Desire Part 2.3

February 2, 2012

 

Desires of riches through

Creative means means means everything to me.

Drawings,

Novels-how novel,

Music paid to play and

Photography.

I want it all.

Desires of riches of the spirit

With God

Through God

My Guardian Angel

Speaks to me

And takes care of me.

Desires of love

Of another person

Mutual, true, deep

And understanding love

That lasts forever

That knows no end.

Desires of happiness

Through satisfaction of self.

Inside and out.


Indifference is the Word of the Day

July 18, 2010

Mediocrity is the worst. No. Indifference is the worst. I sit here in my usual spot doing my usual things feeling indifferent. I don’t care today. I sit and I wait for inspiration. Not sad. Not happy. Not angry. Not joyful. Not feelings one way or the other. I just do my thing. I go through the motions and wait. Wait for a feeling. For something.

The things that would usual aggravate me or excite me aren’t having an affect on my today. Luckily I am in the habit of doing things. Positive and negative things. Productive and nonproductive.

I write. I wait. I create I wait. I waste time on the internet. I wait. I talk to you. I wait. I have faith it will come. I just don’t know when.

I try and seize the day and not let the day seize me. It doesn’t. I’m indifferent today. I feel mediocre. It’s worse than depression or joy. At least then I have passion.

“Oh dear passion please come to me.” I say.

Then I don’t care again.

I don’t care today. Just for today.


“I Think I Get More Enthusiasm From My House Plants . . .ha”

June 30, 2010

“I think I get more enthusiasm from my house plants…ha” she wrote me in an email.

She ended it with that. She basically told me flake or no flake that she feels like she’s wasting her time on me. It wasn’t worth much more effort on her part because I don’t seem interested in it at all. I was. I am. I’m just a flake. No. There’s more to it than that. That word is a cop out.

I just don’t seem to be real enthused about meeting new people even though I make the effort. I keep starting new relationships and then fade out or put it off. Whether it’s dating or hanging out with close friends I just put things off or don’t follow through on getting together, returning phone calls or emails. It doesn’t seem to matter whether it’s a guy, girl or in between. Ha. I guess it’s not a good time for me.

I can make excuses like I’m self-absorbed and into my writing and other creative projects. I’m depressed. I’m bipolar. I’m an Alcoholic. I’m a drug addict. The anniversary of my father’s death recently passed. I’m unemployed. These facts are all true but they are just excuses. I deal with these issues daily. Generally speaking I am happy for the most part. I just can’t seem to take interest in socializing outside of my comfy little internet realm or at 12 step meetings.

I have to go to the meetings to help maintain my sobriety, spiritual level and help others. I get to socialize as a bonus. I have to socialize there. When I was working it was also a forced socialization with my co-workers that I liked dearly and the customers I could take or leave.

Sometimes I leave social situations in a bad mood, sad or depressed for some reason. Even though I receive the validation I used to crave, I don’t really care about it anymore. Like I’ve written before I don’t know what’s happened to me in the past few years but I am a different person. I’m ok with it overall but it’s so noticeable that it concerns me sometimes. Isn’t life supposed to be a mix of inner reflection and socialization? Are we not as humans born social creatures?

Maybe it’s the internet that’s changed me. I can have all sorts of relationships and socialization without leaving the comforts of my living space, my mind and my feelings. I don’t have to face people when I’m down or too happy. I can be whoever I want to be on a social networking site. I end up being me anyway. I can be self centered and write about me and promote my projects without interruptions. I don’t have to listen to other people talk about their trips or interests. Don’t get em wrong, more than half the time I am interested in listening to other people once I’m in a social situation. Other people can be interesting but sometimes I just don’t feel like it. I also leave the situation feeling down for no reason.

The past ten to fifteen years I have been dealing with people in my life that are as flaky if not flakier than me. They cant commit to anything. They don’t show or cancel all of the time. They do the same exact things that I’ve been doing and it used to drive me nuts. I learned ot accept that few people do what they say they are going to do or won’t say because they know they won’t follow through. Now I’m one of them. My motto used to be “a commitment means –come hell or high water I will be there”. Now it seems to be this wishy washy decision that I put off to the last minute. I usually back out.

I don’t know if this has to change or not. I was forcing myself out socially at least once a week to try and be a social human being again. After a few months I stopped. I go out when I have to and once in a while if I feel like it. I return emails when I feel like it. I pay bills just on time at the last minute. I do chores at the last minute when I have to. Like I’ve said repeatedly I’m not sure if it’s a good thing or a bad thing. It’s working for me so far so I shouldn’t really worry about it. I just don’t want to lose friends and become a total recluse. I might enjoy it for a while but I don’t want to be alone for the rest of my life.

I’m going to try and be more social and bring more enthusiasm than a house plant to the table. I love life and I love people so something has to change. Meanwhile I plan on staying home all day writing and such an go out later to a meeting.


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