Yaatjiyleeih Owjladnhab

January 19, 2011


I Don’t Love You

January 9, 2011

All you need is love. Love is all you need. I wonder about that. No I don’t. I’m not a cynic. It happens. It has happened. It may happen again. I’m talking about romantic love and relationship love. There’s plenty of love amongst my friends and family. Not in the dating. romantic, or relationship department for me in a long time. I almost had it last year but nope. It didn’t happen.

 

I just read a blog written by an optimistic 21-year-old girl talking about her perspective of love. Her boyfriend’s 40-year-old friend says he is too old for love. “Too old for love” I read and re-read. I wonder if that’s what’s happened to me? Is that what I believe? Of course the young girl doesn’t believe it to be true. She believes in love. True love. Love at first sight. Love is forever. Love is all you need. I believed in it too when I was her age and most of my life.

 

I believed it every time I fell in love, lusted, had an obsession or infatuation. Time and time again I would feel that this woman was the one for me. I guess for the time we had together she was the one for me. After going through this over and over again it makes me question what the point is of trying again. Is there one for me? “The one?” Maybe I had several “ones” already and I missed out. Maybe it’s out there. I don’t know. I’m slowly reaching a point where I don’t care. I’m pretty sure that I am there.

 

I look at it like this: I’ve had many girlfriends, relationships affairs and even a marriage. I’ve loved more than most people I know. I’ve also been rejected more than anyone I know. That’s life. If I never have mutual love with a woman again I won’t die. It won’t kill me. Nobody has ever died from lack of love. Maybe if they dwelled on it and gave up on living but physically they haven’t died. You get my point.

 

Maybe, I’m finished with love. Maybe I’ve had my share and it’s time to move on and worry about me. Maybe I should worry about my mental, spiritual, creative and physical health. I’d like to say I don’t give it any thought. Of course I do. I’m just not obsessed with it like I used to be. I’m just not interested right now. I have a lot of things to do and it’s not on the top of my priority list right now.

 

I’ve changed a lot the past 2 years and I’m sure I’ll be changing again. I am finally comfortable with who I am right now. It was slow acceptance but I feel like I am alive despite my new found anti-socialism. I enjoy being alone most of the time. When I don’t enjoy being alone then I go out. Sure, I have anxiety problems among other mental and physical ailments to deal with. I deal with them on a daily basis and move on. I know love won’t help me anyway. If I don’t take care of myself first then I am in no position to love anyway.

 

Who knows I might write about a girl I like or am attracted to next week or even tomorrow but for now love isn’t for me. I’m not for love.

 

I don’t know if I’m too old for love or maybe love is too old for me.


The Right Sex?

July 27, 2010

“I don’t think I’m the right sex for anyone right now.” I said.

My friends laughed. It was a joke, right? Hmmm. Was it?

I was talking to two guys I know the other day. Guy talk. Don’t get all upset ladies. You do it too except you call it “girl talk”. It was a “she’s cute, she’s hot, etc.” the one guy said “You’re not the right sex for her?” implying that the woman we were talking about is gay. I just answered with what I was thinking. “I don’t think I’m the right sex for anyone right now.”

It’s an unwritten contract I have with women right now. I don’t get involved or interested in them and they don’t get interested in me. It’s a mutual agreement that seems to be working against my secret desires, my inner attractions, and basic needs.  For now it’s working. Right ladies? What was that? I didn’t quite hear you. I can’t be wrong can I? Ok so maybe I secretly or not so secretly have a crush or a desire or something. So what? What are you going to do about, huh? Not sure? Me either. Ok.

So let’s move on. I’m focused on my isolated world of creativity right now. Right? I think I am. I tell myself I am. I am working at working at it. I’m writing now, right? There’s a good start. Thank you. I have a book that’s almost published. Maybe some self-esteem will come from that. Will it? I did publish a book that collected my poems, stories, blogs and journals from 2004-2008. That was a good start. I do have self-esteem. Don’t I? Of course I do. So shut up. I was talking to me not you. You haven’t said a word yet. Or was I too busy talking to hear you?

