Blink

June 15, 2012

 

Angela was over again and we were happy for the minute. My parents were there from the dead and from the life. I haven’t seen my dead father since the last time I dreamed he was alive. He had never died in the last one. This time I knew he died and came back over and over. Sometimes I acknowledged he was back from the dead. Like this one. They were mad at me and they kept riding my ass. Angela was there and I didn’t want to say or do anything stupid so of course I did. I started screaming at my parents about all and nothing. When my father started back on me I yelled back.

 

“Yeah, well you’re the one that keeps coming back from the dead!” I screamed.

 

Angela was crying. Everything stopped. I felt so bad.

 

“You know I hate when you yell at your parents. You know I have problems with that.” She said.

 

Angela walked to my porch as if she was leaving. I kept apologizing to her and turned my head to apologize to my parents.  I felt so bad my knees cracked with tears. My bones trembled with fear of loss of what I might have had if only I was a tolerant kinder person. She. She was breaking up with me and I was helpless like in those dreams when I find my self naked in the middle of a department store.

 

Blink.

 

Angela and I are at an old movie theater and all is swell. Swollen you can say. I said. No kinks in the love. All smiles whilst holding hands like professional lovers that have been at this game longer than each of us has lived. I catch her catching me catching her looking at me and we laugh until we smell smoke. Someone burnt popcorn I thought. Flames came up through the floors I carried her down the charred rippled weak stairway to uncertainty. She held me tight with a magical look of “if we go down at least it’s together.” We made it just in time as the Fire People squirted. Squirted the last flame out.

 

Out of nowhere a white man dressed as Jimi Hendrix appears in the lobby as Angela and I are trying to leave the burnt building. It turns out to be my friend Tony and he is with Rolland and Jesse. I didn’t question why he was dressed in his garb or colored face. I accept too many things at face value (no pun intended) too much. Too many times. Like why was I with this beautiful girl as my eternal lover out of the blue pink and red?

 

“I wonder if I can buy the posters and movie star cut outs in the movie theater?” Rolland asked with no greetings or concern of our health or the fire.

 

Jesse was silent and patted us on the back with a “it’s going to be ok” vibe.

 

It was ok. I still had a friend and I had Angela.

 

I’m so grateful in my dreams.


A POEM: Solutions & Survival

July 4, 2011

Back to the up all night and no sleep routine. It’s an old act I developed in high school or was it college? Not a stand-up comedy routine. Could be at this point because if I don’t laugh I’ll cry.

 

Cry. Soft whimpering cries. Loud screaming cries.

 

No dies. Not yet.

 

Tired wired eyes. I doze off then wake up. I wake up I doze off.

 

I tried to eat my worries last night and I couldn’t keep them down.

 

I’m hungry then I can’t eat. Can’t sleep. What can I do?

 

My body rejects my denial and forces me to think. Think. Think

 

I slept earlier yesterday after a panic attack. Anxiety attack. Anxiety went into cruise control and got into an accident with my insides and outsides. I was inside. Inside.

 

I slept yesterday. It was a dream. Not the sleep. It was dream to sleep. The day before I slept. Slept early. Awoke early.

 

Productive. Creative. Happy. Happy.

 

Today and last night and some other nights the pains in my face drove me to a painkiller. Kill the pain. Kill pain.

 

Kills pain. I can’t sleep. Can’t sleep. I dream of sleep. Dream sleep.

 

Remember the night owl I once was? I wanted to be? Proud to be?

No worries.

 

Worries. Problems. Dilemmas. Solutions.

Solutions.  Think. Think man, think. A Solution. Solutions.

 

Solution? Not there yet. Not sure I’m anywhere yet. Had one or two or three or more. Solutions. Each solution is kicked out of the way by a bigger worry. Bigger problem. Bigger dilemma.

 

I cry. I laugh. I get outraged. I am sensitive. Sensitive artist. Bah.. Starving artist. Bah..

 

I go away for a minute. Two maybe three. Minutes. I am surrounded by love and sex and fantasies I make up as they float through my dreams.

 

I get home to an empty fridge and a coffee table cluttered with reminders of my worries. I scramble for solutions. I do what I can to solve the worries, problems and dilemmas.

 

Productive. Creative. Happy?

 

Not sure. Doubt. Hope. In between.

 

Go forward. Move ahead. Back to the taxi. Whip it.

 

Maybe I will. Whip it. Whip it good.

 

I win even If I lose.

I survive. Survive.

 


A Watched Pot Never Boils or Adventures in Model Photography

July 1, 2011

Patience.

Good things come for those who wait.

They say a watched pot never boils.

I say a watched cock never erects (that is a story for another time)

I’ve been trying to get this new website going for months. I don’t want to reveal too much about it until it’s up and running and maybe successful. I have an outline of the site and the name. The concept is there. I have tech guys ready to help when I am ready. I even bought a camera so I don’t have to depend on my photographer friends. The missing ingredients are photographs of models. I even have several friends that have either verbally or written interest and commitment to helping me out modeling. They love the concept and are perfect for the parts. None of them have followed through after several months until the other day.

When I came up with the idea of the site my friend was ready to go and partner up with me. I was a bit anti-social and didn’t take advantage when she was ready to go. Then it took me months to get a hold of her and set a date. Meanwhile, she switched boyfriends and the new one is jealous and got mad when I hung out with her a couple weeks ago. This guy is jealous with her every waking moment.

She was advised by others to model for me if she wants to and not to tell him. I prefer boyfriends, girlfriends, fiancés, wives and husbands to at least know and hopefully approve and support the model. We set up our first shoot anyway. I had to pick her up a block away from her apartment because she lives near friends of her boyfriends.

