I wrote the following on Sunday December 13th 2009:
I was paid a visit by my former self. The one from a few years ago that was constantly creative and productive and full of life and charisma and confidence. He looked amazing in his cowboy hat and wife beater and jeans and boots. We sat down and had some coffee and smoked cigarettes and chatted for a while. The meeting started with small talk like “what have you been up to?” and “How’s your family and friends?” and things like that.
Then we got down to the nitty gritty.
“Why did you leave me?” I asked,
“I thought you left me.” he said.
“No, man. You pushed me away when you started seeing a Psychiatrist and taking medications.”
“That’s when I thought you ran away to leave me to deal with this shit on my own.”
“You further abandoned me when you started abusing the pain pills and went to less and less AA meetings and working your AA program.”
I thought about this for while sipping my hot coffee and taking long drags on my cigarette. Maybe he’s right. Maybe I did leave him. Maybe with everything that was going on I just gave up on him and wanted less and less to do with him.”
“You turned into the walking dead, man. All drugged up and barely making it to work or anywhere else. I’m surprised you still have friends and family.” He said.
“Hmmm. I did lose a girlfriend and almost lost my job.” I said
“See. You left me in the dust, Rich.” He said.
“What do you think I should do about it? Do you want to come back to me? Be together again?”
“Nah, man. Not yet. You’re not ready for me yet. You’ve got bills out of your ass. You’ve got too much anxiety and depression for me to handle. You have issues with women and sex. You just got a year sober a little while ago. You need some heavy duty work before I’d consider being part of your life again.”
“But I miss you terribly sometimes. I don’t feel complete without you sometimes.”
“Well, if you don’t take care of your sobriety and mental health properly then there’s no chance of me getting involved with you again.”
He had so much energy and confidence in what he was saying and it hit me hard. He’s right. I do need to work on myself harder. Work the 12 steps in my life more. Settle my debts. Get a decent Psychiatrist that’s not going to Zombie me out yet help me with my depression and anxiety and Bipolar disorder. I need an emotional, physical and spiritual over haul. I agreed with him.
“You deserve better than this. You deserve to have me back but you’re not ready yet. Yet.” He said.
He left into the rainy day like he was never here. Yet, I thought. At least there was a glimmer of hope in voice.
So, here I sit smoking and drinking coffee contemplating the conversation. I think I’ll pray on it and see what tomorrow brings. Meanwhile, I’ll be the best new Rich I can be today. Just for today.