Mental Illness, Death & Buffy the Vampire Slayer

April 2, 2011

It’s been a while since I wrote anything personal or what’s going on in my life and posted it. So many changes and so many things staying the same.

 

I’ve been a shut in. I’ve been anti-social. I’ve been out of my mind with my Bipolar. I’ve had the face pain from the Trigeminal Neuralgia (TN) on and off.  My anxiety Disorder has been acting up. My thoughts and feelings about life in general have fluctuated so much that it’s been rough to focus and complete anything. I have so many writings started and then I get distracted from my ailments. So, I’ve been pretty much working on various novels I’ve been working on forever and watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Ha.

 

It might sound funny but that’s what’s been getting me through the past month or so. I’ve been watching the series from season 1 on. Honestly it is a fantastic show. Well, it was a fantastic show. Underneath the goofiness, the vampires and demons etc., there is depth to the characters that I’ve been able to relate to and I’ve been opening up my feelings about life to myself.

 

I’ve been so disconnected for a long time that my emotions and relationships with people have died. I literally stopped caring about anyone or anything. My memories started cooperating. I started losing memories. My entire life experiences became a distant fog.

 

The final blow was when I started training for a job after 6 months of unemployment and I blew it on the second day. My TN acted up and I was up  all night and took my pain meds. I woke up 2 hours after I was supposed to be there. Since I was 14 or 15 I have always had a job. I’ve even had my own businesses. It was a real blow to me that my illnesses might be severe enough to keep me from holding a steady job. I fell deeper into my denial fog.

 

When I started watching Buffy I started to relive personal experiences that I’ve repressed and didn’t want to deal with. Lost loves, lost relatives, lost jobs, etc. It still seems corny that a cult TV series would start bringing me back to life but it did.

 

A few days ago my Aunt died. She was the one that helped me stop drinking and got me into “recovery”. I stopped going and believing in the 12 steps months ago and now that she’s gone it brought up everything. I remembered everyone that I’ve lost. I am questioning my part in life. In other people’s lives. In the 12 step program itself.

 

It’s tough to lose someone again. Someone I love and had such a strong impact on my life. It’s been really painful lately both emotionally and physically. It’s also been a good thing because it makes me feel human again. Although I can give a good appearance most of the time, overall, I have been out of my mind and almost completely numb. I’ve been repressing my fear, doubts, pains, my very existence. I was beyond hopeless in my mind.

 

I finally feel human again. Just by letting go emotionally I came out of hiding. Vicariously living in this TV show I actually woke up from my fog. Memories, feelings and motivation are surging through me now. I feel like I have a chance at life again.

 

I’m going to go finish watching Buffy save the world again and get another recharge. Ha.


“I Think I Get More Enthusiasm From My House Plants . . .ha”

June 30, 2010

“I think I get more enthusiasm from my house plants…ha” she wrote me in an email.

She ended it with that. She basically told me flake or no flake that she feels like she’s wasting her time on me. It wasn’t worth much more effort on her part because I don’t seem interested in it at all. I was. I am. I’m just a flake. No. There’s more to it than that. That word is a cop out.

I just don’t seem to be real enthused about meeting new people even though I make the effort. I keep starting new relationships and then fade out or put it off. Whether it’s dating or hanging out with close friends I just put things off or don’t follow through on getting together, returning phone calls or emails. It doesn’t seem to matter whether it’s a guy, girl or in between. Ha. I guess it’s not a good time for me.

I can make excuses like I’m self-absorbed and into my writing and other creative projects. I’m depressed. I’m bipolar. I’m an Alcoholic. I’m a drug addict. The anniversary of my father’s death recently passed. I’m unemployed. These facts are all true but they are just excuses. I deal with these issues daily. Generally speaking I am happy for the most part. I just can’t seem to take interest in socializing outside of my comfy little internet realm or at 12 step meetings.

I have to go to the meetings to help maintain my sobriety, spiritual level and help others. I get to socialize as a bonus. I have to socialize there. When I was working it was also a forced socialization with my co-workers that I liked dearly and the customers I could take or leave.

Sometimes I leave social situations in a bad mood, sad or depressed for some reason. Even though I receive the validation I used to crave, I don’t really care about it anymore. Like I’ve written before I don’t know what’s happened to me in the past few years but I am a different person. I’m ok with it overall but it’s so noticeable that it concerns me sometimes. Isn’t life supposed to be a mix of inner reflection and socialization? Are we not as humans born social creatures?

Maybe it’s the internet that’s changed me. I can have all sorts of relationships and socialization without leaving the comforts of my living space, my mind and my feelings. I don’t have to face people when I’m down or too happy. I can be whoever I want to be on a social networking site. I end up being me anyway. I can be self centered and write about me and promote my projects without interruptions. I don’t have to listen to other people talk about their trips or interests. Don’t get em wrong, more than half the time I am interested in listening to other people once I’m in a social situation. Other people can be interesting but sometimes I just don’t feel like it. I also leave the situation feeling down for no reason.

The past ten to fifteen years I have been dealing with people in my life that are as flaky if not flakier than me. They cant commit to anything. They don’t show or cancel all of the time. They do the same exact things that I’ve been doing and it used to drive me nuts. I learned ot accept that few people do what they say they are going to do or won’t say because they know they won’t follow through. Now I’m one of them. My motto used to be “a commitment means –come hell or high water I will be there”. Now it seems to be this wishy washy decision that I put off to the last minute. I usually back out.

I don’t know if this has to change or not. I was forcing myself out socially at least once a week to try and be a social human being again. After a few months I stopped. I go out when I have to and once in a while if I feel like it. I return emails when I feel like it. I pay bills just on time at the last minute. I do chores at the last minute when I have to. Like I’ve said repeatedly I’m not sure if it’s a good thing or a bad thing. It’s working for me so far so I shouldn’t really worry about it. I just don’t want to lose friends and become a total recluse. I might enjoy it for a while but I don’t want to be alone for the rest of my life.

I’m going to try and be more social and bring more enthusiasm than a house plant to the table. I love life and I love people so something has to change. Meanwhile I plan on staying home all day writing and such an go out later to a meeting.


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