Catch of the Day

August 10, 2010

“She want’s me”  My friend used to say.

“She just doesn’t know it yet.” He’d say right after.

I’m on a mailing list of a few “pick up artists” sites. I subscribed a long time ago when I thought I needed help meeting women. Well, maybe I did. I just didn’t practice their principles in all of my affairs. Ha. I did need help at times but they didn’t always have the answers. I even read a book called the Game which was more of a good read than a “how to” guide. It was the author’s story of how he got involved at first as research to write a book and he got sucked into the “pick up” scene. Remember that show that ran briefly on VH1, The Pick Up Artist? Mystery, the star of the show was also the central character in the book.  The book takes in the human factors despite the fact that they call it a “game” and the “pick up artists” play these games. The nature of men and women are different and our needs and wants are different. Deep down we are no different than primitive man. We’ve been conditioned to act accordingly to what our society dictates and dating, relationships and sex have become more obscure and difficult as far as communications go. Obviously, my initial interest in the subject wasn’t to learn human behavior but I am interested in that too.

Personally, I’ve been highly successful at times with the opposite sex at times and I’ve had rough patches other times It always depends on my own self worth and self-esteem. When I was young man my self-esteem was based on how much a woman liked me. I had this idealized concept that if all women didn’t think I was attractive then I was no one. I was a loser. I grew out of that theory but still had spurts of low self-esteem. Maybe I still do. I just don’t care as much these days.

I still receive these emails from various “pick Up” sites with articles and then they want me to buy something. Sometimes I delete them without reading them sometimes I read them if the subject is catchy. Ha. Catchy. That’s what caught my eye the other day. The subject read “Are You a ‘Catch’ to Women?” I wanted to find out and I opened the email. It was interesting. They defined a “catch” as a “high status” male. A high status male is a man that has his shit together and has many qualities that women desire. Of course that varies depending on the woman.  I sat down and thought about it. I wonder if I am a “catch” to women.

Over all I have to say that I am a “catch”. Not to all women like I fantasized as a young man but in some women’s eyes. More importantly I am a “catch” in my eyes. I can look in the mirror on most days and think or even say out loud “you’re alright, Richy boy.”  Or something like that. Ha. Not to sound conceited or cocky but I do like myself today. I like the way I look, dress, act, and feel on most God given days.

I feel uncomfortable writing it like this for several reasons. Fist of all it might ruin my “self loathing” image that I seem to portray in my writing and spoken word. When I write about my spiritual or mental sufferings they are true human experiences that are only a small part of me. They are not the entire make up of Rich Hillen Jr. I tend to feel more motivated to write when I’m in a bad mood, upset about something or depressed than when I’m happy and confident. Second, I don’t want to come off as cocky. There’s a huge difference between being cocky and being confident yet there is a thin line between them. I don’t think I’m better than anyone. I’m simply aware of my strengths and weaknesses and feel confident most of the time. Also, feel slightly embarrassed to be reading articles from the so-called “pick up artists”. Who wants to admit that? That is one of my strengths and weaknesses. I am honest with what’s on my mind at least when I know what’s going on.

Hopefully, I’ll be the “catch of the day” for you today if not “there’s plenty of fish in the sea”


Women & Me

June 14, 2010

I’d rather be rejected than not know or be avoided entirely. I don’t even look at like a rejection anymore. It’s more like a “I’m not interested in you in that way” kind of thing. I’ve been in and am on the other side of that a lot and I wish I had the guts to be upfront. How do you tell someone you are not interested? That’s why I ask directly if I can’t tell. I should go with my gut. If I’m not sure and I can’t tell then 99.9 % of the time she isn’t interested in me. Otherwise it can become an unnecessary distracting obsession. Not the specific girl. It’s the question of whether she likes me that can consume me.

I’m too old and in too good of a place in my head lately to waste time obsessing over girls and playing games. Girls. Ha. I mean women. Even though I don’t have a “career” oriented job, hell, I have no job right now, and I don’t have a lot of money I am pretty confidant in who I am on most days. I’m an artist first and foremost and that’s given me problems in the past and it’s also given me great pleasure and self esteem. I am constantly involved in some kind of creative project and it keeps me confident in who and what I am.

