Excerpt from My First Novel Yellow Socks Confessions of a Non Don Juan

June 4, 2012

An Excerpt from my 2010 novel Yellow Socks- Confessions of a Non Don Juan

 

Skeleton Woman or Things Like Me Don’t Happen To You

 

Christ it happened again. Another notch in my “girls that want to be my friend” belt. It made sense. We were perfect friends and she was real cute too. I kept thinking that I was ok with it. I’d be happy just being a friend again. I keep turning to God for strength to accept my fate as “Friend to all women” that I’m attracted to. My acceptance level seems to be ok. I go to my happy place. I go to my cave. I say the serenity prayer over and over I am sure that I will be ok with this. Yes I will. (no I won’t)

 

Cut to a scene from Fight Club

 

TYLER

Stop it! This is your pain — this is your burning hand. It’s right here! Look at it.

 

JACK

I’m going to my cave. I’m going to my cave to find my power animal!

 

TYLER

No, don’t deal with this the way those dead people do. Come on

!

JACK

I get the point, ok, please!

 

TYLER

No, what you’re feeling is premature enlightenment.

 

Ok. I get the idea. Feel the pain. Feel the hurt. Feel the rejection saturating my heart until I bleed more than just these words all over the place and finger my open sore of a brain as it wants to dwell on her over and over again. Screaming and roaring her name with anger and grief and sometimes a slight relief that it’s done and I know that she will not reject me again unless I go back for more and more or less or a little bite of her cheeseburger and a sip of her Pepsi to tide me over until the next one comes along with better food and spirits for my, for me for. Four scores of seven years itch as I scratch the weathered tired out mongrel of an ego that was left stray years ago in a pound for wayward hearts and letches that can only love and never be loved.

 

The pain of being a friend. A friend. I’ve heard that “Let’s just be friends” millions of times in my life as I gargle a new mouthwash and toothpaste hoping my breath will be the answer to my problem. My problem is as follows: me, myself and I. We altogether are the problem. We want to be loved so bad that we give off the vibe that scares the shit out of women so they just want to be friends. Friends. Friends. I think to myself that will be fine. Friends is ok. It’ll do. I can accept that. Bullshit! Feel the pain I tell myself. Embrace it. the pain is your friend. To hurt is to be alive. I’ve never been so alive. I’m alive. So alive.

 

“Did you ever hear about the skeleton woman?” Morton asked.

 

“Was that a Glam rock band from the seventies?” I ask.

 

“Ha. Ha. Nah. It’s an ancient Indian story. This guy was fishing in the middle of a lake. He was totally into it. He was relaxed. Not a care in the world except catching the next fish. All of a sudden he feels a tug on his line and he yanks it up. A skeleton appears on his line. He doesn’t realize that it’s attached to his line and he gets scared. He starts paddling his boat away from it but it follows him. He still doesn’t realize that it’s attached to his line. He gets out of his boat and runs into the village and he is carrying his fishing rod and the skeleton is still right behind him. He jumps into his Tee Pee and it follows him in. He lies down and tries to hide not looking at it for a while. When he finally turns to look at the skeleton it has changed into the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. She is his. The moral of the story is that he was minding his own business doing something he enjoyed and that’s when the right woman came along. In other words when you are not looking for love is when it will find you. ”

 

“I know that but it’s so fucking hard to stay focused on other things without thinking about how much I want to be loved. Fall in love. Ya know?” I responded.

 

“I know. I know.” Morton said.

 

“We’re a generation of men raised by women. I’m wondering if another woman is really the answer we need.” Tyler Durden

 

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“Dumb Bitches Who Eat Diarrhea Out of the Gutter “

December 23, 2010

Racism sucks. It’s stupid and even silly. I’ve had my moments of prejudice or judgment but I can’t hate a group for people based on their color or religion. I make a lot of jokes about races, religions etc. Stereotypes. I even make them to the people who fall into the categories. Years ago I worked with a black friend and we were always slinging racist words at each other. Mostly in front of people for shock value. Then we’d go get high after work and hang out. I joke with my Japanese friend. I dated an Indian girl not too long ago and I even made jokes with her. When I make a joke about race or religion I don’t mean it and I usually do it with people that understand that. I just think it’s funny. I don’t believe in it.

 

In June 2010 I posted a video tributing the beauty of Indian women that I happen to find attractive. I find all races attractive and love women for who they are. I used a classic Indian Pop song from 1965 from a movie called Gumnaam called  Jaan Pehechaan Ho by Mohammed Rafi. Great song by the way. Anyway I loved the song and the images and it was an immediate hit. Of course none of my original music or spoken word goes over this well. I had near 1,800 hits by July then my first comment.

 

It said:

“There are no hot women in india. They are all disgusting, stinky, ugly, dumb bitches who eat diarrhea out of the gutter because they have no money.”

 

I responded:

“This video has been up for almost a month and over 1,800 views and this is the only comment I get. Oh brother.”

 

A few months went by and I somehow missed the following comment from someone else.

 

It said:

“go and take a shower u fucken indian bitch !!! the smell of curry is coming out from my screen..”

 

Then 2 days ago I was happy that I got another comment. Then I read it.

 

It said:

“what else u expected when you uploated pics of south Indian witches”

 

I responded:

“31,149 views since June and counting. You helped the count. Thanks.”

 

It’s up to 31, 916 views as of right now. In 2 days over 800 views. Weird. I have this up since June 2010 and I have that many views and I get 3 comments and they are all racist. Geesh.

 

I’ll probably make more of all nationalities and piss off people by loving everyone. Does it make me a hater if I hate those who hate?

 


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