I’ve been uninspired to write a “holiday” blog today so I am posting something I wrote in 2008.
A CHRISTMAS CAROL STORY
“Bah Humbug.” I mumbled under my breath to a customer at work the other day when she wished me a Merry Christmas.
That’s the way I felt. Bah fucking humbug.
I just got dumped a little under a week ago by the latest love of my life, Carol. A had high hopes this Christmas with her. I wanted to be the guy that made her happy this year. Fill her floor under her tree with expensive gifts and fill her empty stocking with even more. Share our hopes, and goals and have the best Christmas ever for both of us.
Bah Humbug. Fuck Christmas. I’ve had enough miserable ones to know better. This one will be the same. Crying all alone in front of my computer lonely longing and hoping that there is some fellow suffering soul on the internet to comfort me. That’s how I spent last year.
I went to bed last night with that gnawing in my stomach, my head filled with conversation I just I had with Carol and disappointment and hurt in my heart. I’m not sure how long it took me to go to sleep but I think I did for a little bit or I was hallucinating.
I heard a knock on the door. I thought it was either my pill filled neighbor or a drunk Patrick once again. I was wrong.
I opened the door to see a giant fat man with a full brown beard and long brown hair wearing a snug green dress with motor cycle boots. He looked like me with a beard in drag. An older fatter hairier version of me. He had a chain wrapped around his waist that he dragged into my apartment.
“I am the Ghost of Girlfriend past.” he said in a low transvestite type voice of a man trying to sound like a woman as he grabbed my hand and took me into my bedroom.
My bedroom had changed. For one thing it was clean and organized for the first time since Belle moved out. It looked exactly the same as it once did when Belle and I were happy together. There were two figures in the bed. I was freaked out. What happened to my room and who were these people in my bed? I thought of the scene in Back To The Future 2 when Marty went back in his house and there was a little black girl in his bed. I knew this was a dream. Right?
“This is what it was.” he said.
I looked at the couple spooning on the bed and realized that it was me and Belle. I was smiling. So was she. We were happy. I vaguely remembered us being happy.
“This is what you left.” he said to me.
I did. I dumped her for another. I dumped her out of my craziness. I dumped her when we had so much potential.
The fat transvestite waved his hand in front of my face and my head went into a fast montage of happy times I had with Belle. It was the way I’ve heard people with near death experiences describe their life flashing in front of their eyes. Trips to art exhibits, movies, dinners, just laying in bed talking. All the things that Belle and I did together. I felt her. I smelled her. I loved her. I smiled then cried. This was just a dream, right?
“Follow me.” the Ghost of Girlfriend Past said as he walked into my living room.
The living room looked the same maybe even messier with two people on my couch having sex. It was Carol and I on the long couch. The smiles on our faces were huge. I watched us finish and cuddle afterwards. We were happy.
He waved his plump hairy hand in front of my face and another montage flashed before my eyes. Watching movies. Not watching movies. Dinners. Carol and I having long talks on her couch and my couch about life and our future together. Sex on her couch, my couch, our beds. The cuddling. The affection. The look in her eyes when she looked at me and the way it made me feel. Those beautiful eyes. Ahh. Carol. She felt like my first love. As if no other existed. I felt everything all over again at that moment.
“Would you like a quicky big guy?” the Ghost of Girlfriend Past broke the spell.
I woke up back in my messy room with the covers half on and half off like I always do. I sat up and lit a cigarette and took a piss. I didn’t want to go back to bed after that nightmare.
Tap. Tap. Tap. I heard a tapping on the bathroom window that is above the bathtub. It scared the shit out of me. I tried to ignore it and go back to bed. It kept getting louder and more intense. I pulled the covers over my head.
I thought of Edgar Allan Poe for some reason.
As of someone gently rapping, rapping on my bathroom window. “Tis some visitor,”I muttered “tapping at my bathroom window- Only this, and nothing more.”
I got up and went towards the bathroom. The tapping kept coming. I had no idea what to expect. A murderer perhaps? A robber? A bird? I stood in the bathtub and opened the window and it was a small Asian girl on her tippy toes smiling.
“Come outside.” she whispered .
“What? Who are you?” I asked.
“I am Ghost of Girlfriend present. Come outside.”
This had to be a dream so I had no problem meeting her outside. She was so small and wore a dress that seemed to best fit a hooker. Tight fitting sequin short dress. She stood there bare foot holding a tiny torch with her tiny left hand.
“Look upon me” she said as she grabbed my left hand with her right and we took off into the dark sky. This is what it’s like to fly, I thought. She pointed the torch in each direction we moved.
I watched as we flew towards the town of my ex-girlfriend, Jesse in New Jersey. We flew towards her house and landed outside the window.
“What am I doing here Ghost? Why have you lead me here?” I asked
“Just look inside”
I peeked inside her window the way I did when we used to play “peeping Tom” way back when except this time I kept my pants on and she didn’t know that I was looking. Jesse appeared at the window and looked right through me her eyes filled with tears. I was invisible to her. I saw and felt her pain. I wanted to reach out and touch her. Comfort her in some way.
“She has been rejected once again just like when you rejected her.” the ghost said to me.
I looked at her large greenish brown eyes and started to cry feeling her pain and my own guilt for leaving her.
