New Document

December 21, 2010

A new document. When I open my Word program to start writing or open an old document sometimes the program forces me tochoose “open new document.” It’s like a sign that I should be writing something new. With each new document I am starting over in a sense. It at least gives me the opportunity to start over. I am tempted to compare it to life. Each new day is a new document. I have a choice to open it and start new or go back to old documents and finish or dwell on what’s past.

 

As in real life I choose to ignore the chance to start fresh and go back into my old documents and try and finish writings that are either obsolete or are going nowhere. Hmmm.. Just like my life.

 

Here I am choosing to start my new document I find myself unsure of where I am going to go. Hmmm. Just like life. I put my nose to the proverbial grind stone and my shoulder to the wheel and move forward.

 

Being a writer is not a choice for me anymore. It’s like my other roles in life. My illnesses, my addictions, etc. I loose the choice of what I am bit I can make the proper changes to adjust to new situations. Ooooooo. I am such a deep dude. *sarcastic laughter under my breath*

 

I make choices every day against my better judgment. I know right form wrong and  times out of 10 I choose the wrong. I know I can learn from my mistakes and I choose not to on a daily basis. Ironically it all catches up to me and I change and I grow against my own will. I make better choices slowly and move forward to the next level of my life even slower.

 

I used to have these delusional fantasies about tomorrow when I was younger. “Tomorrow is the day I am going to wake up and be completely different. I am going to cut my hair, shave, get that perfect job, fid that perfect love and make the start of my new life.” Every day I’d wake up and put it off until tomorrow. It’s different now.

 

Everyday, for the most part, I get up and take it as it comes and try and do one thing different. Just one thing. As easy as it sounds it can be a struggle as well.

 

I believe in slow change now. I believe that life changing events and rude awakenings don’t last. I’ve found this to be true personally. I’ve had a lot of my delusional “epiphanies” and then I go back to the old me somewhere along the line. The real changes and growth periods, the ones that stick come from daily maintenance and in baby steps. One little thing at a time. I don’t think I’d want it any other way at this point.

 

I’ve gone through a major transformation the past few years and it was slow and sometimes painful. Someone asked me after a book reading I did the other day “what would I change in my past if I had a choice?” I can honestly say “not one thing.” I know how I am now. I don’t know what I would have been like otherwise. I’ll take now.

 

I can accept my daily choice of a “new document” or finishing an old one. It’s my choice and I know from the bottom of my heart that I’m going to be ok either way.

 

Hmmm.. This is no longer a new document. How about that?

 

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Want What I Have?

September 29, 2010

“I had a person say to me “I don’t want what you have” so I said “How do you think I feel?”” this guy shared at a meeting once. It was funny yet it made so much sense to me. Sometimes I don’t even want what I have. Ya know? Do you? I think most of us live in between happiness and unhappiness. It’s as if everyone has a little bipolar disorder in them. Not literally but everyone has ups and downs in life. Some if us have it in extremes.

If you ask me how I feel right now I’d tell you that I am a fucking mess. I’d list my problems that I’ve mentioned in previous blogs. Well, depending who you are. If you’re the mailman, next door neighbor or the guy that works at 7-11 I’d tell you everything is fine. Actually once I’m in public I feel ok but then I feel bad when I am alone again. I’m also sick of talking about it with most of my friends because I haven’t been good for a while. You might even be sick of reading about it as well. Are you?

Overall, I am usually a positive spiritual person with a deviant warped sense of humor and odd interests. It is a struggle lately to balance my spirituality with my mental breakdowns and anxiety. I start every day with prayer, meditation and medications. The first hour or 2 start off find and I feel fairly spiritually fit. Then reality kicks in and I panic. I choke. I find it hard to function on a daily basis. Every day is a slow progression to a freak out. I get a few things done towards moving. 2 days left before I have to clear the house. As the day goes on I feel more anxiety until I can’t take it anymore. The next day is a little worse.

