It’s Not About Me

June 25, 2010

“What do you mean it’s not about me?” I asked.

“It’s not about you man.” He said.

He went on to explain that it’s about being a decent human being and working with other people that need help. In a sense, in order to maintain my own spirituality and well being I have to lose myself in helping others. Give to receive and that kind of shit. That was a long time ago and every day just trying to do what I want to do is a reminder that it’s not about me.

I got up early this morning because my mother needed my car moved so she can get out and do her volunteer work with Meals on Wheels. It’s not about me. I like to relax on the porch with my coffee and cigarettes and write in the morning and the landscaping service shows up. I can’t stand the noise and my allergies get aggravated. It’s not about me. Our neighbor is painting the windows in the house with a friend of his and they are in and out of the house and I hate to have strangers or any outsider around especially when I am trying to relax on the porch It’s not about me.

I stay aggravated half the day because everyone seems to be interrupting my plans and what I expect. It’s not about me.

I get a phone call from someone trying to get sober that I’m not always real crazy about because I’m not sure if he’s serious or not. He wants a ride to a meeting I committed myself to that I don’t even like. He calls three times so I call him back and say that I’ll take him. It’s not about me. I have to leave early for this meeting and pick up hot dogs every week and I don’t even like the meeting. It’s not about me. I get a phone call from the only other dependable member of the group for that runs this meeting saying she won’t be there tonight. I have to do most of the other responsibilities tonight. Once again, it’s not about me.

For the past year or so the theme of my life has been that saying and I still need and get a daily reminder that it’s not about me. It’s about doing the right thing, helping others, taking actions against my will and trying to conform my will with God’s.

It’s not about me.


No Guilt for Fate

June 6, 2010

Fate. God’s Will. What is meant to be is to be. Call it what you want but I believe things happen for a reason. I believe in this more and more every day. Everything that has happened in my life has lead me to who I am now. For better or for worse depending on the day and my spiritual condition or mood. It’s all about today for me, today.

I don’t have any regrets of my past and what I have done or haven’t done. It is what it is. I try to make the best of each moment and when I’m down I just ride it out and it goes away eventually.

My recent unfair job loss has freed my mind up a bit. For now. I’m in a position to move on creatively and try to improve the quality of life for myself. By losing my “job” I got to thinking about what I really want to do. I’ve known it for a long time now but I want to write. I want to write and make a living off of writing stories, novels and poetry. I might get sidetracked here and there but I know deep in my heart what I want to do. What I’m good at.

Recently (but before I lost my job), I wanted to recreate myself as an artist. I’ve been toning things done a little here and there. I created a new blog page online to help promote me as a writer. I was going ot only post the less offensive writings. I’ve been holding back on my online social networking pages as well because family and people I know casually are on there. You know what? I don’t care anymore. To quote the great Popeye “I am what I am”. I did what I did.

I was worried about future employers googling my name and finding out about the xxx movies I’ve made, the serial killer songs I’ve written, recorded and performed, the sexual or offensive stories I’ve written and the “sick” drawings I’ve done. At one point I was considering deleting everything I could off of the internet. That’s impossible. I did what I did. Some things I’m proud of and some things I’m not but it all contributed to making me who I am today. It’s all part of who I am. People will see it and choose if they like it or not from there.

Anyone that knows me well knows that I am perverted, dark, and weird. They also know that I am a decent person that doesn’t revolve my life around my darkness or perversions. There is another side to me.

It took another loss of a meaningless “job” to open my eyes to see who I am again. To quote Patti Smith “I am an American artist and I have no guilt”.

Today I will either create something perverted, dark, or light and funny. Whatever it is I am on a mission to constantly create no matter what anyone else thinks or says about it. Amen.


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