People Come and People Go: The Next Generation

July 31, 2011

“Hey man.”

“Hey brother man.”

“Duuuude”

“Yo Rich.”

“Word.”

“(insert any other greeting of friends of mine past and present)”

I was watching Star Trek: The Next Generation the other night. The story was focused on Data, the android who longs to be human or experience the full range of human emotion. He finds out that he somehow dies in the past. Storyline aside, Data was happy that he what an expiration date and didn’t know when. It made him mortal like a human. Someone said to him that it must be tough to make friends and get to know them then they die and he has to do it again. Lacking human emotion, he simple said “then I will make more friends until they go.” It got me thinking. It reflected my life.

I have had so many friends, girlfriends and even families through the years. They come and they go. Some people I keep in touch with do years and then let go. Some friends I never see or talk to again. Best friends forever isn’t a term that applies to my life. I’ve had some of the closest friends a guy could have. I’ve had the worst ones too. It applies to families and girlfriends too. I could go on about the specifics etc but it doesn’t matter. It’s the way things turned out.  I have people in my life and they probably won’t all last and it’s ok. It’s my life.

I have a spiritual life but even that hasn’t been the same through the years. It didn’t exist in my life for years. Even Gods can come and go I guess. I’m still here.

I see some people who aren’t like me. They have the same friends from high school. They have the same family that gave birth to them. They have the same girlfriend or wife and children. That’s not me. Not sure I want that or even care. These were just some thoughts.


Epiphany Shmiphany

June 20, 2011

 

I’ve been waiting to sit down and write about an “epiphany” I had a little over a week ago. Epiphany. For such a soft word that is almost pretty as it rolls through my mouth it is a powerful word. I’ve had these changes in attitude and  realizations ( a harsher sounding word that’s way less powerful). I was basically going to tell you about the “epiphany” that I have told you about and have experiences over and over. I guess I should mention it briefly then move on, huh?

 

I was watching a documentary about Hubert Selby Jr, author of classic novels like Last Exit to Brooklyn and Requiem for a Dream that were made into fantastic movies, about a week and a half ago. Learning about the struggles of the life of an artist is just rehashing what I already knew. An artist is born that way. Born to struggle through life so he can create art. That is his purpose and contribution to life. In a world of money oriented and materialistic people, we the artists, are giving instead of taking. As soon as we share our creations with at least one other person our art is art.

 

Ok, I’m not going to go on on and on about my purpose in life and your role in it. Basically I was just reminded of what I need to remember and keep forgetting. The struggle is the burden and consistency and I have to comment, react and create from it then give t away.

 

“I am an American artist I have no shame.” Patti Smith

 

The past few weeks have been terrifying, incredible, amusing, and on and off weird.

 

I’ll start with right now. At this moment I am sitting inside a coffee shop in Collingswood, NJ. I just finished talking to a friend I’ve hung out with only a few times but when we see each other there is this bond we have and we end up in deep conversations about art, music, addiction and sometimes the meaning of life itself. Ha. He’s in a similar situation as me and we always get along.

 

I went to the welfare office at 7 am this morning and spent over 2 hours trying to get some kind of assistance. I followed it up with a visit to unemployment to waste another hour or 2. It wasn’t a complete waste. My unemployment is back on. I just had to fight for the weeks they held back. This is fantastic news after waiting almost a month without the money and bills are adding up.

 

When you’re broke. Really broke. You start thinking about every coffee, donut, dinner out, pizza delivered, soda, etc and you over analyze what you wasted money in the past while still spending the same money on the same things. Oh yeah, the air conditioning is killing my roommate and me. Both he and my landlord suggested I turn it off and leave the house each day and hang at a coffee shop or somewhere with internet connections. These days that’s pretty much every coffee shop and eve restaurants and bars.

