Happy, Joyous and Free . . . Weeeeeee!

July 8, 2010

“I want what all those happy joyous & free mother fuckers have..” she wrote in a message to me.

I got news for you- nobody is happy, joyous and free all of the time. It comes in waves. We are all human, ya know. We all have our crosses to bear. We all have our fears, insecurities, failings, and crashes. Some more than others but none of us would be human if we didn’t.

I’ve been attending these meetings for over 18 years and I’ve heard a lot of great things but most of the people are full of shit. They talk it and don’t walk it. That’s human too. I don’t hold it against them. Nobody is happy, joyous and free 24 hours a day. No one. Did I say no one? No one.

There was a line from Jason Lee’s character in Vanilla Sky “the sweet wouldn’t be as sweet without the sour”. If I didn’t have the sour I wouldn’t appreciate the sweet. It doesn’t have to be all bad. I don’t have to focus on the bad but I do have to go through the emotions whether I want to or not. Otherwise I’m repressing it and telling myself and others a huge lie. “I’m ok”. No I’m not. I am this moment but not all of the time. It’s ok to not be ok sometimes. It doesn’t mean that I am not spiritual enough. It doesn’t mean that I’m not working the 12 steps hard enough. It just means that I am human and life is happening and I have to face it instead of running from it like I have in the past.

When my friend died of Aids in 1997 I sat with his mother at the funeral. She said that everyone is telling her “everything is going to be ok”. She said, “it’s not going to be ok.” I agreed with her and said, “You’re right. It’s not going to be ok.” It was probably the most honesty I’ve ever given and she’s ever received. It’s better than lying to her. She seemed to feel more comfort knowing that someone recognized her right to feel that way than hearing  “It’ll be ok”.

There’s this one guy that says “I’m happy, joyous and free today because I choose to be” at every meeting he goes to. Yet he seems pretty miserable when I’ve tried talking to him after the meeting. Abraham Lincoln said, “you are as happy as you make your mind up to be”. I get the general attitude there but it’s not that easy all of the time. Every morning I wake up and pray and ask God to guide me through my day. Some days I get aggravated or depressed almost immediately after. That’s life. I can choose to stay there or find a way out. On the average I do a little of both on a given bad day.

I don’t trust people that act happy every time I see them and always share and talk about positive things. I don’t like people that tell me how great they are doing when they’re really not. I love to hear people share from their heart about themselves and their lives whether it’s good, bad or average and what they are doing about it. What’s really going on?

I hear a lot of people say, “I’m livin’ the dream” in some circles and it seems so fake like a Stewart Smiley affirmation. I’m good enough, I’m smart enough and gosh darn it, people like me. Maybe they are “livin’ the dream” but it just seems so fake. This is just my personal opinion. If it works for them then more power to them. I understand the general sentiment in the term. In a sense I am living the dream too. I understand the point they are making which is I never dreamed I could live with my addictions in some sort of control. I never dreamed I would have and utilize a higher power that helps me if I ask. In that sense I am living the dream. It’s just when that’s your rehearsed answer to the question “How are you?” it bothers me. Then again, any rehearsed answer to a greeting can bother me. I like honesty. Although I’m not always the most honest person myself, I aim to be.

It upsets me sometimes when people fool other people into thinking that his or her life is happy, joyous and free at all times. It gives people a false hope of something they may never live up to. I admit that I am happy joyous and free over all in the general sense. I am grateful. I am also sometimes sad, angry, lonely, depressed, and anxious. I guess what I’m saying here is that it’s ok for me or you or him or her to feel that way. You have the right to feel. You own your emotions. Yes. There are ways of pulling out of it but most of the time I believe that a person has to feel the emotions whether they are good or bad and deal with them. Don’t dwell on them. Deal with them like a human being. Talk to people about it. Most of the time I tell someone I’m close to how I feel they understand. They’ve felt that way too whether they are an alcoholic or bipolar or not. The oddest people I’ve met in my life are the ones that seem perfect. They seem happy all of the time. I’ve learned through getting to know a lot of people like this that they are just as human as the rest of us. They have defects of character and fears just like the rest of the human race. They just hide it better.

Enough of my rant. I just hate when people live a lie. I’ve put many a person on a pedestal through the years and every one of them has fallen. Why? They are human. Super men are in comic books and movies. Now I know that it’s ok to be human. It’s not ok to dwell in any emotion. I live one day at a time and enjoy every moment I can. Some bad moments and some good moments. I hope you do too.


Happy Birthday

May 29, 2010

I wrote this the day after my Birthday on May 2nd.

Emotionally and physically drained aftermath of a birthday party that this sometimes anti-social child like forty three year old man threw for himself in hopes of sharing his half hearted unrequited love for his friends. When everyone was gone I was trapped in my head despite the fun I think I had. Three AM clean up of a broken heart disillusioned romantic sex addict mess left behind from a night of sober behavior and great conversation. She never came. She never called. I couldn’t sleep with my head spinning with good, bad and ugly fantasies and memories of a time that may have only existed for a moment or not at all. ….

Wake up groggy and hung-over without drinking or doing drugs and I sit on my humid porch stalking and lurking on the internet and feeding my mind with pornography to avoid life and lack of or too much. My face is swollen and a rash appears across it as if I am allergic to living. My breath becomes shorter and shorter after each cigarette I smoke and my heart pounds harder and harder with each sip of my coffee that I am drowning myself in to get me out of this funk. It doesn’t work. Neither have I for five days and I like not going to work and dread it at the same time.

I turn it over and turn it on and it tunes in to a long forgotten channel of sludge and codependency that I thought I lost. I heard someone say today that his goal in life is not to die with a crack pipe in his mouth, Perspective and intuition returned immediately to my mind and heart as I realized that everything good and bad and indifferent really doesn’t matter as long as I’m alive. As long as I breath no mater how polluted my thoughts are I am alive and doing just fine. Thanks for asking.


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