A new document. When I open my Word program to start writing or open an old document sometimes the program forces me tochoose “open new document.” It’s like a sign that I should be writing something new. With each new document I am starting over in a sense. It at least gives me the opportunity to start over. I am tempted to compare it to life. Each new day is a new document. I have a choice to open it and start new or go back to old documents and finish or dwell on what’s past.
As in real life I choose to ignore the chance to start fresh and go back into my old documents and try and finish writings that are either obsolete or are going nowhere. Hmmm.. Just like my life.
Here I am choosing to start my new document I find myself unsure of where I am going to go. Hmmm. Just like life. I put my nose to the proverbial grind stone and my shoulder to the wheel and move forward.
Being a writer is not a choice for me anymore. It’s like my other roles in life. My illnesses, my addictions, etc. I loose the choice of what I am bit I can make the proper changes to adjust to new situations. Ooooooo. I am such a deep dude. *sarcastic laughter under my breath*
I make choices every day against my better judgment. I know right form wrong and times out of 10 I choose the wrong. I know I can learn from my mistakes and I choose not to on a daily basis. Ironically it all catches up to me and I change and I grow against my own will. I make better choices slowly and move forward to the next level of my life even slower.
I used to have these delusional fantasies about tomorrow when I was younger. “Tomorrow is the day I am going to wake up and be completely different. I am going to cut my hair, shave, get that perfect job, fid that perfect love and make the start of my new life.” Every day I’d wake up and put it off until tomorrow. It’s different now.
Everyday, for the most part, I get up and take it as it comes and try and do one thing different. Just one thing. As easy as it sounds it can be a struggle as well.
I believe in slow change now. I believe that life changing events and rude awakenings don’t last. I’ve found this to be true personally. I’ve had a lot of my delusional “epiphanies” and then I go back to the old me somewhere along the line. The real changes and growth periods, the ones that stick come from daily maintenance and in baby steps. One little thing at a time. I don’t think I’d want it any other way at this point.
I’ve gone through a major transformation the past few years and it was slow and sometimes painful. Someone asked me after a book reading I did the other day “what would I change in my past if I had a choice?” I can honestly say “not one thing.” I know how I am now. I don’t know what I would have been like otherwise. I’ll take now.
I can accept my daily choice of a “new document” or finishing an old one. It’s my choice and I know from the bottom of my heart that I’m going to be ok either way.
Hmmm.. This is no longer a new document. How about that?