Flake


I am a flake. I am everything I hate in other people. I don’t know when or why it changed but I am anti-social yet I don’t mind being alone. I’m productive when I’m by myself. Most social gatherings bore me lately. Hanging out with friends seems to be a tiring effort. I have trouble committing to things that aren’t either work related or 12 step related. Although I do talk to people on the phone and at meetings I have no desire to go further most of the time. Even dating has become an effort even if I really like someone.

You are a flake. I’ve always hated people that couldn’t commit to things. Some people it’s an attitude of “something better might come up”. Some of my friends are social misfits and feel uncomfortable socializing and don’t want to do anything. Some are too busy with their lives whether it’s their family, work, sports, or their hobbies to socialize. I threw a party an there were so many people that said “maybe” they’ll attend or “probably” they’ll attend and “Yes. I’ll be there” and didn’t show up.

We’re all flakes. It didn’t bother me because I knew deep inside I am the same way. There are events that I really want to attend and people I really want to see but I change my mind, do something else or I do nothing at all but stay home and write. I haven’t followed through on many social plans even I am the one to initiate it.

I’ve even turned down dozens of shows this past year because I don’t want to do them. I don’t feel like going through the routine of getting there and waiting for my turn and play for fifteen minutes and then wait around semi-socializing thinking about what I could be doing at home.

When it comes to my 12 step meetings I am committed. When I was working I was committed. When I am home writing I am committed.

I ran this by my Mother the other day and she said that I’m more confident in who I am and I don’t need other people’s approval anymore. My entire life I sought people’s approval and wanted everyone to like me and that’s all changed except with my creative endeavors. I told my Mother that I still seek approval of my art, writing and music. That’s different. I want people to appreciate what I’ve done as I appreciate other artists. That’s why I titled my fan group on facebook “Fans of Rich Hillen Jr the artist, writer and performer, Not the Man himself” All I really care about these days is creating and having people see my creations. Even though I create for me first I need feedback to complete the process of being an artist.

Maybe I’m not a flake. I just play one on TV.

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