 

I went home after the unemployment office. It was about noon. 5 hours spent on trying to get help and it was semi successful. I still had the entire day ahead of me. I still do. I rubbed one off watching Judge Pierno or whatever her name is to relax. Not long after I got a phone call from the lady I spoke with at the unemployment office to tell me that all of the past money owed to me will come through. I was more floored by the fact that the woman called me back as soon as she found out than I was about the money. That was just really nice. I was ready to get out again and head to the pharmacy and then relax at the coffee shop. I am relaxed despite the caffeine.

 

I just ran into a girl I knew from a group I used to attend. Young, beautiful and great body and she is a fellow writer. A talented writer. I had such a crush on her a while back. I had so many fantasies about her in the past few years. I haven’t seen her since this past winter when I fist grew my beard and hair long and she called me a Wooly Mammoth and I was embarrassed and I was already anxious borderline agoraphobic. Weird. It was just a cute little name-calling and borderline flirtation that helped speed up my already progressing reclusiveness.

 

Irony. Now that I am leaving the house I run into the girl that I not only had a crush on but made me not want to go out anymore. I have to admit when I first laid eyes on her I got a little anxious and I pretended not to see her. I wanted to hide and jump up and call her name. I didn’t. I went back to writing what you just read. What I just wrote. I felt comfortable when she approached me on her way out. She was actually working, looking for a story to cover for one of the publications she writes for.

 

We talked a little bit about writing and how good it was to see each other then she left and here I am. This is the message of my writing today. Random events that mean nothing and mean everything to me.

 

When I got here I randomly started talking to a guy I never met before about misery versus happiness. I happen to be learning and relearning that life is a struggle and it’s what you put into it. This is before I met the others here today.

 

Last week I went to Philly to sell my cds to a shop where I’ve known the owner for a while. We had a great talk and he gave me a great price and I left a happy man. I wandered to a coffee shop I’d never been to greeted by 3  barista angels that worked the registers and coffee machines. People talked to me and greeted me like I was someone. I grabbed my drink and tipped then sat right outside so I could smoke. Huh… I haven’t had a cigarette yet since I entered the coffee shop. Usually I jump right out side and smoke. If I did that I wouldn’t have run into my friends. Shit. Now I want a cigarette. . .  .

 

*Dramatic pause for Rich Hillen Jr’s cigarette break*

 

Great smoke break. I’m texting my friend maybe girlfriend that lives in New Orleans all about my day. She’s another story. We’ve been talking about moving in for a while but we can’t afford it yet. A long drive and she has a pooch.

 

Just 3 weeks ago (maybe 2 and a half weeks) I was so desperate and stressed about my financial condition and it’s slowly pulling itself together.

 

Once I had my “epiphany”, I felt better over all and knew things will work out if I make the effort and try not to feel or come off desperate. I was ready.

 

My roommate told me about a music shop in Collingswood that would probably give me a good deal on my amp I’ve wanted to sell. I headed out one night to sell the amp and I ran out of gas within 4 blocks from the store. I laughed. My gas gage isn’t always working right and it says that there is less gas than is in there. I was on empty and was planning to get gas after I sold the amp.

 

This teenager appeared out of nowhere and started pushing my car. We couldn’t budge it for some reason. I was a foot from the corner street wedged on the curb. I called my close friend that lived in Collingswood and he was on the road going to a show and couldn’t help. I was pretty far from a gas station. I racked my brain finding someone in the area that could and would help me out.

 

I called my filmmaker friend who I’ve worked with on a few projects and he came through for me. I was still in a decent mood. I was also lucky enough to have had a gas container. So my friend picked me up, took me to the gas station and back to my car. It worked out because he wanted to talk to me about his upcoming projects. Just as we pulled up near my abandoned giant red beat-up 1994 Lincoln Towncar there was a Mini-Cooper in front of it and my cell phone rang with an unrecognized number. I just said to my friend that it looks like my mom’s friend’s car and it was my mom on his cell phone. I laughed again. My mom and her friend were parked there checking to see if I was ok. I was. They left. It was starting to get windy and a storm was on the way. I gassed the car up, thanked my friend and drove off to get gas.

