Dream Girl Returns as a Lover (Guardian Angel?)

I felt her tongue in my mouth and I was the happiest man on earth. To kiss her was a dream come true. My Guardian Angel kissed me.

It started on some sort of shopping spree and she was taking me to different places buying me things and holding my hand and I was confused because she wasn’t in her guardian angle form. Not that she ever is. I call her my guardian angel because she has lead me away from negative situations and helped me out in previous dreams. She is based on a real girl I know in her mid-late 20s that I rarely talk to and see online once in a while. I named her Carmella the first time I wrote about her in a blog titled Dream Girl is my Guardian Angel but her name is Bailey. She won’t read this and if so . . . well I’ll deal with or not then.

So Bailey is taking me to familiar and unfamiliar places and we are happy. I felt the way I used to feel when I was on vacations with previous girlfriends during the courting or just past the courting stage. In the back of my head I was confused. First of all, she has a boyfriend and it seems they’ve been together since high school.  She would rarely give me the time of day in real life. Not to say she was or is a snob. She just never had a reason to talk to me. I’ve admired her from afar. I also didn’t know where were in the dream. It felt like Philadelphia and New York with a touch of San Francisco. Maybe my writing about hanging out with a few girls in San Francisco in my next novel is rubbing off into my dreams.

We ended up kissing on the sidewalk wherever we were. Heavy making out. I felt her tongue hit my tonsils and loved it. I haven’t had a kiss like that in almost 2 years. We hugged and then hurried to our hotel room. In the dream I went with it as if I knew there was a room. I settled in the room and saw her take her clothes off and she came to me again and kissed me wearing her white bra and panties. I was still in shock and thrilled to realize it was a dream. It was more real than being awake. She was dressed again. And I followed her outside to the sidewalk. Her boyfriend was there and she looked at me in a way I knew she was going to give him another goodbye talk. Then she took him into my room at a new house and we were no longer at the hotel.

I let them have their time. I was overall confident that Bailey was mine but still was anxious for him to leave. It reminded me of when I dated a married woman that was separated and the 3 of us hung out. I walked into the living room and it was a combination of a few houses I’ve lived and my aunt and uncle’s house in Michigan. My grandmother was alive and there with aunts and uncles and cousins. My blood relatives and my adopted relatives were all there. I was so distracted by having my fantasy girl, my dream girl after going so long without love I had trouble enjoying my family. Everyone was talking to me. Someone said that I was going to miss my flight home. I thought I was home and Bailey and her boyfriend were in her my bedroom. I felt love in the room but I wanted the love in the bedroom, forgetting Bailey has appeared as my guardian angel in the past.

I thought of her kiss, closed my eyes and smiled. I woke up and it was only 11 pm. I felt happy for some reason even though I never resolved anything in the lucid dream. It will come to me. It always does.

Also read my poem called Guardian Angel Protection

No internet? “No Money”?

So, my internet is down at home. Ugh. Great timing when I’m starting up a new web site, maintaining current sites and selling my art etc has been over 25% of my monthly income. I’ll be doing what I can once a day if I’m not too sick to get to a coffee shop or something to check in.

I’ll sum up my life right now.

I am completely broke. Can’t pay the rent. Obviously can’t pay the cable. Can’t pay car insurance. Can’t pay phone bill. Etc etc etc.

I’ve been in and out of a deep depression some days I cant move when the face pain is added. I have 2 doctor appointments this week with a psychiatrist and a neurologist for social security. All of the hoops and the time it takes or this disability shit is causing me more stress, depression, anxiety, and face pain than a job. Just when I think it’s over and they made a decision I get another letter that I have to jump through another hoop. I have never been this broke in my entire life. I’m almost ready to crack from the pain of the SSD process.

I hope I’ll be posting soon. I hope you keep reading the decline of the bipolar disabled self absorbed artist named Rich Hillen Jr

Another Rant About Unreturned Messages

Common courtesy. General politeness. Manners. Proper protocol.

 

When someone you know calls you, text messages you, emails you, or messages you on a social network it is usually expected for you to return the call, text, email etc. It’s the courteous, polite, and maybe even the right thing to do. This of course is a high expectation and depends on the people involved and what’s said in the message (I’ll refer to all forms of communication where you are not in person as a message).

 

I have been personally insulted, hurt and paranoid over some unreturned messages over the past few years. Most of the time I react negatively for nothing. Sometimes I hold grudges or fear of them not liking me.

 

I’m mostly talking about people I know or people I am beginning a relationship with. Not a romantic relationship. I’m referring to new friendships, networking or business relationships. Most of the time I write it off with some people as “that’s just the way they are.” I try to accept it but lately it bugs me.

 

I’ve learned that there are certain types of messages that don’t require a return. Sometimes they can go back and forth for a while and the stop. If I send an email either requesting something or asking a question I expect an answer. Maybe not immediately. I don’t know the official protocol for how long to give a person to return a message but I mostly get aggravated if goes more than three days. If they don’t respond for weeks or months I just move them down the list of a priority friend.