The ghost took me to Pennsylvania next to check up on Belle. As we got close to her house I started to get anxious. I’d never seen her place before. It was a shitty looking apartment in a broken down house. I hyperventilated as we walked right through the door without even opening it to find Belle on her couch painting a landscape in front of the Television. I wasn’t phased that I could walk through doors especially after we were flying. Her place was decorated similarly to the way my apartment was when we lived together except she had more photographs of me of everywhere. Everywhere. Tears filled her wide brown eyes as she took a break from her painting to reflect. It was just as sad of a sigh as seeing Jesse.
“Why here?” I asked.
“Another heart you broke. She still can’t get over you.” the ghost of girlfriend present said.
We vanished from Belle’s and reappeared in Carol’s house. She was on the phone.
“I still really love him. He just wasn’t what I was looking for. He’s a great guy but he wouldn’t have been able to take care of me. He couldn’t fill my needs. I’m tired of settling for guys that won’t be able to take care of my needs and I’m tired of losing incredible friendships because the relationship ends. I want so bad to be his friend and keep the good stuff that we had but I’m afraid he will always want more or not want to be friends with me. ” Carol said on the phone. Her eyes teared slightly.
“He makes me happy.” she continued. “I don’t want to get emotionally tangled up with someone that I know I don’t have a future with again. Too bad we can’t still have sex. Ha ha ha” she laughed.
“This is your girlfriend present. Or your ex-girlfriend present. This is how she feels and what she wants.” the ghost said.
Somehow, hearing her say that she loves me took away the hurt I was feeling. Knowing that she wants me makes me feel better. Hmmm.
“You want a happy ending now, Joe?” the hot Asian Ghost of Girlfriend Present asked.
“Uh. Well. . . ”
I awoke again in my bed. My snoring woke me up this time. I thought about how my snoring really bothered Carol. I looked at the clock and it was 4 am. Am I ever going to get to sleep for the rest of the night? I went to the kitchen and put on the hot water to make some Sleepy Time Tea. Yes, I drink the stuff. It actually works on occasion. I lit another cigarette and sat on the couch. I heard coughing in the dark.
I turned on the light and the gagging voice got louder.
“Turn off the light. Ah heh. .” the voice cleared her throat. And coughed again
I was onto it now. I was onto the tricks of these reappearing ghosts. I turned off the light.
“You must be the ghost of Christmas Future. Hi, I’m Rich Hillen Jr.” I said sarcastically.
“I know who you are.” said the ghost.
I looked close in the darkness and tried to see what she looked like. My eyes were still adjusting but I could swear she looked like Joanna Angel the porn star of such classics as XXXorcist and Re-Penetrator from Burning Angel Video. She was dressed in only black panties and a black bra with black heels. Now I know this is a dream. Right?
“Are you . . .?”
“Joanna Angel? Yes. This is my part time gig. When I’m not doing anal on film or making appearances at local porno shops I am the Ghost of Girlfriend Future.” she said.
This ghost thing is pretty cool. I thought to myself. Yeah, I was real confused as to what message I was getting out of all of this but I got to hang out with a Fat hairy transvestite, an Asian prostitute and a porn star.
“Where to now?” I asked.
Follow me. We walked outside to a black Lincoln Town car stretch Limousine. I climbed in the back seat with her.
“Driver. Take us to the Future of what might have been.” she ordered the driver.
The limousine speed off into the night and I got nauseous as we screeched to a halt in front of a mansion. The Mail box read “Hillen Family”.
“This is what might have been if you stayed with Carol.”
I followed my hot ghost trying not to stare at her firm ass and long legs into the mansion. Her heels clicked the way.
There I was. A seventy year old Rich in a wheelchair on a respirator reading comic books when a 58 year old Carol came in screaming. I was bald and wrinkled and over weight. She was still beautiful from the plastic surgery and hair dye but she was really fat.
“You just couldn’t accept the break up 30 years ago, could you? You had to guilt me into staying with you having the stupid performance art wedding and having kids that turned out to be fat depressed losers. I wish I never met you, Rich Hillen Jr. I wish you were dead! ” the future Carol screamed.
“This is what would have happened if you and Carol had a future together. You thought by making millions of dollars you could make Carol happy. She stayed with you out of guilt after you were crippled in a car accident when you were showing off how fast your completely restored 1982 Delorean could go not long after your first child was born. Your kids grow up with no ambition. No personality. No artistic interest or political interest which disappointed both you and Carol. ” The Ghost of Girlfriend Future said.
“Damn. That’s fucked up. Is there more?” I asked.
“Just one more thing.” the Ghost of Girlfriend Future porno star kissed me deep with tongue. “Do you want some . . .?”
My alarm went off and woke me up. I was exhausted. I could barely get out of bed. Did that really happen? The dreams seemed so real. I’ve never had dreams that picked up where the other one left off before. I made coffee and smoked a bunch of cigarettes while I tired to shake the dreams out of my head. It was just a dream? Right? Either way, what am I supposed to learn from all of this?
Well, I have gratitude for what I’ve had. I’ve had some great relationships with some great memories. I’m lucky to have loved and lost than .blah blah blah . . .you know the rest. Although, I’ve caused sadness to some of my ex-girlfriends I managed to leave Carol with some good memories and mutual respect. My visits to the past present and future helped me see this.
Through all the pain I feel about Carol dumping me, she was right and we wouldn’t have worked out. I now know that she loves me and loved what we had. That makes me feel good despite the feeling of loss. Loss. I didn’t lose. I gained a friend. Maybe we should still get together for Christmas. Merry Christmas Carol.
But I sure do wish I remembered if I did anything sexual with the transvestite, the Asian hooker and the porno star. Maybe they’ll come back as Ghosts of Employers tomorrow night.