“I don’t think I’m the right sex for anyone right now.” I said.
My friends laughed. It was a joke, right? Hmmm. Was it?
I was talking to two guys I know the other day. Guy talk. Don’t get all upset ladies. You do it too except you call it “girl talk”. It was a “she’s cute, she’s hot, etc.” the one guy said “You’re not the right sex for her?” implying that the woman we were talking about is gay. I just answered with what I was thinking. “I don’t think I’m the right sex for anyone right now.”
It’s an unwritten contract I have with women right now. I don’t get involved or interested in them and they don’t get interested in me. It’s a mutual agreement that seems to be working against my secret desires, my inner attractions, and basic needs. For now it’s working. Right ladies? What was that? I didn’t quite hear you. I can’t be wrong can I? Ok so maybe I secretly or not so secretly have a crush or a desire or something. So what? What are you going to do about, huh? Not sure? Me either. Ok.
So let’s move on. I’m focused on my isolated world of creativity right now. Right? I think I am. I tell myself I am. I am working at working at it. I’m writing now, right? There’s a good start. Thank you. I have a book that’s almost published. Maybe some self-esteem will come from that. Will it? I did publish a book that collected my poems, stories, blogs and journals from 2004-2008. That was a good start. I do have self-esteem. Don’t I? Of course I do. So shut up. I was talking to me not you. You haven’t said a word yet. Or was I too busy talking to hear you?
Who am I trying to impress? Me or you? Are you impressed? I’m proud when I’m not worried about what you think. That’s more than not. Isn’t it? Say something will you? Validate me a little bit please. No. Never mind. I feel better now. I am happy with my progress and station in life at this moment. This moment too. I’m going to be ok. I am ok. You’re ok. Are you ok? I’ve been thinking about you in between my long-term self-absorption. You are there. Don’t worry. You’re not worried are you? You are? You’re not? Hmm. Interesting. I can’t tell the difference anymore. What is the difference? I’m stumped once again. Here we go again. No we don’t. I do. You?
Maybe I’ll figure it out and tell you about it. Maybe you won’t be there to hear me but I’ll say it anyway. Whatever it is. You can be damned sure that I will say it. I think I just said it, didn’t I? Were you listening?