Want What I Have?


“I had a person say to me “I don’t want what you have” so I said “How do you think I feel?”” this guy shared at a meeting once. It was funny yet it made so much sense to me. Sometimes I don’t even want what I have. Ya know? Do you? I think most of us live in between happiness and unhappiness. It’s as if everyone has a little bipolar disorder in them. Not literally but everyone has ups and downs in life. Some if us have it in extremes.

If you ask me how I feel right now I’d tell you that I am a fucking mess. I’d list my problems that I’ve mentioned in previous blogs. Well, depending who you are. If you’re the mailman, next door neighbor or the guy that works at 7-11 I’d tell you everything is fine. Actually once I’m in public I feel ok but then I feel bad when I am alone again. I’m also sick of talking about it with most of my friends because I haven’t been good for a while. You might even be sick of reading about it as well. Are you?

Overall, I am usually a positive spiritual person with a deviant warped sense of humor and odd interests. It is a struggle lately to balance my spirituality with my mental breakdowns and anxiety. I start every day with prayer, meditation and medications. The first hour or 2 start off find and I feel fairly spiritually fit. Then reality kicks in and I panic. I choke. I find it hard to function on a daily basis. Every day is a slow progression to a freak out. I get a few things done towards moving. 2 days left before I have to clear the house. As the day goes on I feel more anxiety until I can’t take it anymore. The next day is a little worse.

The part I hate about everything right now is that I feel all alone. I try to talk to people about it and they either pretend that they understand or change the subject. The other thing is a lot of my friends offered to help me and then when push comes to shove they don’t. I had 3 different people offer to help me move heavy furniture out to the trash yesterday and they all bailed. No one wants to help me move or pack and I can’t blame them. They’ve helped a lot in the past. I did it myself. Today I moved all of the heavy furniture to be moved downstairs from my 3rd floor bedroom so when and if my one friend comes on Friday it’ll be easier. It also cleared the floor so I can finish packing. I know this isn’t a big deal in real life but in my head it’s overwhelming. Ugh.

Seems like I can write all I want about it and the feelings don’t change. Usually writing helps but it’s just a momentary distraction like everything I do.

My point is that I have no point. Ha. Actually, I’m trying to say that I don’t want what I have right now so it’s tough to talk or communicate with people and function at all. I know in my heart that it will all pass. This too shall pass. I have to go through with the feelings and move on through it. I know there’s a spirit of some kind with me at all times but I’m just not feeling him right now.

Tune in next time when the writer says “Life is grand. I’m happy joyous and free.”

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4 Responses to Want What I Have?

  1. xmemore says:

    Hey man, you are joyous and free. It’s just our circumstances push and pull and demand this or that, you know…the urgent.

    Now, packing, moving, relocating STINKS! with a capitol ‘S’. I hate it. It comes in stages and the last little bit is the freaking worst. I can’t stand this part, it’s like all the little stuff just won’t go away and we wonder, “how the heck did I accumulate all this stuff?”

    I look back on all my moves, lament and regret some of the things I’ve tossed out, given away or sold just to simplify the moving process which is so painful anyway.

    So, chin up man it will “pass” and it will get better. I know it’s hard to feel that way when you are in the midst of suffering but you have a great attitude about it.

    Now, I’m not sure if you’ve been able to find employment (outside of what you do on the computer) but that may give you a boost.

    Maybe not even a “real” or full time job but just something little.

    Oh and yes, people will let you down, don’t depend on them. God is the only one to put your trust in (I know you do). He will never let you down, nor forsake you. “Because when I am weak, then I am strong” Because the POWER of Christ rests on me.

    That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.2 Corinthians 12:10

    I know it’s wierd coming from a married girl with a sex blog that is concerned about a guy on the internet. I am a sinner but know that Christ died for me and loves me and I wanted to share this with you today.

    I hope you feel better soon.

  2. richhillenjr says:

    I’m not a strong believer in Jesus per say(yet?) but I you are correct I do have a strong faith in God and know he’ll carry me through but I have to do some of the foot work. It’s also difficult to maintain a faith during bipolar or anxiety episodes even though that’s when I need Him the most. That is the struggle with my spiritual state. I have trouble with faith when my mind is on the loose. I have it but it doesn’t help with the mental illness. I don’t curse or shy away from God at these times of crisis. I’m just not as close when I am paralyzed with anxiety.

    Most of the stress is my mom coming home from her trip to find that I haven’t finished moving and doing hte other things she asked me to do.

    Thanks for all of the kind words and I will get through this.

    • xmemore says:

      Oh I know you will be fine and I know it is hard when you are in the midst of it.

      I do hope everything did go okay with you and your mom and the move.

      Take care.

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