Who am I trying to impress? Me or you? Are you impressed? I’m proud when I’m not worried about what you think. That’s more than not. Isn’t it? Say something will you? Validate me a little bit please. No. Never mind. I feel better now. I am happy with my progress and station in life at this moment. This moment too. I’m going to be ok. I am ok. You’re ok. Are you ok? I’ve been thinking about you in between my long-term self-absorption. You are there. Don’t worry. You’re not worried are you? You are? You’re not? Hmm. Interesting. I can’t tell the difference anymore. What is the difference? I’m stumped once again. Here we go again. No we don’t. I do. You?

Maybe I’ll figure it out and tell you about it. Maybe you won’t be there to hear me but I’ll say it anyway. Whatever it is. You can be damned sure that I will say it. I think I just said it, didn’t I? Were you listening?


Flake

June 24, 2010

I am a flake. I am everything I hate in other people. I don’t know when or why it changed but I am anti-social yet I don’t mind being alone. I’m productive when I’m by myself. Most social gatherings bore me lately. Hanging out with friends seems to be a tiring effort. I have trouble committing to things that aren’t either work related or 12 step related. Although I do talk to people on the phone and at meetings I have no desire to go further most of the time. Even dating has become an effort even if I really like someone.

You are a flake. I’ve always hated people that couldn’t commit to things. Some people it’s an attitude of “something better might come up”. Some of my friends are social misfits and feel uncomfortable socializing and don’t want to do anything. Some are too busy with their lives whether it’s their family, work, sports, or their hobbies to socialize. I threw a party an there were so many people that said “maybe” they’ll attend or “probably” they’ll attend and “Yes. I’ll be there” and didn’t show up.

We’re all flakes. It didn’t bother me because I knew deep inside I am the same way. There are events that I really want to attend and people I really want to see but I change my mind, do something else or I do nothing at all but stay home and write. I haven’t followed through on many social plans even I am the one to initiate it.

I’ve even turned down dozens of shows this past year because I don’t want to do them. I don’t feel like going through the routine of getting there and waiting for my turn and play for fifteen minutes and then wait around semi-socializing thinking about what I could be doing at home.

When it comes to my 12 step meetings I am committed. When I was working I was committed. When I am home writing I am committed.

I ran this by my Mother the other day and she said that I’m more confident in who I am and I don’t need other people’s approval anymore. My entire life I sought people’s approval and wanted everyone to like me and that’s all changed except with my creative endeavors. I told my Mother that I still seek approval of my art, writing and music. That’s different. I want people to appreciate what I’ve done as I appreciate other artists. That’s why I titled my fan group on facebook “Fans of Rich Hillen Jr the artist, writer and performer, Not the Man himself” All I really care about these days is creating and having people see my creations. Even though I create for me first I need feedback to complete the process of being an artist.

Maybe I’m not a flake. I just play one on TV.


Women & Me

June 14, 2010

I’d rather be rejected than not know or be avoided entirely. I don’t even look at like a rejection anymore. It’s more like a “I’m not interested in you in that way” kind of thing. I’ve been in and am on the other side of that a lot and I wish I had the guts to be upfront. How do you tell someone you are not interested? That’s why I ask directly if I can’t tell. I should go with my gut. If I’m not sure and I can’t tell then 99.9 % of the time she isn’t interested in me. Otherwise it can become an unnecessary distracting obsession. Not the specific girl. It’s the question of whether she likes me that can consume me.

I’m too old and in too good of a place in my head lately to waste time obsessing over girls and playing games. Girls. Ha. I mean women. Even though I don’t have a “career” oriented job, hell, I have no job right now, and I don’t have a lot of money I am pretty confidant in who I am on most days. I’m an artist first and foremost and that’s given me problems in the past and it’s also given me great pleasure and self esteem. I am constantly involved in some kind of creative project and it keeps me confident in who and what I am.

So as far as dating goes, I’ve been taking it with a grain of salt. I talk to women that I’m interested in and sometimes vice versa. It either works or it doesn’t and I move on. Hopefully, I make a new friend or in some cases maintain a friendship I already had. This doesn’t hold true all of the time. Sometimes in moments of weakness I may obsess a little here and there but who doesn’t, right? Overall I’m at least trying to enjoy people for who they are and move on from there. It’s been fun and I’ve been growing as a person and an artist.


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