I wrote this the day after my Birthday on May 2nd.
Emotionally and physically drained aftermath of a birthday party that this sometimes anti-social child like forty three year old man threw for himself in hopes of sharing his half hearted unrequited love for his friends. When everyone was gone I was trapped in my head despite the fun I think I had. Three AM clean up of a broken heart disillusioned romantic sex addict mess left behind from a night of sober behavior and great conversation. She never came. She never called. I couldn’t sleep with my head spinning with good, bad and ugly fantasies and memories of a time that may have only existed for a moment or not at all. ….
Wake up groggy and hung-over without drinking or doing drugs and I sit on my humid porch stalking and lurking on the internet and feeding my mind with pornography to avoid life and lack of or too much. My face is swollen and a rash appears across it as if I am allergic to living. My breath becomes shorter and shorter after each cigarette I smoke and my heart pounds harder and harder with each sip of my coffee that I am drowning myself in to get me out of this funk. It doesn’t work. Neither have I for five days and I like not going to work and dread it at the same time.
I turn it over and turn it on and it tunes in to a long forgotten channel of sludge and codependency that I thought I lost. I heard someone say today that his goal in life is not to die with a crack pipe in his mouth, Perspective and intuition returned immediately to my mind and heart as I realized that everything good and bad and indifferent really doesn’t matter as long as I’m alive. As long as I breath no mater how polluted my thoughts are I am alive and doing just fine. Thanks for asking.