We did the location scouting on the fly and did the shoot gorilla style. We both liked that. A sense of adventure and not knowing what we were doing next. We knew what outfits but not the poses and places. We played in trash, fake blood, pantyhose, the woods and an out door fire pit. Just to give you the idea of adventure we had. We were done in a couple of hours and headed back to her place. Then another ball dropped. Her boyfriend called and said he was coming over in 20 minutes.

Of course I got lost driving her and dropped her off just in time to clean up. In the haste I handed her my bag instead of hers. She had my lap top, camera and other valuables that for some reason I thought I couldn’t leave without. She suggested I stay in the area and we’ll exchange bags when he leaves her house. I headed to a local bar to kill time. After an hour or so she texted me to tell me he’s spending the night and we’ll have to exchange in the morning. I tried to get her to figure a way out of the house and do the exchange. I eventually accepted that I’d have to go the 12 long hours without my precious lap top. I realized the insanity.

I decided to stay at the bar since I was already making one-night friends and the bartender was hot. She even gave me a free roast beef sandwich. One guy who has been playing in dart throwing leagues for over 30 years played a few games with me and taught me how to throw. He kicked my ass.

I went home, slept, got up and off I went to rescue my bag. I’m not sure I want to work wither as long as she has a jealous boyfriend. We’ll see how that goes.

Now the other models set up dates and times then can’t do it for whatever reasons. Each one is a legit reason but it’s been frustrating as hell. I’ve made it this far so I’ll keep trying until I have at least 3 or 4 models shot until I launch the site. See you then.


Life is Changing and Changing

November 14, 2010

Life is changing and changing. I heard that if your not changing and growing then you are dying. If you are a creative person and you are not creating then you are dying. The past few months have been different to say the least. The past few years have been unusually different to say the most. Some days I’m so focused on  my goals and dreams and other days I’m off the races in my mind and can’t function. I don’t know f I am growing but I am changing.

It seems like I keep waking up and everything that has happened in my life was a dream. Good dream and bad dream. One day I’m living in an apartment I can’t afford even though I had a job and I was whacked out on pain meds, psych meds and life in general the next day I’m clean and sober with less Psych meds living with my parents helping my sick father who eventually died. Then I’m in house with my mother and I lose my job but I have money in the bank and a little unemployment coming my way so it was comfortable.

I published not just one novel but three books within a moth. I felt great creatively and spiritually. I believe those are connected. Life is rolling along one day at a time. Then the pressure starts hitting me to think about a career. A job. Something. My mother and my friends think it’s time I go to work. I secretly disagreed.

What I thought was an epiphany turned out to be a fantasy and an unrealistic reality. I thought that I wanted ot get into Drug and Alcohol counseling. I talked to some people and researched half assedly. I found out I needed two years of recovery to get into the particular places I was looking for. I used it as an excuse not ot look for anything else.

I woke up one day and I am suddenly renting a house from a friend and out of my mom’s house. I still have no job and my savings are dwindling. No muney and more bills. I have a house mate. We started a business venture that may or may not pay off but we at least started it.

I went form no job plenty of money living with mom creating every day to sharing a house with a friend and business partner with no job and no money and less motivation to write and create. My energies are in the business. No income is expected for a while but I refuse to work. Sure I do a little part time work for an uncle but nothing serious.

My anxiety levels and agoraphobia keep me house ridden for days sometimes. I hate socializing. What happened to “good time Charlie” as an old friend once called me?

It seems I went from mr social guy to hermit overnight. It did take years. Some say it’s part of me growing up. Some say it’s my mental problems. Some say “get a job, ya bum”. Some say nothing at all. What can they say?

It’s not easy being human. I was going ot say me but I know everyone has problems. They just don’t wear them on their sleeves or like merit badges on their chest like I do sometimes.

I never thought that I’d be at a place in my life where I refused to look for a job. I’m not sure if it’s stubbornness, fear, my determination to succeed in other areas, or my mental illness and anxiety.

I went from having a job and lots of money living with my mother to no job, no money, paying rent etc. I keep waking up everyday in a different state of mind with a different focus and different awareness. I wonder who am I? Where am I going? What am I doing? Then I run away and hide in other thoughts that either thrill me or upset me fro the day.

The only thing I know is that tomorrow is another day. I never know what is around the corner and if I at least try at life I will feel a live. I hope. I always have hope.


Unusual and Semi-Offensive Advertising Photos

September 23, 2010

I surf the internet way too much. I have a lot of time on my hands and have ADD and I’m bipolar so my attention span is limited sometimes. I do a lot of things at once. I start writing for a while ten check my email then got to facebook and then go to YouTube and I’m all over the place in a span of a few hours. I do manage to get things finished. Thank God.

One of he things I do is look around for weird articles and weird photographs and I find some interesting things along the way as you may have noticed from my articles and blogs.

I recently found some advertising campaigns and images promoting products that I found interesting and definitely off the wall.

Instead of talking about them I’ll show them. Most are self explanatory.

The Japanese advertising campaign for the Nano.

This one cracks me up. I have no idea how a photo of women laughing at a guy Lifting weights will motivate you to join Gold’s Gym but I like it.

Yahoo keeps it real simple. Naked girl on the Yahoo home page. Now this is promoting.

A Trojan Condom ad from Japan. This is a pretty gross way of selling a condom.  “Look. The condom even holds up filled with semen.” There’s a selling point to consider.

McDonald’s. Nuff said.


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