The part I hate about everything right now is that I feel all alone. I try to talk to people about it and they either pretend that they understand or change the subject. The other thing is a lot of my friends offered to help me and then when push comes to shove they don’t. I had 3 different people offer to help me move heavy furniture out to the trash yesterday and they all bailed. No one wants to help me move or pack and I can’t blame them. They’ve helped a lot in the past. I did it myself. Today I moved all of the heavy furniture to be moved downstairs from my 3rd floor bedroom so when and if my one friend comes on Friday it’ll be easier. It also cleared the floor so I can finish packing. I know this isn’t a big deal in real life but in my head it’s overwhelming. Ugh.

Seems like I can write all I want about it and the feelings don’t change. Usually writing helps but it’s just a momentary distraction like everything I do.

My point is that I have no point. Ha. Actually, I’m trying to say that I don’t want what I have right now so it’s tough to talk or communicate with people and function at all. I know in my heart that it will all pass. This too shall pass. I have to go through with the feelings and move on through it. I know there’s a spirit of some kind with me at all times but I’m just not feeling him right now.

Tune in next time when the writer says “Life is grand. I’m happy joyous and free.”


If The Underground Becomes Mainstream then the Mainstream must be the New Underground

July 28, 2010

Is it just my rebelliousness or am I just a living contradiction? I keep going back and forth with the things that interest me. One minute I’ll like it and the next I don’t like it. The reasons I start not liking things is usually because of the popularity of it or the individuals that I’ve met that are into these things.

When the “Underground”. “Subversives”, “Freaks”, and everything considered “Subculture” become “hip” and acceptable to mainstream it makes me less interested. Meeting the people in any click or group that use whatever it is they are interested in to make themselves look or feel cool really turns me off. It’s like that in any scene I guess. Every group has clicks and there are a couple people in them that aren’t like that one on one. I guess the whole click mentality is something I don’t want any part of anymore.

There was a time I wanted to be hip and part of the scene. I was briefly. I found the people to be uninteresting for the most part. I dropped out and did my own thing.

I love horror movies. Lately, I am less interested in going to the conventions or talking about the movies. It’s like everyone’s jumped on the bandwagon and it suddenly turns me off. I’ve been going to these things for over ten years and now because there are conventions closer to my area everyone is going. For some reason that turns me off. It’s just another scene to me now.

I used to love getting tattoos. I got what I wanted and covered my upper arms with them. I even started pretty late on this but it was for me not to be part of anything. The more people I see covered in tattoos the less I want one. I used to go to tattoo conventions and I am less interested now. I lost interest in them. I have 2 gift certificates I received over 3 years ago and haven’t turned them in. Sometimes I even regret having my tattoos. It’s just another scene to me now.

I love sideshows. You know with sword swallowing, fire breathing, bug eating, human blockheads etc. I wanted to be part of that scene for years. I loved traveling to Coney Island, NY to the Sideshow by the Seashore and watch once a year or so. Again after hanging out with the people and seeing it get more popular and mainstream I lost interest. It’s just another scene to me now.

I love Burlesque and pin-up models. Again I get to know them and see the same clicks as I’ve mentioned before I get turned off. The modern revival is becoming too popular. It’s just another scene.

My interest in serial killers has lessened too. I’ve really lost all interest in this one even though I ironically sing about them when I perform my solo acoustic act every so often. I don’t know if it was the popularity factor on this one or I just simply lost interest. John Marr, creator and author of the infamous comic Murder Can Be Fun(not the guitarist or the Smiths) once told me that after years of writing about serial killers it became a formula. Filling the blank serial killer killed fill in the blank number of prostitutes using fill in the blank method. It was the most difficult kind of scene to pin down to type of person but it is just another scene.

I used to love comic books. Superhero comic books especially and I gave them up years ago when everyone started collecting thinking it would make them money. Don’t get me wrong a lot people collect them because they love to read them. Once I saw the popularity grow I stopped reading and going to conventions until I published my own. It’s just another scene.

