ve been attending these meetings for over 18 years and I’ve heard a lot of great things but most of the people are full of shit. They talk it and don’t walk it. That’s human too. I don’t hold it against them. Nobody is happy, joyous and free 24 hours a day. No one. Did I say no one? No one.

There was a line from Jason Lee’s character in Vanilla Sky “the sweet wouldn’t be as sweet without the sour”. If I didn’t have the sour I wouldn’t appreciate the sweet. It doesn’t have to be all bad. I don’t have to focus on the bad but I do have to go through the emotions whether I want to or not. Otherwise I’m repressing it and telling myself and others a huge lie. “I’m ok”. No I’m not. I am this moment but not all of the time. It’s ok to not be ok sometimes. It doesn’t mean that I am not spiritual enough. It doesn’t mean that I’m not working the 12 steps hard enough. It just means that I am human and life is happening and I have to face it instead of running from it like I have in the past.

When my friend died of Aids in 1997 I sat with his mother at the funeral. She said that everyone is telling her “everything is going to be ok”. She said, “it’s not going to be ok.” I agreed with her and said, “You’re right. It’s not going to be ok.” It was probably the most honesty I’ve ever given and she’s ever received. It’s better than lying to her. She seemed to feel more comfort knowing that someone recognized her right to feel that way than hearing  “It’ll be ok”.

There’s this one guy that says “I’m happy, joyous and free today because I choose to be” at every meeting he goes to. Yet he seems pretty miserable when I’ve tried talking to him after the meeting. Abraham Lincoln said, “you are as happy as you make your mind up to be”. I get the general attitude there but it’s not that easy all of the time. Every morning I wake up and pray and ask God to guide me through my day. Some days I get aggravated or depressed almost immediately after. That’s life. I can choose to stay there or find a way out. On the average I do a little of both on a given bad day.

I don’t trust people that act happy every time I see them and always share and talk about positive things. I don’t like people that tell me how great they are doing when they’re really not. I love to hear people share from their heart about themselves and their lives whether it’s good, bad or average and what they are doing about it. What’s really going on?

I hear a lot of people say, “I’m livin’ the dream” in some circles and it seems so fake like a Stewart Smiley affirmation. I’m good enough, I’m smart enough and gosh darn it, people like me. Maybe they are “livin’ the dream” but it just seems so fake. This is just my personal opinion. If it works for them then more power to them. I understand the general sentiment in the term. In a sense I am living the dream too. I understand the point they are making which is I never dreamed I could live with my addictions in some sort of control. I never dreamed I would have and utilize a higher power that helps me if I ask. In that sense I am living the dream. It’s just when that’s your rehearsed answer to the question “How are you?” it bothers me. Then again, any rehearsed answer to a greeting can bother me. I like honesty. Although I’m not always the most honest person myself, I aim to be.

It upsets me sometimes when people fool other people into thinking that his or her life is happy, joyous and free at all times. It gives people a false hope of something they may never live up to. I admit that I am happy joyous and free over all in the general sense. I am grateful. I am also sometimes sad, angry, lonely, depressed, and anxious. I guess what I’m saying here is that it’s ok for me or you or him or her to feel that way. You have the right to feel. You own your emotions. Yes. There are ways of pulling out of it but most of the time I believe that a person has to feel the emotions whether they are good or bad and deal with them. Don’t dwell on them. Deal with them like a human being. Talk to people about it. Most of the time I tell someone I’m close to how I feel they understand. They’ve felt that way too whether they are an alcoholic or bipolar or not. The oddest people I’ve met in my life are the ones that seem perfect. They seem happy all of the time. I’ve learned through getting to know a lot of people like this that they are just as human as the rest of us. They have defects of character and fears just like the rest of the human race. They just hide it better.

Enough of my rant. I just hate when people live a lie. I’ve put many a person on a pedestal through the years and every one of them has fallen. Why? They are human. Super men are in comic books and movies. Now I know that it’s ok to be human. It’s not ok to dwell in any emotion. I live one day at a time and enjoy every moment I can. Some bad moments and some good moments. I hope you do too.


I Feel Much Better Now Video by Rich Hillen Jr

June 26, 2010

When I wrote this in 2003. The title and chorus came from  a line from a 1984 -1992 TV show called Night Court. The main character, Judge Harry Stone (Harry Anderson), had a crazy father played by John Astin (Gomez from the Addam’s Family) that would appear every so often. He would say all kinds of delusional and crazy things about his past and always ended it by saying “I’m much better now”. That line just stuck with my and I changed it to I Feel Much Better Now and wrote the song based on my crazy life. I feel Much Better Now. Enjoy.


%d bloggers like this: