Good Day Bad Day

July 17, 2010

I woke up today in a great mood. For no reason. I didn’t even do my morning meditations yet. I was friendly to my mother as I made my coffee as apposed to the usual grumpiness I express with my “leave me alone” face. I did my morning meditations and drank some reheated coffee from last night as I waited for the fresh coffee to brew. I smoked on my grueling hot porch and it didn’t seem to bother me today. I jumped right into the project I started last night.

I decided that while I am waiting for the designer to finish up the designs for my novel that I would move on to another project. I actually have two more book projects. First I started to collect my poetry, stories and journals from the past six years into a book. I started to work on that while I was waiting to get the photo shoot together for the book cover for Yellow Socks. Second I found the disc with all of my Serial killer Coloring Books on there a few weeks ago. The problem is that they are in PDF files formatted for an 11 x 17 magazine. I had to figure a way to convert them to a Microsoft Word document or jpg. Thank God for google. I found an online converter that was free and started with the first issue of my Serial Killer Coloring Book.

I spent last night converting the first issue and all of today cropping and resizing the files for uploading to be published. Today I jumped right into cropping the pics and saving them. I was having a great time.

The cleaning lady came over and didn’t annoy me like she usually does. I was more cordial that usual to her. The mailman was friendly. Even the lawn care guys didn’t bother me. I was on a roll.

My friend stopped by for our weekly twelve step reading and talking. That went well. We were both in god spirits. He left after an hour or so stay then I went back to work on the editing and cropping. It was going well until the internet kept going in and out and I was having problems with my power cord on my computer. Even though it’s a laptop I try and keep it plugged in even if I’m out on the porch. It kept going in and out. I started to get frustrated between the internet and the power cord. I didn’t want to take a break until I finished my project. I was debating on and off going to the Apple store but it’s Saturday and it’s in the mall. I hate malls especially on a Saturday and after working in one for so many years. I thought I got the cord to work and a half an hour later it went out again. Fuck it. I grabbed my laptop, my cords and the box I bought it in and off to the Apple store I went. To the dreaded mall I drove.

The store was crowded as usual but I got service right away. I had to speak to a specialist and he figured out I needed a new cord and replaced free of charge. He also cleaned the almost two years of filth of f of my keyboard and screen for me. I love the Apple store. I love my Macbook.

Luckily there is an entrance and exit right across from the store so I didn’t have to deal with too many people. I walked down the deserted hallway getting a cigarette ready to smoke and then I saw Nancy. Nancy is a cook at the Bistro. The restaurant that fired me. Actually she makes the salads. She was happy to see me and me her. She is a cute chubby Mexican girl in her mid twenties. I always liked her. Her English isn’t the best but she tries real hard and it improved a lot since I first met her.

I asked her if she was happy. She started to cry and tell me how much she hates her job. It gets too busy and she needs help keeping up with the orders. She said the manager yells at her a lot. I felt bad. I hugged her. She looked so lost and confused. I hate to see a woman cry. I almost wanted to cry. I tried to explain to her that I hated my job there too because I didn’t like it when It was busy. She had trouble understanding. I wanted to grab her and take her home with me and take care of her. If I could have I would have.

It was huge reminder of how lucky I am that I am not working there. Even though I have no job, it beats the job I had. Most people hate their jobs but not this much. It was crazy the amount of work and energy I put in when it was busy. I had countless panic and anxiety attacks while trying to keep up with the constant order taking, serving food and cleaning tables while the next party was waiting. Sometimes I’d have four or five parties sit at tables before I had a chance to even think about cleaning them. I thank Nancy for the reminder. I also will pray for her. She was so sad.

My life went on for the day. I went window-shopping at Best Buy for cameras and video cameras. I wasted a lot of the sales girl’s time because the one I wanted wasn’t compatible to a Mac. I left and went to Starbucks. I was still a little anxious and sad.

Once I got home I felt a lot better again. I was back to work on my projects. I kept in mind that my mood will pass and it did. It always does. Sometimes it just takes a little longer than others.

Hopefully, I’ll have a few books published within the next month and then I’ll probably keep moving along. Hmm. I already forgot about Nancy. No I didn’t. I hope she finds happiness too.


The Future is Today or Get a Job

July 6, 2010

Yep. It’ll be six weeks tomorrow since I was fired. Let go. Freed. It’s been up and don since. Sometimes I am so relaxed and productive writing and putting my books together and other times it’s been depressing. I collect unemployment but not much since I didn’t technically make much on my checks. I’ve been living off of my savings but it’s going fast. Living with my mother doesn’t help much either. She doesn’t nag but there is an unsaid pressure for me to be looking for a job. A job. I don’t really want a job but all of this free time for an unorganized person like me can be hell sometimes. I get filled with anxiety and depression from the unsaid pressure and from being un focused. I want to write and that’s it.

Even dating has fallen to the bottom of my list. As I’ve said many times before I am a flake with dating and even my relationship with my friends. It’s become worse since I’ve become unemployed. I don’t want to do anything except write and make videos with the occasional half assed job hunt thrown in here and there.

The few times that I make the effort to sit down and think about what I want to do with my life I come to the same decision. I want to write, I want to make a living from writing. It’s possible but I there’s a long road of rejection and waiting first. I have to keep going at it. Write everyday. Try and get published every day.

I have so many connections to get into the writing field but it’s writing articles and reviews. This isn’t my strong point yet. I usually write journal or blog style or fiction and poetry. I tried writing reviews before and it ended up being stories about my experience with the movie, live band or cd. It worked for Hunter S Thompson in many of his writings so who knows?

As far as jobs go I’ve been keeping my ear out and talking to people I know because you can get the better jobs through word of mouth. That’s how I got my last 3 or 4 jobs. I use the word kob rather than career because that’s all they were. Telemarketing, retail and food service.

I had an opportunity last week that sounded great. I ran into someone I know that works at a pretty big alcohol and drug rehabilitation center. It hit me that I could really get a lot out of doing that. I’ve considered it in the past and it hit me that I should try and get into it. I asked her how I could get into counseling. She replied with enthusiasm. She said that they are always looking for new people. The pay is average but the benefits are great and you get raises often. The only requirement is to be 2 years sober. Shit. I’m 3 months short. She said to mention her name and maybe it wouldn’t be a problem.

I was nervous and excited about calling the next day. I called and talked to the woman in charge and she said that they couldn’t bend on it. I had to have 2 years sober. She said to call back in October. I was disappointed but I figured it was God’s will so I went back to my part-time online surveys and writing.

Everyone I told about this said that I should have lied. It was only 3 months. Besides I had 16 years sober before my relapse in 2008. I didn’t bother mentioning that to the lady hiring because that could be considered a bad thing. How could I in good conscience lie about my sobriety time so I can get a job working with alcoholics teaching them honesty? It made no sense to me.

Now I have to find a “job” to hold me over hoping that they will still be hiring in October.  At least the experience gave me an idea of what I want to do besides write. Meanwhile, I’m going to give it to God and take one day at a time like I’ve been taught. It worked today.


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