Friends


Friends. Friends. What are they good for? Absolutely nothing. I’m exaggerating but very few people stay in each other’s lives forever unless they are related and even relatives can disappear. People come and they go in our lives like our housing, clothes, cars and jobs. Everyone changes and can grow away or towards other people. Grow out of jobs, houses, clothes and cars. The loss of these things by choice or by circumstance. Why am I talking about this?

 

I’ve just been reflecting on old friends that have either come back in my life or come to my mind. Old girlfriends and even a wife have been going through my dreams. It seems that everything and everybody in my life have become distant memories that harbor no strong emotion or difference. I’m sure that they’ve had their place and served their purpose in my existence. I wonder why I once held these things in such high regard. No. I wonder even more as to why I don’t care as much anymore.

 

I’ve been told that it’s part of growing up. Or is it part of growing old? None of my current friends really care about me. I really don’t care about them. These seem like harsh statements but they’re true. I care about people at times to a certain extent. I pray for the people in and out of my life past and present. I care on one level but I don’t on another level. When I see or talk to some friends I have a good time but its not like it used to be. We all leave each other and go back to own self absorbed worlds.

 

I ran into an old friend the other night and he went right into busting my balls the way he used to. I was hurt. It put my view of friendships in perspective. I don’t want to be friends with an asshole who puts me down. I got back in touch with another friend a few weeks ago when his sister died. We both changed and got along really well.  He has a full life now so we won’t be seeing much of each other. Other friends I’ve let go of in the past because they weren’t growing but going backwards. I like to think that I am growing but it’s at a much slower rate the past few years.

 

I have family members of my natural mother’s side that have cut me off and want nothing to do with me because of my past interests in subversive arts and serial killers etc. I’ve made many attempts to get in touch and no response. It’s on them. People are people. People come and go including family. Family isn’t always blood. My adopted family accepts me as I am and including my eccentricities. I still wonder if anyone really cares or if I care for them. I appreciate them.

 

Love, lust, and crushes all come and go too. How many times have you said, “This is it. I’m in love. This is the one for me”? I’ve said it to myself countless times. Sometimes these thoughts lead to relationships that last years then they go. I could write on and on about the “what is love” question. This is about friends. Friends.

 

I’ve learned through the years that you have to be a friend to have a friend and I haven’t put out that much so it makes sense. I don’t think anyone cares because I don’t care. I’m not bitter or resentful I believe people are in their own worlds and the people in their world are just people in their world. I have my world too. You are just another person in my world. Sure I can name special things about people. I’ve been supportive to others and I’ve had other’s support, I do it because it’s the human thing to do. The right thing. I just can’t say I care much right now.

 

I’m numb to strong feelings about anyone right now and it’s ok. This will change with the next romance or the next close friend I bond with. I know that future relationships will most likely end. People, places and things come and go. Friends. Friends.

 

It would be easier if I re-define what a friend is. I’m not sure I ever defined it to begin with.

Then again, I’ve been told, “it’s not about me.”

 

Want to be my friend?

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2 Responses to Friends

  1. xmemore says:

    Sure Honey, I want to be your friend.

    Great book, The Road Less Traveled by M. Scott Peck. Don’t know if you’ve already read but if not it’s a great read about ourselves as complicated creatures.

    My days are numbered here (not forever, but for a season), know that I think of you often.

  2. JustMeinNC says:

    I think of friends as having their own uses….and you use people for what they’re good for. Now, as soon as people hear me say “use” they get pissy…so, someone suggested I use the analogy of boxes, instead of uses…so – in that case – everyone in your life can fit in a box. Sometimes, a single person fits in several boxes.

    There’s the box of people who you could call to bail you out of jail.

    There’s the box of people you see at the bar & have a BLAST hanging out with, but you’d never give them your phone number.

    There’s the box of other mom’s with kids the same age as your kids that you call when you need to do mommy-things.

    There’s the box of fuck-buddies.

    There’s the box of people who you could tell all your secrets to & expect a truthful response & their undying support.

    Point is – whether these people are “friends” or not is hard to determine, since as you pointed out – what really defines “friendship” anyway? All the people in your life serve a purpose – accepting it for what it is and ‘using’/enjoying/hating them for it is what works for me.

    I tell people all the time that I’m a “shitty friend”. I rarely call to chat, I probably won’t remember to invite you out somewhere, I’ll call on you when I need something, etc….that doesn’t mean that my feelings for you are any less than they were when we hung out 2x/week…it just means that I’m absorbed in my own life & don’t think about calling you….it also means that I am *right there* for you – you just have to call.

    OK – enough rambling from this friend-in-the-box (box in this case, being the computer 😉 )

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