So as far as dating goes, I’ve been taking it with a grain of salt. I talk to women that I’m interested in and sometimes vice versa. It either works or it doesn’t and I move on. Hopefully, I make a new friend or in some cases maintain a friendship I already had. This doesn’t hold true all of the time. Sometimes in moments of weakness I may obsess a little here and there but who doesn’t, right? Overall I’m at least trying to enjoy people for who they are and move on from there. It’s been fun and I’ve been growing as a person and an artist.


He Pushed Me Away

June 3, 2010

I wrote the following on Sunday December 13th 2009:

I was paid a visit by my former self. The one from a few years ago that was constantly creative and productive and full of life and charisma and confidence. He looked amazing in his cowboy hat and wife beater and jeans and boots. We sat down and had some coffee and smoked cigarettes and chatted for a while. The meeting started with small talk like “what have you been up to?” and “How’s your family and friends?” and things like that.

Then we got down to the nitty gritty.

“Why did you leave me?” I asked,

“I thought you left me.” he said.

“No, man. You pushed me away when you started seeing a Psychiatrist and taking medications.”

“That’s when I thought you ran away to leave me to deal with this shit on my own.”

“You further abandoned me when you started abusing the pain pills and went to less and less AA meetings and working your AA program.”

“Really?”

I thought about this for while sipping my hot coffee and taking long drags on my cigarette. Maybe he’s right. Maybe I did leave him. Maybe with everything that was going on I just gave up on him and wanted less and less to do with him.”

“You turned into the walking dead, man. All drugged up and barely making it to work or anywhere else. I’m surprised you still have friends and family.” He said.

“Hmmm. I did lose a girlfriend and almost lost my job.” I said
“See. You left me in the dust, Rich.” He said.

“What do you think I should do about it? Do you want to come back to me? Be together again?”

“Nah, man. Not yet. You’re not ready for me yet. You’ve got bills out of your ass. You’ve got too much anxiety and depression for me to handle. You have issues with women and sex. You just got a year sober a little while ago. You need some heavy duty work before I’d consider being part of your life again.”

“But I miss you terribly sometimes. I don’t feel complete without you sometimes.”

“Well, if you don’t take care of your sobriety and mental health properly then there’s no chance of me getting involved with you again.”

He had so much energy and confidence in what he was saying and it hit me hard. He’s right. I do need to work on myself harder. Work the 12 steps in my life more. Settle my debts. Get a decent Psychiatrist that’s not going to Zombie me out yet help me with my depression and anxiety and Bipolar disorder. I need an emotional, physical and spiritual over haul. I agreed with him.

“You deserve better than this. You deserve to have me back but you’re not ready yet. Yet.” He said.

He left into the rainy day like he was never here. Yet, I thought. At least there was a glimmer of hope in voice.

So, here I sit smoking and drinking coffee contemplating the conversation. I think I’ll pray on it and see what tomorrow brings. Meanwhile, I’ll be the best new Rich I can be today. Just for today.


Let’s Spend the Night Together

May 26, 2010

She told me that she thought I seemed desperate.


“Baby, I’m not desperate. I’m honest, to the point and I know what I want.” I said.

I can’t believe that these words were coming out of my mouth but it’s the way I felt. It’s the way I feel.

I used to be desperate. I was desperate for love. I was desperate for sex. I was desperate to be liked in any way possible. These feelings passed through the years as I’ve been rejected so many times and had so many successes. I’ve been on top of the world of love and I’ve been put through the ringer.

My confidence is back up after a year or so of getting my head together from all of the crap I’ve dealt with. I’m finally feeling good about myself because I’m taking care of myself these days. I purposely kept away from relationships and entanglements and now I’m ready. I think I’m ready. I’m ready to try.

I know what I want in a woman today. I know what I don’t want. I’m also not necessarily ready to jump in to anything too fast. Casual encounters are fine too. I have no fear of rejection. I have nothing to lose. So, I’ve been going for it

If I have an interest in a woman then I let her know and ask her out and see where it goes from there. I get to the point and I don’t care about the results. It’s a great feeling after spending years obsessing or being afraid. I feel free.

“Well here’s my number. Call or text me or something!” she said.


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