 

I debated going to the music shop because of the gas problem and the storm brewing. I went anyway. It was a great decision. There were 2 women sitting in there with a guy that worked there. I jumped right to business and didn’t even check out the ladies. I wanted money. I knew exactly how much I wanted for it and the guy looked at and tested it. He left to get the owner to look at it and appraise it. While he was gone I looked at one of the now noticeably pretty women and she said “Hi Rich.” I knew those eyes of hers. It’s been over 20 years but you don’t forget her eyes. I said hi and I was a little uncomfortable yet happy. Memories rushed through my head of all of the nights I hung out with her, her friend and my weirdo friend. Many drinks and many other things. I tripped on acid with this girl at the Philadelphia Museum of Art. She was at my college graduation party. One night we got really stoned and went back to her place to look at her art (she was an incredible artist). We had a most memorable passionate night that we agreed not to tell anyone about. I wonder if it made it special because it was a one-time deal. It doesn’t matter. Here she was face to face 20 years later and looked the same.

 

I knew she lived in the area for years and heard about her musician boyfriend/fiancé through a friend of mine. I did run into her once 10-12 years ago and it was a brief conversation because we both had somewhere to go. So you can probably guess who owned the music shop I was standing in hoping to make a buck from. It was the infamous boyfriend/fiancé or whatever. Then I talked to him about the people we had in common. We talked after he paid me righteously for the amp of course. I left feeling good.

 

Then came the storm as I was leaving. A physical storm followed that Sunday afternoon after “helping” out my uncle who is really my great aunt’s live in boyfriend clean offices. I pulled muscles in my arms and shoulders. This triggered my infamous Trigeminal Disorder. The pain was at its’ worst since I was first diagnosed with it in 2005. I was running out of pain meds and I couldn’t refill them for a week. I took migraine aspirin and sleep aids. I spent most of the next 3 days away to escape the explosions in my face. I was in extreme pain for 3 days then the recovery took a day or 2. I was finally back in the world and that’s when I sold my cds and hung out in Philly.

 

This past Saturday I did my usual “helping” out my uncle whose not my uncle. Afterward, I met up with my adopted mother, the one that raised me, to have lunch in honor of my adopted father whose 2nd year death anniversary that also fell on Father’s Day. We were supposed to meet up the next day but she changed her mind and we had a great dinner and conversation.

 

On my way out I ran into another friend I’ve known for years sitting on a bench and I voluntarily joined him. This is a big step for me to be social and I hung out with him for an hour in the hot sun drinking an iced coffee from Starbucks. I was in a good mood. I headed home and watched some movies and did a little writing.

 

Sunday was Father’s day and my adopted father’s death anniversary. It was an awkward day. Having 2 dads can be difficult. My focus was on the dead one who raised me and not my biological father who came back in my life as an adult and has been there for my for over 20 years now. I called him and text him. We decided we will celebrate when I can afford it. It ended nicely.

 

Shit. This was a random bit of writing that went on forever. If you’re still reading, God bless you and thank you for sharing my life as it’s still spinning in and out of Epiphanies, pain, poverty, good memories and hopes of tomorrow, meanwhile, living in the moment no mater how good or bad it gets.

 

Ride on.

 

Right on.

 

Write on.

 

 


Mom, Birthday, Mother’s Day & Love

May 9, 2011

I was going to post this yesterday on Mother’s day but I didn’t. Here’s a story about my car accident, mom’s birthday, and love.

A few weeks ago I was invited to my adopted mother’s birthday dinner celebration at a local semi-fancy restaurant. I drove up around 4:25 pm. I was 5 minutes early. The parking lot was empty and I pulled into the closest spot to the fenced in mini-outside dining area. I drive a huge car. It’s an old Lincoln Towncar. I’ve had it for over 3 years now and I still have trouble judging space. As I pulled in I heard a bang so I backed up and parked farther away from the fence surrounded by cement planters with plants and flowers in them.

