July 6, 2012
And while you’re at it why don’t you kill the Jews? Kill the mentally ill? Kill the blacks? Kill the poor?
Since this new health plan has gone into effect that Obama finally got passed I’ve been reading post after post on facebook about it. I’m not real educated as far as the health plan goes but I understand the general gist of it. I think. Not sure everyone else understands it. I think. All I do know is I’ve been reading a lot of posts criticizing welfare. It makes me feel like I’m being attacked and I also feel shame. I never thought that I’d be on welfare, collecting food stamps etc.
I’ve read things like people on welfare shouldn’t have any luxuries. What if I had these luxuries before I needed welfare? Like my laptop that’s several years outdated anyway. I’ve sold most things I own of value and kept the things that wouldn’t sell. I did eventually lose my car due to my finances. I have disabilities that make it difficult if not impossible to hold a job. People may look at me and see me like someone that could hold a full time job but that’s on the outside. I am considered a high functioning disabled person mentally. I also have a physical disorder nicknamed the suicide disease due to the unpredictable pain intensity. I am waiting out disability and they are playing the waiting game to see how long I go before I break down and get a job.
I’m working on getting better, seeing therapists, groups and doctors. I feel better but I don’t know if I could handle work yet. Maybe I will get well enough to work but right now I don’t know. I don’t know what I would do without the little amount of government assistance, food stamps and Medicaid. The Medicaid alone covers over $600 a month in medications that I could never afford even if I had a full time job. If I went back to work it would take months to qualify for healthcare even under the new healthcare laws.
There’s some good things too. I’ve learned how to live and eat like a poor man. Some of the food isn’t good for me but it’s cheaper than healthier food but I manage to eat that too. I’m cooking more and never prepared food. I was a microwave and eat out kind of person. Not anymore. I budget what little money I get and I manage to pay my important bills like rent, phone and internet. Rent first for obvious reasons. Phone second because I need the phone to communicate with family, friends, doctors, lawyers etc. The internet third so I can try and keep selling things like my art and such.
I grew up thinking that welfare was for single mothers, the handicapped and people that are stealing from the system. I learned not to judge now that I need the assistance whether it’s temporary or permanent. Why do I feel such anger and shame when people have the same attitudes I once had? I didn’t want to be here.I don’t want to be here. I am. Deal with it. Things will change and I won’t judge.
July 3, 2012
I had such a great few weeks. I notice that I tend to blog more when I’m in pain or to vent but not as much when I’m having good days or weeks. I was hoping to post a blog about how good I’m doing in life in general but I didn’t get to it. Maybe not materialistically but spiritually and mentally. I’ve been praying more, exercising more, eating right, taking care of my physical and mental “disorders” by seeing professionals and feeling great about it.
I still feel pretty good over all but the past couple of days I just haven’t felt right. I’ve been lethargic, eating too much (makes me more lethargic), tired and creatively stumped. In reality I did a lot today but since I didn’t “finish” any creative projects and I took a nap I’m back to dwelling on the negative. Not as much but enough to make me write about it. It’s also been over 90 degrees, close to 100 degrees some days and I hear that can drain you even if I don’t go out in it much. Whatever is going on I’m sure it will pass.
I also started reading a book called the Artist’s Way by Julia Cameron. It is basically a self help book designed to bring out your inner creativity. Although I am actively creative every day for the most part I decided to read it and begin the exercises because someone I know wanted to start a workshop based on the book and I happen to have a copy that an ex-girlfriend gave me years ago. One of the exercises is to write what she calls morning pages. It’s basically writing 3 pages of stream of consciousness. I’ve sort of been doing that anyway but not everyday in an un organized fashion like the author suggests. I’ve been doing it for 4 days so far. She warned that a person might be digging up deep-rooted issues and might go through a type of withdrawal emotionally and that might explain feeling off. I don’t look at anything I write when I am finished. If I’m not feeling good from these exercises I’m sure this will pass too.
I hate going to bed at night without at least one creative project under my belt. I was working on a major project for weeks that tied me up and now that I’m free I was hoping to do something everyday. Write and finish a piece or draw and finish a piece. I want that quick fix. My art in all forms have to be done in one day. That’s why it took me 7 years to finish my first novel Yellow Socks but I blogged every day. I also have 3 websites to maintain. I try to post every day on there. I don’t.
I’m sure everyone reading this can relate to not living up to their own expectations especially if you have any “disabilities”. I guess I just needed to get that out and post this for any readers that are keeping up with me. That’s what’s going on with Rich today.
June 3, 2012
I haven’t been blogging on here for a bit. I’ve been writing a lot of poetry lately and posting it on a poetry page on Facebook. I’ll be publishing a poetry collection by October for the Underground Modern Poets of 2012 book.
Here’s a few samples
by Tara Seuss
…. my blood is boiling over and over. yes, it is over. make this nightmare stop. stop fucking asking me please, stop everything. stop you. you make me blue, i want you to be fucking true and i want to kill you. i want to kill these toils, troubles and fucking bubbles you cause, fuck off i’m sorry (audience please applause). burn burn, oh yeah, you’re gonna burn- kid you have no idea how much you have to learn. first lesson, you have to give if you want to earn. correction, put that lesson back on the shelf……your only hope is to be someone else. amen.
By Art Glibfunny
it was a box
just a box
yellow cages on it
containing confectionary animals
from worlds away
a consumable passport
it had a string
to carry it
it brought joy
life at large
and my place in the
thank you mom
days of my
as I cradle
a flat cookie creature
from my jaded
nap time is over
to the buster brown
so vital to
Untitled by Ilan Miller
My heart is a proximity mine, send in the dogs, pull the pin, change the channel, and watch your step.
Don’t come in, the waters not fine, the rats are abandoning ship, your favorite show has been cancelled, and violence prevails.
Life has become a sad 80s montage, only dumbed down. The finish lines been burned, there is no consolation prize.
My personal hell has frozen over, I grab my glass, my icepick and my whiskey and I think of days long gone…
There’s many more and I’ll post some here and there. If I didn’t post yours it’s only because I chose a few random great poems. Like I said-More to come!
May 27, 2012
I woke up in an episode of Charlie Sheen’s new television show for some reason. I was dumped off or fell into it. I felt beaten up and dirty. I watched how they referenced 2 and a Half Men and even got the characters to appear and wondered how they got the rights to do that. The set looked funny and sparse.
I ended up at the exit of a Hooters restaurant and I was counting my Hooters’ t-shirts someone gave me. I started talking to one of the waitresses about her bad tips because they worked near a casino and there were too many older people at they’re establishment. I watched her collect dollar and coin tips and felt bad. Then a group of teenagers drove by and threw more coins at the waitress walking me outside the restaurant. They were customers being assholes. I asked the girl if there were any bars near by to pick up take out. She pointed out several and I spotted a liquor store and realized it was earlier in the day than I thought it was. I checked my pockets for money as I walked towards thee illuminating lights of the store that sold liquor. I had enough to get drunk and that was ok with me as I tried to figure out where I was and how I got there.
On my way to pick up some beer and whiskey I checked my voicemails on my cell phone. It was Rebecca my first true love of my youth. The first one I planned to marry. It was a weird message to me. Apparently we were still a couple or a couple again. She was angry and forgiving for something I had just did which explained my abandonment in this town wherever I was. She wanted to remind me about November. I had no idea what she was talking about but happy she wasn’t mad about whatever I did that day or the day before. I forgot about buying the booze and woke up.