 

If I send a friendly “just wanted to say hi” type of message that requires no return message. I leave it open ended. If I am promoting something and just want to get the information out there to a person I don’t expect a response. One people that I am really close to that I know I will talk to eventually in a day of 3 it doesn’t matter. I just sent a message to my friend yesterday asking him about helping me with something in a future project. I don’t care that he didn’t get back to me yet.

 

If I message someone I don’t know especially women I don’t expect an answer at all. They don’t know me so there is not obligation even though it would be polite. The women I am sure get flooded with many messages from men and probably get tired of it. They are especially forgiven.

 

I was shocked when I was sending mass messages to promote novaboon.com when I did get a message back and even more shocked when they thanked me.

 

There is such a fine line when it comes to my reactions to unreturned messages. I’m sure you can relate. It’s the ones that I anticipate the answer to a question that bugs me. There are a lot of them.

 

I was dating a girl for almost a month and she was the worst at returning messages. I understand that I have always set my life up so I have more free time than most. She was also at the end of Medical school and at the biggest turning point of her life. Still it was no excuse to blow off my messages when all she had to do was take 30 seconds to text me that she is busy and will get back to me another time. The insecure obsessive that I am it drove me nuts. If we didn’t have such great dates and connection I would have dropped her. Maybe I should have because it ended anyway when she moved to do a residency.

 

Then there are a few girls in my life that get back to me when we work on project. Then I asked them out (at different times) and I totally expected them to blow me off.  To my surprise they answered right away. They all rejected me but got back to me immediately. I gained total respect for them for that. Then they don’t return my messages when I it’s regular talk or conversations most of the time. We even make plans sometimes and never follow through.

 

Now there’s a glitch in my complaints about people not returning my messages. I do it too. I mean I don’t do it also. For the most part I have a 95 % return rate. I have a memory problem sometimes and forget to return phone calls and text messages. If I don’t return a message on the internet within a day it gets buried and I forget. I try to get back to everyone within a day.

 

The one thing I’m not sure about is the proper time limit in returning “pokes” on facebook. If you don’t know what they are then good for you. Personally I don’t care if someone doesn’t poke me back or when or whatever. I still do it for fun (I guess it’s fun).

 

I was raised to call people back. I was raised to follow through on things. Although I don’t always live up to it I try. There’s 2 phone calls I got tonight I actually have to return come to think about it.

Life is Changing and Changing

Life is changing and changing. I heard that if your not changing and growing then you are dying. If you are a creative person and you are not creating then you are dying. The past few months have been different to say the least. The past few years have been unusually different to say the most. Some days I’m so focused on  my goals and dreams and other days I’m off the races in my mind and can’t function. I don’t know f I am growing but I am changing.

It seems like I keep waking up and everything that has happened in my life was a dream. Good dream and bad dream. One day I’m living in an apartment I can’t afford even though I had a job and I was whacked out on pain meds, psych meds and life in general the next day I’m clean and sober with less Psych meds living with my parents helping my sick father who eventually died. Then I’m in house with my mother and I lose my job but I have money in the bank and a little unemployment coming my way so it was comfortable.

I published not just one novel but three books within a moth. I felt great creatively and spiritually. I believe those are connected. Life is rolling along one day at a time. Then the pressure starts hitting me to think about a career. A job. Something. My mother and my friends think it’s time I go to work. I secretly disagreed.

What I thought was an epiphany turned out to be a fantasy and an unrealistic reality. I thought that I wanted ot get into Drug and Alcohol counseling. I talked to some people and researched half assedly. I found out I needed two years of recovery to get into the particular places I was looking for. I used it as an excuse not ot look for anything else.

I woke up one day and I am suddenly renting a house from a friend and out of my mom’s house. I still have no job and my savings are dwindling. No muney and more bills. I have a house mate. We started a business venture that may or may not pay off but we at least started it.

I went form no job plenty of money living with mom creating every day to sharing a house with a friend and business partner with no job and no money and less motivation to write and create. My energies are in the business. No income is expected for a while but I refuse to work. Sure I do a little part time work for an uncle but nothing serious.

My anxiety levels and agoraphobia keep me house ridden for days sometimes. I hate socializing. What happened to “good time Charlie” as an old friend once called me?

It seems I went from mr social guy to hermit overnight. It did take years. Some say it’s part of me growing up. Some say it’s my mental problems. Some say “get a job, ya bum”. Some say nothing at all. What can they say?

It’s not easy being human. I was going ot say me but I know everyone has problems. They just don’t wear them on their sleeves or like merit badges on their chest like I do sometimes.

I never thought that I’d be at a place in my life where I refused to look for a job. I’m not sure if it’s stubbornness, fear, my determination to succeed in other areas, or my mental illness and anxiety.

I went from having a job and lots of money living with my mother to no job, no money, paying rent etc. I keep waking up everyday in a different state of mind with a different focus and different awareness. I wonder who am I? Where am I going? What am I doing? Then I run away and hide in other thoughts that either thrill me or upset me fro the day.

The only thing I know is that tomorrow is another day. I never know what is around the corner and if I at least try at life I will feel a live. I hope. I always have hope.

FBI Sent Me an Email Today. What Do You Think?