I got out of my car mostly concerned if there was any damage to the fence. The fence looked ok but the planters were moved and there was a little red paint from my car on the cement. I moved the planter back in place and didn’t worry about it. I met up with my great aunt and uncle then my mom and we were at and had to wait for my mom’s friend and her mother who are always late.

Just as I settled down at the table the woman who greeted us came to the table and asked if I hit the fence outside. I admitted to it. Even if I didn’t have a conscience, I couldn’t deny it with the red paint on the concrete planter. I followed the woman (who turned out to be the owner) outside to the “scene” of the crime. She was quite upset as she pointed out the black painted metal fence was bent slightly and broken at the bottom where it meets the corner. I was full of guilt and apologized way too much. She was more upset about telling her husband (the co-owner) because there was an accident that broke another part of the fence recently. I told her I’d take care of it and give her my information. I went back to my seat and tried to get my mind off it since it’s my mom’s birthday and all.

Everyone eventually showed up and we ordered our food and I tried to have a good time. I got up and went outside to have a cigarette. I passed the owner and she said she talked to her husband and he was calm about it. He would be coming in soon and we’d work it out. Cool. I had my smoke and re-examined the damage. It looked fixable. Even though I was a little relieved I was broke and didn’t need this.

I went back to dinner and enjoyed the meal and the people. My aunt was pretty funny and so was my mom’s friend. We joked, small talked and some serious conversation. After the meal my uncle joined me for a smoke and on the way out the female owner stopped me and said her husband was at the bar.

I went over to him and introduced myself. He wasn’t the friendliest of people but he was polite and trying not to be angry with me. I apologized and told him that I’ll pay for it etc. I gave him my phone number. He told me how much it would be to replace the fence piece. $240. Yikes. He said the other one was destroyed and that was the quote he got for that one. I told him I’d be in touch and joined my uncle for a smoke.

My uncle was examining the fence when I arrived and lit up. He didn’t think it looked that bad and he makes a living fixing things. I told him how much it was to replace the fence and he said that was crazy. He could fix it close to nothing and they didn’t need to replace the fence. Then he went on to say how stupid it is to have an eating area right outside the front door and in the parking lot. I was thinking that the fact that it was hit twice in a month might be saying something. We went back in and my guilty feelings came back.

We left and luckily my mom had a great time and that’s all that mattered. I made the mistake of telling her how much it was to fix it. The next day she sent the restaurant a check for $240. She told me that she did it because she likes to eat there and I can work it off around her house. Weird. Most of my life my mom has no been the one to bail me out unless she really sees me working. We have a deal that I never ask to borrow and she never offers to lend. She’s been bending that rule lately but I never ask. She has made the effort to understand what I am going through and where I’m at and she’s been a big help. I don’t take her for granted but appreciate the help. God bless mom

My Mom is also a talented wriiter and published author.

Check out her Monday Morning Blogs at http://theresemarlin.wordpress.com/

Buy her book at

http://www.amazon.com/War-Distance-Therese-Marlin/


Mental Illness, Death & Buffy the Vampire Slayer

April 2, 2011

It’s been a while since I wrote anything personal or what’s going on in my life and posted it. So many changes and so many things staying the same.

 

I’ve been a shut in. I’ve been anti-social. I’ve been out of my mind with my Bipolar. I’ve had the face pain from the Trigeminal Neuralgia (TN) on and off.  My anxiety Disorder has been acting up. My thoughts and feelings about life in general have fluctuated so much that it’s been rough to focus and complete anything. I have so many writings started and then I get distracted from my ailments. So, I’ve been pretty much working on various novels I’ve been working on forever and watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Ha.

 

It might sound funny but that’s what’s been getting me through the past month or so. I’ve been watching the series from season 1 on. Honestly it is a fantastic show. Well, it was a fantastic show. Underneath the goofiness, the vampires and demons etc., there is depth to the characters that I’ve been able to relate to and I’ve been opening up my feelings about life to myself.

