Fetishes Part 2 -Dacryphilia

February 5, 2011

Fetish. The psychological definition of a fetish is any object or non-genital part of the body that causes a habitual erotic response or fixation. An extreme form of a fetish is called paraphilia.

 

Paraphilia is a biomedical term used to describe sexual arousal to objects, situations, or individuals that are not part of normative stimulation and that may cause distress or serious problems for the paraphiliac or persons associated with him or her. A paraphilia involves sexual arousal and gratification towards sexual behavior that is atypical and extreme. -Wikipedia

 

That being said brings me to my 2nd article about less known fetishes: dacryphila. (Click here for Fetishes Part 1 -Nasophilia.)

 

Dacryphilia (also known as dacrylagnia) is a form of paraphilia in which one is aroused by tears or sobbing. Dacryphilia is primarily associated with males.

The term covers all forms of pleasure from the tears of others. The arousal is achieved when viewing a person in emotional distress. It carries the theme where a person (often a top in a BDSM relationship) induces another (the bottom) to cry, or otherwise show a strong emotion. –Wikipedia

 

For the most part the term is applied to dominant men making a woman cry through verbal abuse, spanking, whipping and similar “punishment” actions. It is a form of power play where the dominant controls the psychological response from the receiver. The dacryphiliac gets extreme pleasure and sexual arousal watching someone in emotional distress.

 

Although it’s more pleasurable for the dacryphiliac to cause the tears of another, he can also be passive and enjoy watching the person cry no matter who or what is causing it.

Any visual and sound of a person crying can set off the dacryphilia. Typically, a woman crying sets a man off sexually.

 

For some dacryphiliacs it only takes their own tears to get aroused.

 

I feel like crying for these people.

 

 

 

 

 

If you have dacryphilia here’s a popular YouTube video for you-


Loss of a Genius – Ryno is With Us Always

November 5, 2010

Ryan. Ryno is what we called him. The most popular of his many aliases. Gone. Died. Brain tumor took him at age 42, a month away from 43. My age. He fought. We prayed and fought as best we could at a distance. Some closer than others. Weird to watch someone die. I visited him last week and haven’t seen him since the benefit for his medical bills back in July 2010.

My band the World Famous Crawlspace Brothers were playing a show with my friend Vince’s Misfits tribute band in Delaware, Walk Among Us in 2006. I met Ryan because he was a friend with Vince and was video taping Walk Among Us. Ryan was a big guy and wore glasses and had that I don’t give a shit nerd look. He was very nice. He went on to video tape a few songs of my band as well.

When we were done playing Ryan came up to our merchandise table and bought our cd and T-shirt. He asked us all to autograph the cd. He was the ultimate fan boy. I relate because I can be quite the fan boy with other bands and celebrities. He made us feel really god about our performance. He wanted to make a dvd of our show for us and also post it on YouTube.

A few days later he showed up at my work and handed me 4 dvds of The World Famous Crawlspace Brothers. 1 for each band member. I offered him money but he refused and said he loves the songs and performance. I thanked him and this was the beginning of a beautiful friendship. We kept in touch through the months and he showed up at all of our shows in Delaware.

I discovered Ryan’s music projects on MySpace. He had a heavy metal band called Chemikiller that was incredible. He had a “scum rock” band called 4x that was also great. I loved his music. He was also a  huge Kiss fan and was in a Kiss tribute band called Strange Ways and he dressed up like Gene Simmons. I had the pleasure of seeing him. Despite the initial shock of seeing the big guy in tight spandex, platform shoes and make up, his performance, singing and bass playing was amazing. He took on the Gene Simmons persona and I forgot it was Ryan. One of my favorite shows to this day. He later went on to play in The Hellside Wranglers with Vince and Pat from Walk Among Us and myself. It was a more aggressive electric punk version of The World Famous Crawlspace Brothers. He joined up with Vince’s Walk Among Us, The Hated with friend Dan and eventually close friend Brian. Vince and Ryan also started a band called the Negative Zeros. He was always playing, recording, performing and out there.

As I got to know him better I realized despite his talents he was human with human problems like the rest of us. We didn’t hang out as much as we should have but we were there for each other when the chips came falling down.

My one regret is that we never did a Hellside Wranglers reunion like he has wanted to do for the last 2 years. I just lost interest in playing out. I never lost interest in my friendship with Ryan. We didn’t get together as much as we should have but we knew what we had. Once you are in a band with someone there is a universal connection and friendship that lasts forever. At least for me.

