Vanity or Sanity?

February 17, 2012

“I’ll trade your vanity for my sanity.” I said to Marcus in 1995.

We never made the trade.

I’ve had another blah day today. I had to do a “Stress test” at my Cardiologist early this morning. My mom likes to take me there to make sure I am ok etc. I slept at my mom’s last night.

I was instructed not to drink caffeine for 12 hours before and no smoking after midnight last night. Yes, I have a heart condition and I started smoking again. Not even close to half as much as I used to. I don’t drink that much coffee. But that’s not the point. It was rough waking up and staying up then going for a stress test. I was stressed from not having coffee and smoking.

I was there for over 3hours and or was mostly waiting around and 2 photo sessions after putting fluid in me for the machine. The only “test” I took was a 10-15 minute treadmill until my hear rate was up to 150 beats a minute. The Doctor was fun to look at except for her wedding ring. Well, it was a nice wedding ring. You get the idea.

I left there so groggy for some reason. Mom took me food shopping. She took me. I paid. Ha. Then we did lunch and I finally bought a coffee. A “French Toast Latte” actually, with 4 shots of espresso. I drank up and had a smoke finally. Ahh. I drank the whole thing and my ass was still dragging.

I came home with mom. I sleep here some Friday nights so I can help my uncle Saturday mornings. I helped my mom with a few things and cleaned out my broken down car in her driveway. I donated it to Purple Heart and they are picking it up on Monday.

It’s a sad loss. I loved that car but it needs too much work and I can’t afford it right now. I did score a bunch of coins from it. SO I took a walk to the bank to cash them in. TD bank charges 6% on the coin machine if you don’t have an account with them. I’ve and accounts with them for years even when they were Commerce Bank and they never charged. Now I don’t have an account and they charged me over a dollar and I ended up with just under 17 dollars. Oh well, it was still found money.

I took a walk into town to get some smokes and splurge on a Starbucks coffee (half decaf at this point) since I had some extra money. Chatted with the friendly kid at CVS I see every week about cigarettes mostly. My old friend from when I worked at Starbucks was working and we chatted it up a bit. One of the girls I used to see there almost every night a couple years back looked up at me and smiled. I smiled back. I used to think she was cute. She still is. I just don’t always think about these things all of the time. Just at my Doctor today.

“Are you the same guy..?” She asked then paused.

“That used to be her every night? Yes.” I answered.

“You lost a lot of weight. You look great.” She said.

I thanked her and almost told he she looked good too but wasn’t sure if that’s what I’m supposed to say or not anymore. I talked to her while she made my drink.

“You used to drive that big red car right?” She asked.

“Yeah. I’m not driving it now.” I said.

“What are you driving?”

“Nothing.”

“Where do you live now?”

“Fairview.”

“Where’s that?”

“ It’s on the edge of Camden near Collingswood. Where do you live?”

“Bellmawr.”

“Cool. Nice seeing you again.”

“Great to see you. Stop in more.”

I took my drink in a great mood. I gained a little of my weight back in the past month and have been a little self-conscious. I hadn’t shaved in a week and my hair was un-kept today so “looking good” was the last thing on my mind. It felt good to hear it. When I first lost the weight after a month or so recovering from my heart surgery months ago I was so confident. I was able to wear clothes I couldn’t fit into for over 4 years. That faded away fast with other priorities making me forget.

It occurred to me that I didn’t even feel bad about not having a car or even a job because “I looked good” to quote my friend John, even when I was at my worst.

I guess it was a good day. Because other people’s opinion’s of my looks makes me feel better than my accomplishments.

In reality I’d rather have created something like a piece of art, poetry or a novel than look good but I was nice to hear it.

I’ll keep my sanity (the little I have) and you can keep your vanity.


Another Night of Whatever . . .

September 25, 2010

What a day so far. Jesus. It’s night already. I did some productive things but I feel like I did noting I had a splitting headache and feel hung-over and high the same time and I didn’t take anything to make me feel this way.

It started last night I guess. Well, it really started when I decided to move three weeks ago. I’ve been on and off anxious and sick to my stomach almost every day. I’m stressed out and I keep procrastinating and it makes the stress worse. Last night I actually started moving some things into the new house. The new house is furnished and amazing yet I’m not excited. Hopefully, once I’m moved in it will change.

Yeah, last night was horrible. I planned on going ot bed early That means going ot bed before one o’clock am instead of tow or three. I wanted ot be up at seven am because I had to do some work for my great aunt’s boyfriend. I’ll call him my uncle out of convenience. I had to be ready around eight thirty. I couldn’t sleep. I even stopped with the caffeine products earlier than usual so I would be able to. My stomach was hurting and gurgling and all that good stuff. I haven’t been eating that well lately either. SO I ended up with the shits and in the bathroom on and off until after four am. I reset the alarm for seven thirty and eventually fell asleep. I like to have at least an hour before I leave the house to get my coffee in and get my head together. This was true even when I worked full time.

I got up with my alarm. Thank God. I made coffee and had an energy drink and went through my morning meditations, medications and rituals. I was planning on running up stairs and changing at twenty minutes after eight so I’d be ready at eight thirty. My uncle pulls up right before I was got ready. I had to ask him to wait. I got dressed etc etc. We were on our way.

Surprisingly, I felt pretty awake and did the carpet-cleaning job with him and I even scored a bunch of boxes for my move. I was home by eleven thirty with boxes and money in my pocket and the day was ahead of me so I thought. I started to tire fast and was unmotivated between the heat and lack of sleep. I went upstairs to sleep in the air conditioning for a few hours. I woke up in two hours. I was the walking dead. I felt like I was drugged and hung-over. I sat in the extreme heat of the day on my porch with a fan, smoking, drinking coffee, energy drinks, water and writing and playing on the internet.

The next thing I know it’s seven pm and I realized not only hadn’t I done anything towards the move I hadn’t eaten either. I was also running out of cigarettes so this was a bit of a motivation to get go out and at least get something to eat. This made it worse. The food made me more hot and lethargic.

After almost the entire day gone I finally wet upstairs and did some packing, I finally have the energy and It’s almost midnight.

My friend told me to make a list of everything I have to do before I move. He said not to worry about doing it. Just make the list. I did do that today too. Now I finally have something to cross off of it. Did you ever make a list of things to do and then go back to it and list the things you did that were not on there to make yourself feel better? I did. I feel a little better.


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