 

I’ve been so disconnected for a long time that my emotions and relationships with people have died. I literally stopped caring about anyone or anything. My memories started cooperating. I started losing memories. My entire life experiences became a distant fog.

 

The final blow was when I started training for a job after 6 months of unemployment and I blew it on the second day. My TN acted up and I was up  all night and took my pain meds. I woke up 2 hours after I was supposed to be there. Since I was 14 or 15 I have always had a job. I’ve even had my own businesses. It was a real blow to me that my illnesses might be severe enough to keep me from holding a steady job. I fell deeper into my denial fog.

 

When I started watching Buffy I started to relive personal experiences that I’ve repressed and didn’t want to deal with. Lost loves, lost relatives, lost jobs, etc. It still seems corny that a cult TV series would start bringing me back to life but it did.

 

A few days ago my Aunt died. She was the one that helped me stop drinking and got me into “recovery”. I stopped going and believing in the 12 steps months ago and now that she’s gone it brought up everything. I remembered everyone that I’ve lost. I am questioning my part in life. In other people’s lives. In the 12 step program itself.

 

It’s tough to lose someone again. Someone I love and had such a strong impact on my life. It’s been really painful lately both emotionally and physically. It’s also been a good thing because it makes me feel human again. Although I can give a good appearance most of the time, overall, I have been out of my mind and almost completely numb. I’ve been repressing my fear, doubts, pains, my very existence. I was beyond hopeless in my mind.

 

I finally feel human again. Just by letting go emotionally I came out of hiding. Vicariously living in this TV show I actually woke up from my fog. Memories, feelings and motivation are surging through me now. I feel like I have a chance at life again.

 

I’m going to go finish watching Buffy save the world again and get another recharge. Ha.


Life is Changing and Changing

November 14, 2010

Life is changing and changing. I heard that if your not changing and growing then you are dying. If you are a creative person and you are not creating then you are dying. The past few months have been different to say the least. The past few years have been unusually different to say the most. Some days I’m so focused on  my goals and dreams and other days I’m off the races in my mind and can’t function. I don’t know f I am growing but I am changing.

It seems like I keep waking up and everything that has happened in my life was a dream. Good dream and bad dream. One day I’m living in an apartment I can’t afford even though I had a job and I was whacked out on pain meds, psych meds and life in general the next day I’m clean and sober with less Psych meds living with my parents helping my sick father who eventually died. Then I’m in house with my mother and I lose my job but I have money in the bank and a little unemployment coming my way so it was comfortable.

I published not just one novel but three books within a moth. I felt great creatively and spiritually. I believe those are connected. Life is rolling along one day at a time. Then the pressure starts hitting me to think about a career. A job. Something. My mother and my friends think it’s time I go to work. I secretly disagreed.

What I thought was an epiphany turned out to be a fantasy and an unrealistic reality. I thought that I wanted ot get into Drug and Alcohol counseling. I talked to some people and researched half assedly. I found out I needed two years of recovery to get into the particular places I was looking for. I used it as an excuse not ot look for anything else.

I woke up one day and I am suddenly renting a house from a friend and out of my mom’s house. I still have no job and my savings are dwindling. No muney and more bills. I have a house mate. We started a business venture that may or may not pay off but we at least started it.

I went form no job plenty of money living with mom creating every day to sharing a house with a friend and business partner with no job and no money and less motivation to write and create. My energies are in the business. No income is expected for a while but I refuse to work. Sure I do a little part time work for an uncle but nothing serious.

My anxiety levels and agoraphobia keep me house ridden for days sometimes. I hate socializing. What happened to “good time Charlie” as an old friend once called me?

It seems I went from mr social guy to hermit overnight. It did take years. Some say it’s part of me growing up. Some say it’s my mental problems. Some say “get a job, ya bum”. Some say nothing at all. What can they say?

It’s not easy being human. I was going ot say me but I know everyone has problems. They just don’t wear them on their sleeves or like merit badges on their chest like I do sometimes.