In April or May, I can’t remember when exactly, Ryan’s friend Brian called me and told me that Ryan had brain cancer. I heard many stories of how serious it was and didn’t know what to believe. I couldn’t get to the Hospital to see him but I was able to talk to him and he explained ot me what happened. He was getting headaches and memory loss. He said that the final straw was when he was forgetting how to play songs that he has been playing for over 20 years. He went and had it checked out and found out he had the tumor. Most of it was removed and what was left was cancerous. I felt so bad. I prayed for Ryan every day since I found out. Even this morning before I found out he passed, I prayed for him and his family.

July 3rd 2010, we had a great fundraising show and I actually played solo with my acoustic guitar. Ryan was there. He was bald from the chemotherapy. He had trouble speaking but had no problem singing along to my songs that only Ryan knows so well. He knew how to play almost everyone of my songs better than I do. There was a decent crowd and a lot of friend’s bands there to support him. He had a great time. This was the last time I saw him until last week.

I got a call that he is going fast and I better visit him. I got his wife Kim’s phone number and made an appointment. I saw him last week and he was in and out of consciousness. He knew who I was but could barely speak. I hung out as long as I could and left having a feeling it was to be the last time I would see him alive. It was. I wanted to visit him this week but I ran out of money and couldn’t afford the gas.

I checked my messages today and Ryan’s friend Brian left a message to call him. I could hear him crying. I knew. I went on Ryan’s facebook page to see before I called Brian back. There were messages with sympathy etc. I cried. I called Brian.

Ryan was a dedicated musician and a genius on the guitar and bass. I will remember him for these qualities as well as his unconditional love and friendship.

I’m going to go cry some more.

He will always be alive in his music and the memories of family, friends and fans.


AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

September 27, 2010

AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! That’s how I fucking feel right now. Panic. Stress. Anxiety. My un comfortable comfort zone. My thoughts race far beyond my own comprehension. Trouble thinking yet alone typing. Writing. Blogging. Shitting or whatever this precious intimate open hearted garbage is that I’m puking all over you the reader. The black letters on the white word docment page on the shiny screen. Mind going. Going. Gon . .nope. Not gone but cracked a bit. I feel it buzz down my spine as I try to get some of these thoughts out …

It started last Friday. No it started 2 weeks ago today I think. A Sunday definitively. I called Brian about the meeting we got to Sundays in Phila. H e said he couldn’t go. He couldn’t. Well he chose not to . Ya see he said he was busy. He said he was busy ficing the house he owned next door to him. His tenant moved out and he was getting it ready to rent. I asked. I had to ask. So I did it. I asked. Yes I did. I asked Brian. I asked Brian “ how much are you renting it for?” He told me a price I couldn’t. No wait it was I price I wouldn’t refuse. “how many bedrooms?” I asked I did. 2. 2? Yes 2. I told him I want it and I have aroomamate in mind already.  I did. I knew Seth was looking ot get out too. I wasn’t looking ot get out but I knew that living with my mother at my age with my habits was wearing on her and she was going ot be moving on and out and something. Biscuit? Pancakes.

Whew… Breathing is easier when I do it I did.

So. So Seth said yes let’s do it. Move in together. Wednesday we checked it out and told Brian yes we wanted it. We will take it. He was happy Seth was happy. My mom was happy. Everyone’s happy except for me. I like where I am at in life believe it or not. Change is a stressful thing for me. I have been nothing but productive since I lost my job the end of May. I finished my novel and published it along with the Best of  the Serial Killer Coloring book that I was thinking of doing for over 5 years. I write every day even if it’s trash or ramblings like this one or not.  I don’t know

Oh yeah. SO I am happy living with my mom. She’s a great roommate or house mate except she wants me to work. She understood me wanting ot get my book finished and out because she is a writer too. Now it’s time to move on. I decided that before I was pushed out. She’s leaving anyway in the next year or t2. Did I say that already. I can’t keep track. I’m even to wired and lazy at the same time to spell check or proof read. Can barely move. Except to the bathroom and tha’ts another problem I ha’ve been getting the shits almost every day or every other day for a 3 weeks .

Stress? Maybe I don’t know.

Yeha, My Dad died last year in July, <My adopted dad. Mu adopted Grandmom died in January this year. Death… Family. It brought me closer to my mom and the rest of the family but it fucked me in the head so I repressed it. I do that. I’m good at that repressing

SO I am totally unmotivated and paralyzed with fear, anxiety, depression, and  motivated with diarrhea. That’s it. I’ve barely packed. 4 fuckign days I have to be out of her eand in the new place by Pctoer 1st and I have to hace to to/ to clean thehouse and clear my dead dad’s stuff ourt of one of the rooms I live in. 10 bookshelves worth of giant books, cds some records and whatever else… Get that shit done my shit done. I’m throwing out my bed tomorrow so I sleep on a couch for a few days. Who cares ?   I’ve done that beforooore.