FBI Alert Notification…………………Respond ASAP

Tuesday, November 9, 2010 10:26 PM

From: “Federal Bureau of Investigation” <R.mueller@fbi.gov>

Anti-Terrorist And Monetory Crimes Division
FBI Headquarters In Washington, D.C.
Federal Bureau Of Investigation
J. Edgar Hoover Building
Washington, DC USA

Attn: Beneficiary,

This is to Officially inform you that it has come to our notice and we have thoroughly completed an Investigation with the help of our Intelligence Monitoring Network System that you legally won the sum of $800,000.00 USD from a Lottery Company outside the United States of America. During our investigation we discovered that your e-mail address won the money from an Online Balloting System and we have authorized this winning to be paid to you via a Certified Cashier’s Check.

Normally, it will take up to 10 business days for an International Check to be cashed by your local bank. We have successfully notified this company on your behalf that funds are to be drawn from a registered bank within the United States Of America so as to enable you cash the check instantly without any delay, henceforth the stated amount of $800,000.00 USD has been deposited with Bank Of America.

We have completed this investigation and you are hereby approved to receive the winning prize as we have verified the entire transaction to be Safe and 100% risk free, due to the fact that the funds have been deposited at Bank Of America you will be required to settle the following bills directly to the Lottery Agent in-charge of this transaction whom is located in Lagos, Nigeria. According to our discoveries, you were required to pay for the following –

(1) Deposit Fee’s ( Fee’s paid by the company for the deposit into an American Bank which is – Bank Of America )
(2) Cashier’s Check Conversion Fee ( Fee for converting the Wire Transfer payment into a Certified Cashier’s Check )
(3) Shipping Fee’s ( This is the charge for shipping the Cashier’s Check to your home address )

The total amount for everything is $200.00 (Two Hundred-US Dollars). We have tried our possible best to indicate that this $200.00 should be deducted from your winning prize but we found out that the funds have already been deposited at Bank Of America and cannot be accessed by anyone apart from you the winner, therefore you will be required to pay the required fee’s to the Agent in-charge of this transaction via Western Union Money Transfer Or Money Gram.

In order to proceed with this transaction, you will be required to contact the agent in-charge ( MR.CHRISTOPHER WILLIAMS ) via e-mail. Kindly look below to find appropriate contact information:

CONTACT AGENT NAME: MR. CHRISTOPHER WILLIAMS

E-MAIL ADDRESS: chris.wiilliams@sify.com

You will be required to e-mail him with the following information:

FULL NAME:
ADDRESS:
CITY:
STATE:
ZIP CODE:
DIRECT PHONE NUMBER:
CURRENT OCCUPATION:
MONTHLY INCOME:

You will also be required to request Western Union or Money Gram details on how to send the required $200.00 in order to immediately ship your prize of $800,000.00 USD via Certified Cashier’s Check drawn from Bank Of America, also include the following transaction code in order for him to immediately identify this transaction.

This letter will serve as proof that the Federal Bureau Of Investigation is authorizing you to pay the required $200.00 ONLY to Mr. CHRISTOPHER WILLIAMS via information in which he shall send to you, if you do not receive your winning prize of $800,000.00 we shall be held responsible for the loss and this shall invite a penalty of $3,000 which will be made PAYABLE ONLY to you (The Winner).

NOTE: In order to ensure your check gets delivered to you ASAP, you are advised to immediately contact Mr. CHRISTOPHER WILLIAMS via contact information provided above and make the required payment of $200.00 to information in which he shall provide to you.

What’s weird is the email this was sent from says fbi.gov so I looked it up and it looks like their official web site. Hmmmm

Do You Love Me? Really Love Me?

Do you ever wonder what your “image” is t other people? I do. Do you ever wonder how they perceive you? I do. I’ve spent a good part of my life figuring out how to get people to like me or love me. It worked. They at least appeared to like me. Not always n the ways I wanted them to. I hit a point a while ago where I stopped caring. Not entirely, but enough to focus on my dreams and loves.

People tend to have an image of themselves that they present and another side to them that they don’t present to others. They way they talk about themselves and dress and walk and even look at you is one side but is it really who they are and how they feel about themselves? It is really easy these days to create an image of yourself with the internet using social networking sites, webs sites and blogging sites. You can take your time in choosing what photographs you want to present, what you say, and who you associate with. So, I wonder sometimes what my image is to others: people that know me personally and people that only see what I present on the internet.

I’ve tried to maintain a high level of honesty when writing or speaking with others while still trying to get them to like me. Now I just try and be true to myself and honest when I write. Sometimes I censor myself so I don’t offend anyone but most of the time I let people see the real Rich and what’s really going on.

I’m not ashamed of my defects of character, my emotional problems, my sexuality, my spirituality or even the way I look. Of course I get down on myself sometimes and feel good about myself other times. That’s human. Don’t you do the same thing?

I’ve done some weird, strange, perverted and even self-destructive things in the past and I am not ashamed. Maybe I get embarrassed sometimes about my actions or thoughts but never ashamed. I’ve come to grips that I am what am. Still there’s a lingering curiosity as to what you think about me, honestly.

What do you think of me? What is my “image” to you? Do you love me? Really love me? I love you.