I never thought that I’d be at a place in my life where I refused to look for a job. I’m not sure if it’s stubbornness, fear, my determination to succeed in other areas, or my mental illness and anxiety.

I went from having a job and lots of money living with my mother to no job, no money, paying rent etc. I keep waking up everyday in a different state of mind with a different focus and different awareness. I wonder who am I? Where am I going? What am I doing? Then I run away and hide in other thoughts that either thrill me or upset me fro the day.

The only thing I know is that tomorrow is another day. I never know what is around the corner and if I at least try at life I will feel a live. I hope. I always have hope.


Loss of a Genius – Ryno is With Us Always

November 5, 2010

Ryan. Ryno is what we called him. The most popular of his many aliases. Gone. Died. Brain tumor took him at age 42, a month away from 43. My age. He fought. We prayed and fought as best we could at a distance. Some closer than others. Weird to watch someone die. I visited him last week and haven’t seen him since the benefit for his medical bills back in July 2010.

My band the World Famous Crawlspace Brothers were playing a show with my friend Vince’s Misfits tribute band in Delaware, Walk Among Us in 2006. I met Ryan because he was a friend with Vince and was video taping Walk Among Us. Ryan was a big guy and wore glasses and had that I don’t give a shit nerd look. He was very nice. He went on to video tape a few songs of my band as well.

When we were done playing Ryan came up to our merchandise table and bought our cd and T-shirt. He asked us all to autograph the cd. He was the ultimate fan boy. I relate because I can be quite the fan boy with other bands and celebrities. He made us feel really god about our performance. He wanted to make a dvd of our show for us and also post it on YouTube.

A few days later he showed up at my work and handed me 4 dvds of The World Famous Crawlspace Brothers. 1 for each band member. I offered him money but he refused and said he loves the songs and performance. I thanked him and this was the beginning of a beautiful friendship. We kept in touch through the months and he showed up at all of our shows in Delaware.

I discovered Ryan’s music projects on MySpace. He had a heavy metal band called Chemikiller that was incredible. He had a “scum rock” band called 4x that was also great. I loved his music. He was also a  huge Kiss fan and was in a Kiss tribute band called Strange Ways and he dressed up like Gene Simmons. I had the pleasure of seeing him. Despite the initial shock of seeing the big guy in tight spandex, platform shoes and make up, his performance, singing and bass playing was amazing. He took on the Gene Simmons persona and I forgot it was Ryan. One of my favorite shows to this day. He later went on to play in The Hellside Wranglers with Vince and Pat from Walk Among Us and myself. It was a more aggressive electric punk version of The World Famous Crawlspace Brothers. He joined up with Vince’s Walk Among Us, The Hated with friend Dan and eventually close friend Brian. Vince and Ryan also started a band called the Negative Zeros. He was always playing, recording, performing and out there.

As I got to know him better I realized despite his talents he was human with human problems like the rest of us. We didn’t hang out as much as we should have but we were there for each other when the chips came falling down.

My one regret is that we never did a Hellside Wranglers reunion like he has wanted to do for the last 2 years. I just lost interest in playing out. I never lost interest in my friendship with Ryan. We didn’t get together as much as we should have but we knew what we had. Once you are in a band with someone there is a universal connection and friendship that lasts forever. At least for me.

In April or May, I can’t remember when exactly, Ryan’s friend Brian called me and told me that Ryan had brain cancer. I heard many stories of how serious it was and didn’t know what to believe. I couldn’t get to the Hospital to see him but I was able to talk to him and he explained ot me what happened. He was getting headaches and memory loss. He said that the final straw was when he was forgetting how to play songs that he has been playing for over 20 years. He went and had it checked out and found out he had the tumor. Most of it was removed and what was left was cancerous. I felt so bad. I prayed for Ryan every day since I found out. Even this morning before I found out he passed, I prayed for him and his family.

July 3rd 2010, we had a great fundraising show and I actually played solo with my acoustic guitar. Ryan was there. He was bald from the chemotherapy. He had trouble speaking but had no problem singing along to my songs that only Ryan knows so well. He knew how to play almost everyone of my songs better than I do. There was a decent crowd and a lot of friend’s bands there to support him. He had a great time. This was the last time I saw him until last week.