OFund out the other night my friend died. My old employer. Jana banana. I jope toget my head toghteher enough to write somethingnice about her eventually. She was great. I am also good friends wit her brother. We haven’t talked for years and we did finally the other night. I went to the wake. It was fun. She was the owner of the Singing Banana Telegram company . tha’ts why we called her Jana Banana. They had a singing banana come out and sing to the dead Jana. It was more like a comedy roast than a viewing or wake or wahtaever. I don’t evenknwo the difference.

My ex-wife showed up. Weird… I called her and invited her but didn’t expect her to show up. I went years hating her and we’ve been pretty civil that past few years and she was friends with Dave the brother and we were at Jana’a last wedding and Jana was at ours. It was weird to see that she looked good. I neverthought I would think or feel that about her ever again. She had plastic surgery before I left her and I hated it. I talked to her and we had a good time at the viewing. Weird. Wird for me and .

ok. My head won’t stop. Whish there was a button I could push on my forehead to stop my thoughts.

I also remembered an old friend of Jana’s that no one got in touch with. I remembered that she goes to a coffe eshop on Sunday nights for a sewing or knitting circle thingy . I called her after the viewing and mademy friend and future house mate Seth waiting bored in my car while I told Jana’s friend and my old friend that Jana died over the coffee shop phone. We talked and caught up. Now we’re re-connected.

All of these reconnections are overwhelming me with the pressures and anxieties I already had and I was am are is. . .  confused about it all. Dave. Myex-wife Cindy, My old friend Cindy, …Jana. RIP

Then I came home to the wonder ful facebook and was friend requested by some guy I didn’t know and I haven’t been that picky so I accepted him and immediately received a facebook invite to my High School reunion. Then he came back to me and and. . I sort o remembered him. My 3 yeaars on facebook I was only requested by one person I knew from high school. Now more memories… good and bad. I started looking at his friend list and saw all of these people I sort of remembered but not quite. Weired weird … freaky weird. Shut up. Ok yeah then I saw someone that has always hated me but was friends with one of my old friends and we used to tolerate each other. I got upset and thrown off by that too. He spread the rumor that I was gay years after high school because my friends and I messed with his homophobia. I hate homophics. Most of them. Not you. Or you. But him. Yeah

Then I started this paranoic rampage of the mind about me going to the high school reunion and having people come p to me and I don’t remember who they are. It’s been a lot of years since I’ve seen or heard these people. It’s not til November so fuck it. I guess. But it was just one more thing..

Oh yeah then one of my facebook “friends” that I don’t even know left a comment that my friend that died is going ot hell. That was just another thing to add to my overwhelming anxiety and racing speeeding thoughts and stress and blah blah blah. . . etc ya know…

He followed it with a “you’re going to hell” directed at me. So I deleted, blocked and reported him as a fake profile because he had not info and only cartoon pics of himself.

Today facebook took me off and signed me out and said my account was suspended for suspicious activity and to prove it was really me I had to identify my “friends” pictures. Luckily most were people I know personally. They have a real hang up about it being a friends and family site but what if I want to make new friends? Fuck it. Least of my worries.. Just one more thing to make my head throb and speed.

I’m also talking to a girl who I know is fake because she has one picture of herself and 34 pictures of her friends and I recognize some of them as porn stars. Not that I look at pron or anything.. haha. Ok . you know already..vShe doesn’t bother me I just go along wither talk about liking me etc.. Any female attentio is good right? Even it’s a fake girl. Probably a dude or one of my friends. Haha.

I think that sums me up . my mind up.. my anxiety stress etc blah bluck poo faa haa gaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sirll there . Here. Might not stop butIknow it will eventuallllyy Next weekI’ll be crying over something different. Maybe tomorrow, who knows? All I know is that I will survivie. Isn’t that right Gloria Gaynor?


Good Day Bad Day

July 17, 2010

I woke up today in a great mood. For no reason. I didn’t even do my morning meditations yet. I was friendly to my mother as I made my coffee as apposed to the usual grumpiness I express with my “leave me alone” face. I did my morning meditations and drank some reheated coffee from last night as I waited for the fresh coffee to brew. I smoked on my grueling hot porch and it didn’t seem to bother me today. I jumped right into the project I started last night.

I decided that while I am waiting for the designer to finish up the designs for my novel that I would move on to another project. I actually have two more book projects. First I started to collect my poetry, stories and journals from the past six years into a book. I started to work on that while I was waiting to get the photo shoot together for the book cover for Yellow Socks. Second I found the disc with all of my Serial killer Coloring Books on there a few weeks ago. The problem is that they are in PDF files formatted for an 11 x 17 magazine. I had to figure a way to convert them to a Microsoft Word document or jpg. Thank God for google. I found an online converter that was free and started with the first issue of my Serial Killer Coloring Book.

I spent last night converting the first issue and all of today cropping and resizing the files for uploading to be published. Today I jumped right into cropping the pics and saving them. I was having a great time.

