July 6, 2012
And while you’re at it why don’t you kill the Jews? Kill the mentally ill? Kill the blacks? Kill the poor?
Since this new health plan has gone into effect that Obama finally got passed I’ve been reading post after post on facebook about it. I’m not real educated as far as the health plan goes but I understand the general gist of it. I think. Not sure everyone else understands it. I think. All I do know is I’ve been reading a lot of posts criticizing welfare. It makes me feel like I’m being attacked and I also feel shame. I never thought that I’d be on welfare, collecting food stamps etc.
I’ve read things like people on welfare shouldn’t have any luxuries. What if I had these luxuries before I needed welfare? Like my laptop that’s several years outdated anyway. I’ve sold most things I own of value and kept the things that wouldn’t sell. I did eventually lose my car due to my finances. I have disabilities that make it difficult if not impossible to hold a job. People may look at me and see me like someone that could hold a full time job but that’s on the outside. I am considered a high functioning disabled person mentally. I also have a physical disorder nicknamed the suicide disease due to the unpredictable pain intensity. I am waiting out disability and they are playing the waiting game to see how long I go before I break down and get a job.
I’m working on getting better, seeing therapists, groups and doctors. I feel better but I don’t know if I could handle work yet. Maybe I will get well enough to work but right now I don’t know. I don’t know what I would do without the little amount of government assistance, food stamps and Medicaid. The Medicaid alone covers over $600 a month in medications that I could never afford even if I had a full time job. If I went back to work it would take months to qualify for healthcare even under the new healthcare laws.
There’s some good things too. I’ve learned how to live and eat like a poor man. Some of the food isn’t good for me but it’s cheaper than healthier food but I manage to eat that too. I’m cooking more and never prepared food. I was a microwave and eat out kind of person. Not anymore. I budget what little money I get and I manage to pay my important bills like rent, phone and internet. Rent first for obvious reasons. Phone second because I need the phone to communicate with family, friends, doctors, lawyers etc. The internet third so I can try and keep selling things like my art and such.
I grew up thinking that welfare was for single mothers, the handicapped and people that are stealing from the system. I learned not to judge now that I need the assistance whether it’s temporary or permanent. Why do I feel such anger and shame when people have the same attitudes I once had? I didn’t want to be here.I don’t want to be here. I am. Deal with it. Things will change and I won’t judge.
June 15, 2012
Angela was over again and we were happy for the minute. My parents were there from the dead and from the life. I haven’t seen my dead father since the last time I dreamed he was alive. He had never died in the last one. This time I knew he died and came back over and over. Sometimes I acknowledged he was back from the dead. Like this one. They were mad at me and they kept riding my ass. Angela was there and I didn’t want to say or do anything stupid so of course I did. I started screaming at my parents about all and nothing. When my father started back on me I yelled back.
“Yeah, well you’re the one that keeps coming back from the dead!” I screamed.
Angela was crying. Everything stopped. I felt so bad.
“You know I hate when you yell at your parents. You know I have problems with that.” She said.
Angela walked to my porch as if she was leaving. I kept apologizing to her and turned my head to apologize to my parents. I felt so bad my knees cracked with tears. My bones trembled with fear of loss of what I might have had if only I was a tolerant kinder person. She. She was breaking up with me and I was helpless like in those dreams when I find my self naked in the middle of a department store.
Angela and I are at an old movie theater and all is swell. Swollen you can say. I said. No kinks in the love. All smiles whilst holding hands like professional lovers that have been at this game longer than each of us has lived. I catch her catching me catching her looking at me and we laugh until we smell smoke. Someone burnt popcorn I thought. Flames came up through the floors I carried her down the charred rippled weak stairway to uncertainty. She held me tight with a magical look of “if we go down at least it’s together.” We made it just in time as the Fire People squirted. Squirted the last flame out.
Out of nowhere a white man dressed as Jimi Hendrix appears in the lobby as Angela and I are trying to leave the burnt building. It turns out to be my friend Tony and he is with Rolland and Jesse. I didn’t question why he was dressed in his garb or colored face. I accept too many things at face value (no pun intended) too much. Too many times. Like why was I with this beautiful girl as my eternal lover out of the blue pink and red?
“I wonder if I can buy the posters and movie star cut outs in the movie theater?” Rolland asked with no greetings or concern of our health or the fire.
Jesse was silent and patted us on the back with a “it’s going to be ok” vibe.
It was ok. I still had a friend and I had Angela.
I’m so grateful in my dreams.
May 27, 2012
I woke up in an episode of Charlie Sheen’s new television show for some reason. I was dumped off or fell into it. I felt beaten up and dirty. I watched how they referenced 2 and a Half Men and even got the characters to appear and wondered how they got the rights to do that. The set looked funny and sparse.
I ended up at the exit of a Hooters restaurant and I was counting my Hooters’ t-shirts someone gave me. I started talking to one of the waitresses about her bad tips because they worked near a casino and there were too many older people at they’re establishment. I watched her collect dollar and coin tips and felt bad. Then a group of teenagers drove by and threw more coins at the waitress walking me outside the restaurant. They were customers being assholes. I asked the girl if there were any bars near by to pick up take out. She pointed out several and I spotted a liquor store and realized it was earlier in the day than I thought it was. I checked my pockets for money as I walked towards thee illuminating lights of the store that sold liquor. I had enough to get drunk and that was ok with me as I tried to figure out where I was and how I got there.
On my way to pick up some beer and whiskey I checked my voicemails on my cell phone. It was Rebecca my first true love of my youth. The first one I planned to marry. It was a weird message to me. Apparently we were still a couple or a couple again. She was angry and forgiving for something I had just did which explained my abandonment in this town wherever I was. She wanted to remind me about November. I had no idea what she was talking about but happy she wasn’t mad about whatever I did that day or the day before. I forgot about buying the booze and woke up.