June 19, 2010
The word sad is defined as being affected by grief or unhappiness. That’s where I’m at today. I’m sad. I feel grief. One year ago today my Father dies. My adopted Father for those that don’t know. I was “adopted” when I was eleven years old by my fourth and fifth grade teacher and her husband. Technically, they were my legal guardians. Although, I never call them Mom and Dad that’s what they are to me.
I’m not sure if I’m sad because I’m supposed to be or if the memories are coming back from last year and it’s causing the sadness. It could be living with my Mother that I feel her sadness. It’s probably a combination of all of the above. I’m not sure if I’m depressed or not but I definitely feel sadness. I’m not used to feeling real feelings that normal people feel over normal situations. I’m used to feeling emotions for things that “normal” people wouldn’t. Things like obsessing over women or things or crying or getting angry over little things like stubbing my toe or having to get out of bed. I haven’t felt that way for a long time over silly things so when something real hits me it’s unusual.
It is a strange thing that people seem to react to dates, anniversaries, holidays birthdays and such. We’re supposed to feel a certain way because it’s a certain date. This is the day that your Father died so you should be sad. It’s Christmas so you should be happy and giving. It’s your birthday and depending how old you are you are supposed to feel happy or sad. Do the actual dates trigger the feelings based on memories or does the body naturally react knowing what the day means? Some dates I skip over and forget they even exist and then I remember and look back to how I felt that date and it seemed appropriate to the date.
All I know is that the past week a lingering sadness has been building up to today. I feel sad. I can handle it today for I have a greater being in my life today. I have friends and family to talk to today. I have a good life despite my loss. I miss him and he will live on in my very existence.
August 12th 1931-
June 19th 2009