Valentine’s Day Massacre in My Head

February 14, 2012

Valentine’s Day Depression

 

Depression slowly creeps into my life once again. My broken record plays the same tune we’ve all heard before.

 

“I don’t believe in celebrating Valentine’s Day.” I usually say or used to say when I was single or dating or married to a woman that would accept my statement of “it’s just a holiday dreamed up by corporations to sell things like most every other holiday.

 

My sleeping pattern has been going screwy on me. Actually my “napping” time has been going screwy on me lately. I just got myself into the habit of going to bed by 12-1 am at the latest and waking up between 5 am and 7 am. Despite my recent long naps I’ve been keeping my new habit for over 3 weeks now. Until today.

 

Is it a coincidence that it’s St. Valentine’s Day? Do I secretly associate this day with loneliness and depression? Or is all just by chance that my depression falls on society’s national romantic holiday. I woke up later than my new usual time around 9 am. I wasn’t feeling it. I wasn’t feeling the day. I thought some coffee would wake me up, pull me out of my funk. I stayed awake and prayed, meditated and wrote. I still wasn’t feeling it.

 

I said fuck it to myself and went to my bedroom with a cup of coffee and tried to finish watching a Velvet Underground documentary on YouTube and have some coffee. Something about my bed makes me unproductive and most times sleepy. I still wasn’t feeling the day and fell asleep before noon. My dreams were vivid and seemed to include all of my ex-girlfriends one dream at a time but there was no mention of Valentine’s Day. I woke up around 2 pm and had something to eat and more coffee. I went back to watching the documentary in my bedroom and was soon off to la la land.

I woke up around 6 pm with more dreams of more loves of the past and that’s when it occurred to me that there might me a correlation between my depressive state and Valentine’s Day. I subconsciously connect Valentines Day with love or lack of it whether I want to or not. Loneliness has followed me my whole life as the character Travis Bickle states in the movie Taxi Driver. That line seems to follow me through my life.

 

I’m a loner, believe it or not, and love to be alone as a result of being an only child. I can also be lonely and isolate myself at the same time. I find it difficult to see the difference sometimes. There have been times in my life where years of depression pass and I don’t even know it yet alone show it. The song “Tracks of my Tears” by Smokey Robinson comes to mind sometimes. I used to be the life of the party and then cry when I am alone. I have a great poker face in public. I even fool myself into having a great time then the depression hits me on the way home or at home.

 

I hear there are many suicides on Valentine’s Day. “A recent poll found that one in ten young adults admitted to feeling lonely, insecure, depressed, or unwanted on Valentine’s Day. And that’s just the ones that admitted it.” – Listfirst.com. I guess I’m one but then again the quote says young adults. I wonder if it’s better or worse for older adults. The good news is that I am not suicidal.

 

These are my thoughts and feelings of the day. I hope it didn’t ruin yours and you had and are having a fantastic celebration of Valentine’s Day today.

 

I’ll see how I feel tomorrow.

My favorite and my last Valentine’s Day present. She even wrote lyrics from my favorite Rolling Stones’ songs “Dead Flowers” on he tag attached. “Take me down little Suzy. Take me down, . . “


People Come and People Go: The Next Generation

July 31, 2011

“Hey man.”

“Hey brother man.”

“Duuuude”

“Yo Rich.”

“Word.”

“(insert any other greeting of friends of mine past and present)”

I was watching Star Trek: The Next Generation the other night. The story was focused on Data, the android who longs to be human or experience the full range of human emotion. He finds out that he somehow dies in the past. Storyline aside, Data was happy that he what an expiration date and didn’t know when. It made him mortal like a human. Someone said to him that it must be tough to make friends and get to know them then they die and he has to do it again. Lacking human emotion, he simple said “then I will make more friends until they go.” It got me thinking. It reflected my life.

I have had so many friends, girlfriends and even families through the years. They come and they go. Some people I keep in touch with do years and then let go. Some friends I never see or talk to again. Best friends forever isn’t a term that applies to my life. I’ve had some of the closest friends a guy could have. I’ve had the worst ones too. It applies to families and girlfriends too. I could go on about the specifics etc but it doesn’t matter. It’s the way things turned out.  I have people in my life and they probably won’t all last and it’s ok. It’s my life.

I have a spiritual life but even that hasn’t been the same through the years. It didn’t exist in my life for years. Even Gods can come and go I guess. I’m still here.

I see some people who aren’t like me. They have the same friends from high school. They have the same family that gave birth to them. They have the same girlfriend or wife and children. That’s not me. Not sure I want that or even care. These were just some thoughts.


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