August 15, 2012
Confusion as to my favorite mind crime and dirty thoughts of her
Dreams, visions, sexual obsessions convoluted into one smear of a love lust
That haunts me, thrills me, chills me and makes me feel unworthy of her
Fantasies night after night and I wake up in sweats and frustrated that she will never be
Next to me in my bed or hers or anywhere with me
Oh Latina Lolita I worship you secretly
Your eyes, your hair, your body- oh your perfect body I can just stare at you from afar for hours and the fact I can never touch you is alright with me as long as I know you are in the same world as me
You live your life and I’ll try to live mine with my secret love and lust for you
I will keep smiling as I whisper your name
Oh Manuela . . .
July 17, 2012
On Saturday afternoon I was doing some extra work (cleaning carpets) for my uncle in a law office building I sometimes help clean in Haddonfield, New Jersey. It was an arts fair day so the front of the building and the whole street was closed down and filled with vendor’s tents. My co-worker and I would take breaks outside and catch a smoke.
One of those breaks a beautiful Japanese woman came up to me real friendly asking how I was. Since her and her friend were dressed in similar floral print dresses and she was holding what looked like a post card in her hand I assumed she was going to try and sell me something. My co-worker complimented her pretty dress and I nodded in agreement. She kept smiling and making semi-flirtatious small talk and I was still waiting for a sales pitch that never came.
She asked me what work I was doing after asking me why I was there. I told her cleaning carpets. She smiled and said that was much better then working at the mall. The whole encounter only lasted about 5 minutes and she said goodbye and it was great to see me again. Again? As she was walking away in the distance it hit me that I knew her. She used to be a customer of mine when I was a server at a restaurant at the mall. A regular customer of mine. I used to know her by name. Damn, she is beautiful.
There I was with a beautiful sexy young woman flirting with me and I not only did nothing about it but I didn’t even know what was going on. This has happened many times before especially the not knowing a woman was into me until after the fact usually when someone tells me. I guess my self esteem is low, my memory is bad and I forgot what it’s like to be around women. Things are going to change. I mean to say things are going to change even more or I’m going to miss out on some prime opportunities in life.
To quote the great Ralph Malph from Happy Days “I still got it.”.
July 7, 2012
Samples of my art and photography found at http://hillenart.wordpress.com Everything is for sale and I do commission work. Just email me at firstname.lastname@example.org
July 6, 2012
And while you’re at it why don’t you kill the Jews? Kill the mentally ill? Kill the blacks? Kill the poor?
Since this new health plan has gone into effect that Obama finally got passed I’ve been reading post after post on facebook about it. I’m not real educated as far as the health plan goes but I understand the general gist of it. I think. Not sure everyone else understands it. I think. All I do know is I’ve been reading a lot of posts criticizing welfare. It makes me feel like I’m being attacked and I also feel shame. I never thought that I’d be on welfare, collecting food stamps etc.
I’ve read things like people on welfare shouldn’t have any luxuries. What if I had these luxuries before I needed welfare? Like my laptop that’s several years outdated anyway. I’ve sold most things I own of value and kept the things that wouldn’t sell. I did eventually lose my car due to my finances. I have disabilities that make it difficult if not impossible to hold a job. People may look at me and see me like someone that could hold a full time job but that’s on the outside. I am considered a high functioning disabled person mentally. I also have a physical disorder nicknamed the suicide disease due to the unpredictable pain intensity. I am waiting out disability and they are playing the waiting game to see how long I go before I break down and get a job.
I’m working on getting better, seeing therapists, groups and doctors. I feel better but I don’t know if I could handle work yet. Maybe I will get well enough to work but right now I don’t know. I don’t know what I would do without the little amount of government assistance, food stamps and Medicaid. The Medicaid alone covers over $600 a month in medications that I could never afford even if I had a full time job. If I went back to work it would take months to qualify for healthcare even under the new healthcare laws.
There’s some good things too. I’ve learned how to live and eat like a poor man. Some of the food isn’t good for me but it’s cheaper than healthier food but I manage to eat that too. I’m cooking more and never prepared food. I was a microwave and eat out kind of person. Not anymore. I budget what little money I get and I manage to pay my important bills like rent, phone and internet. Rent first for obvious reasons. Phone second because I need the phone to communicate with family, friends, doctors, lawyers etc. The internet third so I can try and keep selling things like my art and such.
I grew up thinking that welfare was for single mothers, the handicapped and people that are stealing from the system. I learned not to judge now that I need the assistance whether it’s temporary or permanent. Why do I feel such anger and shame when people have the same attitudes I once had? I didn’t want to be here.I don’t want to be here. I am. Deal with it. Things will change and I won’t judge.
July 3, 2012
I had such a great few weeks. I notice that I tend to blog more when I’m in pain or to vent but not as much when I’m having good days or weeks. I was hoping to post a blog about how good I’m doing in life in general but I didn’t get to it. Maybe not materialistically but spiritually and mentally. I’ve been praying more, exercising more, eating right, taking care of my physical and mental “disorders” by seeing professionals and feeling great about it.
I still feel pretty good over all but the past couple of days I just haven’t felt right. I’ve been lethargic, eating too much (makes me more lethargic), tired and creatively stumped. In reality I did a lot today but since I didn’t “finish” any creative projects and I took a nap I’m back to dwelling on the negative. Not as much but enough to make me write about it. It’s also been over 90 degrees, close to 100 degrees some days and I hear that can drain you even if I don’t go out in it much. Whatever is going on I’m sure it will pass.
I also started reading a book called the Artist’s Way by Julia Cameron. It is basically a self help book designed to bring out your inner creativity. Although I am actively creative every day for the most part I decided to read it and begin the exercises because someone I know wanted to start a workshop based on the book and I happen to have a copy that an ex-girlfriend gave me years ago. One of the exercises is to write what she calls morning pages. It’s basically writing 3 pages of stream of consciousness. I’ve sort of been doing that anyway but not everyday in an un organized fashion like the author suggests. I’ve been doing it for 4 days so far. She warned that a person might be digging up deep-rooted issues and might go through a type of withdrawal emotionally and that might explain feeling off. I don’t look at anything I write when I am finished. If I’m not feeling good from these exercises I’m sure this will pass too.
I hate going to bed at night without at least one creative project under my belt. I was working on a major project for weeks that tied me up and now that I’m free I was hoping to do something everyday. Write and finish a piece or draw and finish a piece. I want that quick fix. My art in all forms have to be done in one day. That’s why it took me 7 years to finish my first novel Yellow Socks but I blogged every day. I also have 3 websites to maintain. I try to post every day on there. I don’t.
I’m sure everyone reading this can relate to not living up to their own expectations especially if you have any “disabilities”. I guess I just needed to get that out and post this for any readers that are keeping up with me. That’s what’s going on with Rich today.