My Anxiety Belongs to me. You Can’t Have It.

September 13, 2010

I want to write, discuss, talk or whatever it is I’m doing right now, about anxiety disorder and panic attacks. Since I feel one coming on I figured I’d write about it while I am experiencing it. Why not right?

Anxiety disorders and panic attacks are defined many ways in different medical dictionaries, doctors, psychiatrists and the people who are inflicted. Personally, I never understood the attack until I actually had one years ago as a result of a reaction to an anti-depressant. Then I didn’t have one for years until the stress of my last job combined with being diagnosed with bi-polar disorder. I discovered that high anxiety goes hand in hand with the time worsening bi-polar disorder if untreated. I treat both on a daily basis with medications. Nothing too heavy. I’ve been down that route too and it was zombie land for this guy. Me.  So, I can only describe what anxiety and panic attacks are for me.

Remember that nervousness you would get as a teenager when you wanted to kiss a girl or boy in your heart and stomach? It’s like that multiplied by 30 and even 100 depending on the attack. My heart rate goes way up and my stomach has those nervous butterflies then the feeling goes through my entire body while my thoughts race uncontrollably. Usually negative thoughts. Sometimes the thoughts go so fast I can’t think at all. It’s as if too many thoughts create an empty mind or something. Sometimes I sweat and feel like I’m going to pass out but usually it’s the nervousness inside and out that I suffer from.

My anxiety makes me feel immobile and trapped unable to move. It’s crippling at times. Some would say I have agoraphobia because when I am feeling the anxiety and I am supposed to be somewhere I find myself unable to go. Sometimes unable to move at all except to get up and go to the bathroom or move from one room to another.

Luckily I don’t suffer from this everyday. When I was working my last job I had them 3 or 4 times a week at work and once in a while before bed. Now it’s down to once or twice a week. Recently, I’ve been getting them on Friday and Monday nights. I have no idea why. Sometimes the anxiety is triggered by things I don’t want to deal with and things I put in the back of my mind. If something upsets me I get them too. Lately it happens for no reason on the surface and I am afraid to dig for the root cause because it may trigger another one.

For almost 19 years I’ve been going to AA. Yes. I’m an alcoholic too. I’ve been a member of the same meeting group on Monday night ever since. It’s baffling to me as to why I am getting panic attacks on Mondays lately. The closer it gets to the meeting time the more it builds up. Last week It started around 6:30 PM and lasted until 10 PM. I took extra medication and it still wouldn’t go away. I used to be comfortable there withal of my friends that I’ve known for over 15 years and some 18 almost 19.

The new crowd might have something to do with it. Lately it has become a big meeting with 40- 50 people attending and I am used to it having 20 or so. Yes. I’m also claustrophobic as well. This has become worse over the years especially when the anxiety attacks started. It might be the ex-girlfriend that attends that I am mad at. It could be the young lady that rejected me when I asked her out. It could be the loss of friendship I feel with some of my long-term friends there. Oh boy. I’m thinking too mush. Remember I said I felt an attack coming on. Its been getting worse while I am writing.

I love when people tell me to “just man up and get over it.” The same wit drinking. “Just use your will power.” “Your not bipolar you just have ups and downs like the rest of us.”

It’s like any other disease or disorder. If you don’t have it you won’t understand it. I’m just writing about it hoping it will cathartic. It isn’t. At least I had something to write about and you have something to read. I’m going to go hide in a corner now.


Just Another Day of Email Anxiety

July 3, 2010

I wake up every morning and do my daily rituals. I urinate, make coffee, then sit and read through my three prayers and meditate briefly on my porch and light a cigarette waiting for the coffe to brew. I pray for people I know and don’t know and then I’m allowed to sit back and relax while checking my emails before I venture into my morning writing.

I’ve been getting close to 100 emails a day not including my spam folder the past few days. Ugh. Mostly because of a few thought to be simple actions I took last week.

A friend of mine sent me a link to a web site last week. He told me he was considering it right before he got his job after a year or so of unemployment. The site was a listing of numerous ways you can make money at home. At first I read through the call center jobs you can do from home and then I spotted a section about doing online surveys for cash and prizes. I jumped right into the surveys.

It explained briefly how to weed the scams from the real deal. The site has many links to various survey companies to start with. I started with a couple and made few dollars here and there. The only way to make a decent amount of money is to sign up for multiple surveys and jump on them as soon as you get them in your email. So I spent a few hours here and there filling out surveys and made a few dollars here and there. Some pay as low as 20 cents and as high as 8 dollars for 10 – 20 minutes of your time.

I’m still trying to get the hang of it. If you don’t get to the survey each company emails you fast then you may lose the opportunity to do it. The surveys fill up fast. Also, some surveys weed you out after about 5 minutes of work. I thought it would be easier than it is. Like any job, you have to go through trial and error and a training process to get good at it.

A few days this past week I was going crazy. I’m getting close to 1oo emails loaded with surveys and I have to jump right in ready or not. Coffee or no coffee. Writing or no writing and some of these product surveys can tire you out.

I love being on the computer whether I’m social networking, reading blogs, checking out unusual articles, downloading music, making videos or writing. I usually can spend most of my day on here and e content, The overload of emails has been wearing on me this seek and I’ve actually had to take breaks and watch movies to clear my head. I’ve even had panic attacks over the magnitude o emails that I have to address.

I force myself out of the situation and go out to meetings, talk to some friends, and watch a little TV, mostly movies and I feel better about it. I take a deep breath in the morning after my meditation and prayers and worry about it one email at a time. One survey at a time. I haven’t sat down to figure out how much I’ve made yet but I’m sure it’s not much. I decided that I’ll give it a month and see what happens. The worse that can happen is that I make a little bit of money which is more than what I was doing since losing my job.


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