The cleaning lady came over and didn’t annoy me like she usually does. I was more cordial that usual to her. The mailman was friendly. Even the lawn care guys didn’t bother me. I was on a roll.

My friend stopped by for our weekly twelve step reading and talking. That went well. We were both in god spirits. He left after an hour or so stay then I went back to work on the editing and cropping. It was going well until the internet kept going in and out and I was having problems with my power cord on my computer. Even though it’s a laptop I try and keep it plugged in even if I’m out on the porch. It kept going in and out. I started to get frustrated between the internet and the power cord. I didn’t want to take a break until I finished my project. I was debating on and off going to the Apple store but it’s Saturday and it’s in the mall. I hate malls especially on a Saturday and after working in one for so many years. I thought I got the cord to work and a half an hour later it went out again. Fuck it. I grabbed my laptop, my cords and the box I bought it in and off to the Apple store I went. To the dreaded mall I drove.

The store was crowded as usual but I got service right away. I had to speak to a specialist and he figured out I needed a new cord and replaced free of charge. He also cleaned the almost two years of filth of f of my keyboard and screen for me. I love the Apple store. I love my Macbook.

Luckily there is an entrance and exit right across from the store so I didn’t have to deal with too many people. I walked down the deserted hallway getting a cigarette ready to smoke and then I saw Nancy. Nancy is a cook at the Bistro. The restaurant that fired me. Actually she makes the salads. She was happy to see me and me her. She is a cute chubby Mexican girl in her mid twenties. I always liked her. Her English isn’t the best but she tries real hard and it improved a lot since I first met her.

I asked her if she was happy. She started to cry and tell me how much she hates her job. It gets too busy and she needs help keeping up with the orders. She said the manager yells at her a lot. I felt bad. I hugged her. She looked so lost and confused. I hate to see a woman cry. I almost wanted to cry. I tried to explain to her that I hated my job there too because I didn’t like it when It was busy. She had trouble understanding. I wanted to grab her and take her home with me and take care of her. If I could have I would have.

It was huge reminder of how lucky I am that I am not working there. Even though I have no job, it beats the job I had. Most people hate their jobs but not this much. It was crazy the amount of work and energy I put in when it was busy. I had countless panic and anxiety attacks while trying to keep up with the constant order taking, serving food and cleaning tables while the next party was waiting. Sometimes I’d have four or five parties sit at tables before I had a chance to even think about cleaning them. I thank Nancy for the reminder. I also will pray for her. She was so sad.

My life went on for the day. I went window-shopping at Best Buy for cameras and video cameras. I wasted a lot of the sales girl’s time because the one I wanted wasn’t compatible to a Mac. I left and went to Starbucks. I was still a little anxious and sad.

Once I got home I felt a lot better again. I was back to work on my projects. I kept in mind that my mood will pass and it did. It always does. Sometimes it just takes a little longer than others.

Hopefully, I’ll have a few books published within the next month and then I’ll probably keep moving along. Hmm. I already forgot about Nancy. No I didn’t. I hope she finds happiness too.


Chainsaw Suicide

June 10, 2010

I knew Nadia briefly when we worked together at Starbucks. She was a decent barista but a real good person. When everyone else was making fun of me or avoiding me she was always nice and sometimes even flirted with me. I guess you could say I had a little crush on her. She was a petite girl with beautiful brownish hazel eyes and long dark hair she kept tied up at work. I never saw her out of her Starbucks uniform but imagined her to have a nice body. I never had the balls to ask her out even though we took breaks together and ate lunch together.

That was years ago and I haven’t thought much about her in years until I was reading the paper the other day. There was an article with a headline that read “Chainsaw suicide 27 year old Nadia Clifford takes her own life with a chainsaw.” I was shocked and I cried a bit. Wow. I knew her and what a way to go. After the shock wore down a little and I finished the article I realized it never explained how she pulled that off.

How does one kill them selves with a chainsaw? Did she hold it in front of her and chop off her own head? Did she thrust it into her chest? Did she secure it on a table and run head first into it? Or run neck first? Chest first? Maybe she secured it on a table and ran backwards into it so she didn’t have to see it coming? I wanted to know for some morbid reason. I needed to know.

I wrote the newspaper and haven’t heard back yet. I was going to look up her family and ask them but that would be in bad taste. The funeral is this week maybe I’ll go and see if I can find out there.

I should be praying for her family. I should be wondering why a nice young good-looking woman would end her own life. I should be mourning her in some way but I just keep wondering how does someone commit a chainsaw suicide? My curiosity will probably never be satisfied.

NOTE: I just googled “chainsaw suicide” and there apparently many cases of this form of killing one’s self. I thought I’d heard about everything.


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