My list goes on and on. I still like tattoos, Burlesque, sideshows, comic books, and horror movies. Sometimes I hate all of these things. I’m probably going to piss off some people reading this that may be part of a scene that I mentioned but then again if you’re the type of person to take the time to read my writings then you are probably and individual whether you are part of that scene or not.

I have a lot of friends with these interests and in these scenes and many other scenes that I totally love and respect. I’m just expressing how I feel which is on and off day by day concerning my own interests.


Change and Serial Murder

July 21, 2010

Change. Like it or not I change. I grow even when I don’t want to. Sometimes I slip down and fall and have to climb back up but it’s still a change and it always leads to more growth. They say hindsight is 20/20 but I disagree. Personally, my hindsight is delusional. I look back and see things better than they really were. Thank God I’m a writer. Thank God I can look back and read what I was thinking and how I was behaving in the past. Thank God I have friends and family that remind me of what I was.

One of my close friends is always telling stories about things I did to him in the past. Not to put me down but because he finds the humor in it now. I don’t even remember half of the stories until he is halfway through. He was a less tolerant person full of anxiety and I apparently was an insensitive prankster. I won’t tell you the specifics because: a) they aren’t important and b) you might talk to him one day.

The reason this topic came to mind today is that I am going through my infamous Serial Killer Coloring Books and looking at these sometimes vivid drawings I did and the drawings the murderers have done and the crimes they have committed. I am compiling all of the issues into one book and have been going through them page by page looking and reading. I was shocked by some of the things that I’ve said and the drawings I’ve done. Imagine that. Me? Shocked. It happens. It made me question whether I want to re-publish it or forget about it. I worked so hard on those comics that I hate to see it go to waste. I poured my heart and soul into it.

I’ve spent years defending myself as to why I took an interest in serial killers enough to draw, write and form a band that sings about them. I understood why completely. Even in my delusional state of mind I have some awareness of what’s really going on in my head and heart. I always looked at what I did as an over the top exploitation of the exploitation of murder and true crime. I never thought that they were cool like I’ve been accused of. The truth of the matter is that I was secretly identifying with the serial killer. I didn’t identify with the desire to murder but with the common obsession and addiction. I have many addictions but most are harmful to myself. I have no desire or even fantasy of raping, murdering or cannibalism. I found it fascinating that there are real life “monsters” out there that not only fantasize but act out on it. Why? What makes them different?

I’ve believed that anyone could be a serial killer under certain circumstances. We are all just one gene or one spanking in our childhood away from it. I have mental illness in my natural family genes so of course I have a mental illness. A treatable one. A controllable one but I still have it. After being raised by a paranoid schizophrenic mother for 8 years I found  myself seeking other “crazy people in my life especially girlfriends.

As I grow older I find myself dealing with my issues and growing away from it. I’ve also lost interest in serial killers. I don’t write about them or draw them or even think about them except when I perform because most of my songs are about them. I look at it differently now. Now I’m going through some of my drawings and I can’t believe that I’m the same person.

The big question on my mind is do I abandon my previous creations? Ignore them like they never happened. My gut tells me to embrace my past and everything I’ve created good and bad. I don’t really think that anything I’ve done has brought any bad energy or karma into the world. I still don’t think that writing, drawing or singing about murder is going to influence anyone negatively or make them do bad things unless they are already inclined to do so. I used to say “serial killers don’t have time to read about or listen to songs about serial killers. They’re too busy serial killing.” It’s true. True crime buffs don’t commit murders. It’s usually the seemingly “nice” guy that lives next door to you, sits next to you at work, rides the train with you to work, cooks your food at a restaurant or maybe even your lover or family member.

There has always been an internal struggle with me as to letting go or holding back in my creative endeavors. I’ve mentioned this over and over. I always come to the same decision. I always do the same thing. I decide that I will be an open book and talk and write about anything and then I hold things back anyway. Sometimes I censor and sometimes I don’t. Hopefully, my work is appreciated either way. Hopefully, I keep appreciating my work either way. After all, I am my biggest critic and my biggest fan.


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