I got a call that he is going fast and I better visit him. I got his wife Kim’s phone number and made an appointment. I saw him last week and he was in and out of consciousness. He knew who I was but could barely speak. I hung out as long as I could and left having a feeling it was to be the last time I would see him alive. It was. I wanted to visit him this week but I ran out of money and couldn’t afford the gas.

I checked my messages today and Ryan’s friend Brian left a message to call him. I could hear him crying. I knew. I went on Ryan’s facebook page to see before I called Brian back. There were messages with sympathy etc. I cried. I called Brian.

Ryan was a dedicated musician and a genius on the guitar and bass. I will remember him for these qualities as well as his unconditional love and friendship.

I’m going to go cry some more.

He will always be alive in his music and the memories of family, friends and fans.


Friends

October 21, 2010

Friends. Friends. What are they good for? Absolutely nothing. I’m exaggerating but very few people stay in each other’s lives forever unless they are related and even relatives can disappear. People come and they go in our lives like our housing, clothes, cars and jobs. Everyone changes and can grow away or towards other people. Grow out of jobs, houses, clothes and cars. The loss of these things by choice or by circumstance. Why am I talking about this?

 

I’ve just been reflecting on old friends that have either come back in my life or come to my mind. Old girlfriends and even a wife have been going through my dreams. It seems that everything and everybody in my life have become distant memories that harbor no strong emotion or difference. I’m sure that they’ve had their place and served their purpose in my existence. I wonder why I once held these things in such high regard. No. I wonder even more as to why I don’t care as much anymore.

 

I’ve been told that it’s part of growing up. Or is it part of growing old? None of my current friends really care about me. I really don’t care about them. These seem like harsh statements but they’re true. I care about people at times to a certain extent. I pray for the people in and out of my life past and present. I care on one level but I don’t on another level. When I see or talk to some friends I have a good time but its not like it used to be. We all leave each other and go back to own self absorbed worlds.

 

I ran into an old friend the other night and he went right into busting my balls the way he used to. I was hurt. It put my view of friendships in perspective. I don’t want to be friends with an asshole who puts me down. I got back in touch with another friend a few weeks ago when his sister died. We both changed and got along really well.  He has a full life now so we won’t be seeing much of each other. Other friends I’ve let go of in the past because they weren’t growing but going backwards. I like to think that I am growing but it’s at a much slower rate the past few years.

 

I have family members of my natural mother’s side that have cut me off and want nothing to do with me because of my past interests in subversive arts and serial killers etc. I’ve made many attempts to get in touch and no response. It’s on them. People are people. People come and go including family. Family isn’t always blood. My adopted family accepts me as I am and including my eccentricities. I still wonder if anyone really cares or if I care for them. I appreciate them.

 

Love, lust, and crushes all come and go too. How many times have you said, “This is it. I’m in love. This is the one for me”? I’ve said it to myself countless times. Sometimes these thoughts lead to relationships that last years then they go. I could write on and on about the “what is love” question. This is about friends. Friends.

 

I’ve learned through the years that you have to be a friend to have a friend and I haven’t put out that much so it makes sense. I don’t think anyone cares because I don’t care. I’m not bitter or resentful I believe people are in their own worlds and the people in their world are just people in their world. I have my world too. You are just another person in my world. Sure I can name special things about people. I’ve been supportive to others and I’ve had other’s support, I do it because it’s the human thing to do. The right thing. I just can’t say I care much right now.

 

I’m numb to strong feelings about anyone right now and it’s ok. This will change with the next romance or the next close friend I bond with. I know that future relationships will most likely end. People, places and things come and go. Friends. Friends.

 

It would be easier if I re-define what a friend is. I’m not sure I ever defined it to begin with.

Then again, I’ve been told, “it’s not about me.”

 

Want to be my friend?


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